Bad Ads 2023

I am not someone who has ever been involved in the advertising enterprise; I claim no insight into the fundamental principles of that field of endeavor.  Like everyone else, I am a consumer of advertising – – whether I like it or not – – because it is everywhere.  Moreover, I have a basic acceptance of advertising as an activity that brings me good because it is the presence of advertising that allows me to enjoy all my sports programming on television.  So, count me as an “accepting novice” when it comes to evaluation of advertising.  I watch and listen to ads on sports/news shows and just react to what they are telling me.

Once a year, I compile my notes and make a list of ads that did not seem to motivate me in any particular way to use or consume the product being pushed.  I call those “Bad Ads”.  Probably the creators of those ads would argue that the fact that I made a note of them and then put them here on my list shows that they were not really “Bad Ads”.  Whatever …  This is my rant and so I will label them as “Bad Ads”.

First up this year is an ad campaign for a drug that alleviates hot flashes in post-menopausal women.  The ad cleverly claims to turn “hot flashes” into “not flashes”; the drug certainly addresses a problem area for many women.  However, every drug ad on TV has a portion of the ad that starts with:

• “Do not take XXX if you are allergic to it or if you have had YYY or if something else exists…”

After that peroration, the voiceover will begin to list possible side effects which can range from “soreness at the injection site” to “death”.  In the case of the ad for alleviation of hot flashes, one of the possible side effects noted is … drumroll please …  “Hot Flashes”.

Excuse me.  If the drug is supposed to alleviate hot flashes, then a hot flash is not a side effect; in that situation a hot flash is an indicator that the drug is not working.

Another drug ad that had a silly portion was for Rinvoq – – an eczema treatment.  The ad claims:

• “Some patients saw up to 100% clear skin”. 

No!   EVERY patient saw – – and will aways see – – “up to 100% clear skin.”  And no one will ever see 101% clear skin.  Got that …?

And in the realm of healthcare ads, let me lump together every single one of the ads for Medicare Advantage plans into a single category and denounce them all.  One of them has Joe Namath as its spokesperson.  Why would you want to take medical advice, financial advice or insurance advice from him?

Ads for the GMC Sierra truck should remind you always to read the fine print.  There is an ad for the Sierra where they are bragging about their “hands free driving” capability.  I’m sure you have seen it; the driver and the passengers all begin to clap their hands as the background music plays “We will, we will rock you…”

Check the fine print on that ad and you will see that they claim that the vehicle you are seeing is a “pre-production model”.  No problem there – – until you recall that GMC has been showing the same ad for about 3 years now. So:

• When might the vehicle shown in the ad actually be produced? 

Oh, but there is more reason to read the GMC Sierra fine print than that minor point.  The ad shows the truck hauling a load with the hand-clappers inside as it autonomously passes a slower vehicle on the totally vacant highway.  Once again, no problem until you read the fine print to learn that lane changing – – essential to passing a slower vehicle – – will not be available when towing something with the truck.  So, we have a model that does not exist yet being advertised with a feature that will not be available whenever it does exist.  Isn’t that swell?

GMC Sierra is consistent if nothing else in its ads.  Another ad shows the vehicle mastering plenty of difficult terrain.  If you are into off-roading, this is probably impressive – – until you read the fine print.  There, you will learn that the vehicle you are seeing on your screen is another pre-production model and that some “features” may not be available on production models.  Sign me up for a test drive if/when one of these things ever enters the real world…

Buick Envision is another brand that runs old ads.  One of those old ads ran again in 2023 during March Madness; it has fine print at the bottom saying that it shows features that may or may not be available on 2021 models.  Guess what, If I am looking to buy a NEW Buick Envision, I doubt I could find a 2021 model with or without those unspecified features.

Mercedes Benz advertises their “Certified Pre-Owned” cars that are meticulously examined before you are even allowed to see them let alone buy them.  Excuse me, but I don’t need Mercedes Benz to certify or assure me in any way that someone has owned or leased the car before me; the odometer will certify that to me perfectly adequately.

Here’s a thing about lots of car company ads.  They tell us that they will give a certain interest rate or a certain set of lease terms to “well qualified buyers”.  OK, that’s great; now I know what Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos can get as terms from your company if they choose only to buy a car and not to pay cash and buy the whole damned company.  Can you please:

1. Define “well qualified buyer”.  What percentage of people who walk into a showroom turn out to be “well qualified”?
2. Give out the terms for a “moderately qualified buyer” and maybe even for a “bottom-of-the-barrel buyer”.

Little Caesars is the “Official Pizza of the NFL” this year; they obviously out-pizzaed the Hut to earn that designation.  Little Caesars makes miserable pizza AND it also assaults game viewers with stupid ads too.

• Memo to Ad Execs:  That is quite the exacta there…

Jack Links beef jerky shows some guys in a lavatory.  One guy is eating beef jerky in there which is nauseating at best.  Then “Sasquatch” comes into the restroom and starts peeing like a firehose until he knocks a urinal off the wall with the force of his elimination.

• Memo to Ad Execs:  I am never going to buy a Jack Links product – – ever.

Amazon has an ad where a guy decides to get some “early Holiday shopping” done.  He receives a box with the Amazon.com logo on it which contains some unidentifiable object in it.  Then he goes and jumps off a dock into waters with ice floes still floating in the water.  That’s it; that’s the ad.  And that is supposed to get me to go to Amazon.com and order something early for my Holiday shopping?  I don’t think so.

I know this ad has been on the list before, but they keep running the same one year after year.  I refer here to the “Kars-4-Kids” ad where a “rock group” of untalented kids sing the same annoying jingle that has been around since forever.  It is probably only a rumor, but some folks think that Julius Caesar was stabbed to death because he would not stop singing that outrageous tune.  The “music” in this ad is so bad I am compelled to issue the following warning:

• Warning:  Wherever those “musicians” are performing this song or any other song, that area will be designated as an “International Talent-Free Zone.”

Who thought the idea of a buffalo that grew wings and speaks English was an interesting character to introduce in ads for Buffalo Wild Wings – – Get it???.  Let me be clear; Buffalo Wild Wings is a horrendous place to go and try to watch an important sporting event; it is needlessly loud and often offensive.  It would take some brilliant advertising campaign to get me to go there for a game.  These ads assure I will not go there to watch any sporting event of any kind.

Lume Deodorant cream aired an ad where a woman describes in complete detail her problem areas as:

• “… pits, underboob, sideboob, thigh folds, butt crack…”
• Memo to Ad Execs:  I just wish she would go and take a shower.

Burger King had an ad for various sorts of combo meals; you pick the kind of sandwich you want as the “main course”.  There is nothing unusual here; no big deal.  Except, these were all “bacon combos” and one of the choices was an “Impossible Burger” – – with bacon.  Really …???

Also in the “fast food category” is the Taco Bell ad where they set up a counter and a kitchen in Davante Adams’ house so he could always have immediate access to Taco Bell.  That is beyond stupid…

Old Spice ran an ad that has a guy in a bathrobe going to a “club” to address some women at a table.  He wants to know if one of the women there has used his Old Spice Body Wash.  She says of course she did because she would not let hotel soap touch her precious skin.

• Memo to Precious Skin Lady:  If you are that worried about hotel soap, pack whatever you need and bring it from home.  It’s not difficult.

The insurance companies never fail to make this annual compendium.  I guess the reason is that the product being sold by the various companies is basically the same from vendor to vendor and it would not be particularly attention-grabbing to have someone drone on about coverages and deductibles and exclusions and …  So, someone in the ad world decided many years ago to create “humorous ads” for insurance products.  At first, there were some clever ones like the gecko and the cavemen and “What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?”  Uhh… Khakis…”  Those days seem to be nothing but fond memories as we look at today’s insurance ad creations.

Progressive Insurance a while back created a cast of characters for their ads, and I guess the underlying thinking for that cast of characters was for each one to be more annoying than the ones preceding it.  This year, Progressive introduced a new character, “TV Dad”.  Not only did he live down to the standard of being more annoying than any of the other Progressive characters, but he is also even more annoying than “LIMU the Emu – – and Doug”.  Now that was a difficult limbo bar to get under – – but Progressive did.

Speaking of LIMU the Emu and Doug, they introduced a kid to their ads this year.  Basically, he is a mini-version of Doug with a moustache and a tiny toy auto that he drives.

• Memo to Ad Execs:  As the kid rides off in his toy car, Doug tells him to “Stay off the freeway.”  I often tell the kid at that point to “Go play in traffic!”

The “Bad Ads” listing would not be complete without an entry from the beer makers.  This year, Bud Light put together an ad where Peyton Manning goes to a bar and orders a round of Bud Lights for the bar.  Celebratory shouting ensues as Manning tosses beers to other patrons and then out of nowhere he is joined by Emmitt Smith as simultaneous tossers of beer cans to the masses.  Can you imagine the clean-up mess in that bar as about 50 people open cans of Bud Light that have been thrown to them that they caught – – presumably on the fly?  That establishment will smell of stale beer for a month after that event.

The ads for JG Wentworth – – call 877-CashNow – – are anything but entertaining or attractive, but they make this list because they advertise a service that can actually be harmful to folks who use it.  JG Wentworth will buy out a person’s annuity; and in many cases, people purchased an annuity or had one purchased for them as a means to provide cash in retirement.  Selling one out to JG Wentworth to satisfy some real-time craving can come back to haunt the seller in his/her golden years.  I cringe at those ads.

“Bad Ads” is traditionally the final rant of the year out of Curmudgeon Central.  Having reflected on the Bad Ads for 2023, it is comforting to know that as the calendar turns to 2024, the advertising world will continue to provide materials for another year-ending event 12 months from now.  I won’t need to wait until Spring for any sort of “renewal”.  In mid-February there will be a huge number of Super Bowl ads and surely somewhere in that compendium will be the start of next year’s list.  And since 2024 will be an “Election Year”, I know that I and everyone else will be inundated with political ads next year.  Just a thing to remember here:

• Any objective truth represented in a political ad is there by accident at best.

Based on the contents of this and previous “Bad Ads” rants, I hope that these words from novelist Norman Douglas are not accurate:

“You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.”

Happy New Year, everyone.  Stay safe and stay well in 2024.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………