The Name Game

Every year, after the Super Bowl, I look forward to this day for several weeks; the day after “Selection Sunday” is a predictable day of fun for me here in Curmudgeon Central.  It begins with the highly predictable wails coming from random parts of the sports world about which teams were “snubbed” by the Selection Committee.  How could those out-of-touch fossils have left out Disco Tech after their 10-point win over Cadaver College in the Highly Irrelevant Conference Tournament?  What were those doofuses thinking?

That sort of silliness is interesting – and tolerable – because it only lasts about 36 hours.  All that weeping and gnashing of teeth will be over and done with by late tonight or early tomorrow morning when the focus will shift entirely to:

• Bracket Busters
• Which “12-seed” will beat which “5-seed” this year?
• Which “1-seed” has the easiest path to the Final Four?
• Which “1-seed” has the toughest path to the Final Four?
• Oh, yeah, the play-in games start tomorrow too.  Who’s in those games?
• Those games are on truTV; what channel is truTV?  Is it on my cable system?

You get the picture…

Here in Curmudgeon Central, I know that I am about to embark on three weeks of enjoyment watching all or parts of 67 March Madness games.  So, this is a day for me to have fun with the tournament field and the players’ names on the teams involved.  For example:

• Alabama gets to play “at home” in Birmingham for the first two games.  No other team gets that sort of treatment – – unless you want to consider that UConn and Iona will square off in Albany, NY and one will advance to a second game in that neighboring host city.
• If Missouri and Princeton both advance to the second round, it will feature the Tigers vs the Tigers.
• If Kentucky and K-State both advance to the second round, it will feature the Wildcats vs the Wildcats.
• If Iona and St. Mary’s both advance to the second round, it will feature the Gaels vs the Gaels.  [Aside:  For those of you with a prurient interest here, consider this “Gael-on-Gael action”.]
• In the first round, the Michigan State Spartans will play the USC Trojans.  That is not exactly the story line for The Iliad, but it’s close.
• And if the Final game matches Utah St. out of the South Region against Texas A&M out of the West Region, the game will feature the Aggies vs the Aggies.

The other thing I like to do on this day is to compile lists of players’ names in various groupings as if they were themed “all-tournament teams”.  This is all done in fun; it is mostly wordplay with the players’ names.  Let the good times roll…

Let me begin with a sampling of players with Alliterative Names:

• Andrew Alia – – Drake
• Ansley Almonor – – Fairleigh Dickenson
• Alex Anamekwe – – Texas
• Aguek Arop – – San Diego St.
• Brooks Barnhizer – – Northwestern
• Boo Buie – – Northwestern
• Ben Brunham – – College of Charleston
• Bruceson Burns – – Drake
• Carson Cooper – – Michigan St.
• Colin Coyne – – Tennessee
• Dain Dainja – – Illinois
• Dashawn Davis – – Mississippi St.
• Davonte Davis – – Arkansas
• Devin Davis – – Creighton
• Dylan Disu – – Texas
• Emarion Ellis – – Marquette
• Evan Eursher – – Southeast Missouri St.
• Francisco Farabello – – Creighton
• Greg Gantt – – NC St.
• Gage Gomez – – UC Santa Barbara
• Hakim Hart – – Maryland
• Harrison Hornery – – USC
• Jamie Jacquez, Jr. – – UCLA – – (Hits the Trifecta)
• Jack Johnson – – Florida Atlantic
• Jarkel Joiner – – NC St.
• Josiah-Jordan James – – Tennessee (Hits the Trifecta)
• KJ Keats – – NC St.
• Keeshawn Kellman – – Princeton
• Konrad Kiszka – – Princeton
• Kobe Knox – – Grand Canyon
• Kerr Kriisa – – Arizona
• Luc Laketa – – Iowa
• Logan Landers – – Grand Canyon
• Langston Love – – Baylor
• Mabor Majak – – Missouri (Hits the Trifecta)
• Matthew Mayer – – Illinois
• Mike Miles, Jr. – – TCU
• Makhel Mitchell – – Arkansas
• Makhi Mitchell – – Arkansas
• Mason Miller – – Creighton
• Mitchell Minor – – Northern Kentucky
• Mark Mitchell – – Duke
• Ose Okojie – – Howard
• Osun Osunniyi – – Iowa St.
• Pearson Parker – – Colgate
• Presley Patterson – – Auburn
• Steve Settle III – – Howard
• Silas Sunday – – Iona
• Zakai Zeigler – – Tennessee

As I like to point out in these compilations, I keep looking for the “Grand Slam” Alliterative Name like:

• Ishmael Ivanovic from the Illinois Institute – – or – –
• Carl Cranberry from the College of Charleston

The search continues …

Next up, here are players who names might portend their career paths once their basketball careers come to an end.  Call this list the Career Omens List:

• Chandler Baker – – Colgate – – Dough boy
• Kaleb Banks – – Indiana – – Financier
• Noah Batchelor – – Maryland – – Reality TV star
• Tamar Bates – – Indiana – – Motel owner
• Jamon Battle – – UNC-Asheville – – Soldier of fortune
• RaeQuan Battle – – Montana St. – – Comrade in arms
• Jimmy Bell, Jr. – – West Virginia – – Boxing timekeeper
• Ariel Bland – – UC Santa Barbara – – Disney princess
• Stanley Borden – – Duke – – Dairy farmer
• Jalen Bridges – – Baylor – – Construction engineer
• Ante Brzovic – – College of Charleston – – Professional poker player
• Lamont Butler – – San Diego St. – – Too easy …
• Miles Byrd – – San Diego St. – – Ornithologist
• Tyger Campbell – – UCLA – – Safari guide
• Alex Capitano – – Colgate – – Italian Army officer
• Skyy Clark – – Illinois – – Airline pilot
• Xavier Cork – – TCU – – Sommelier
• Cooper Davis – – Toledo – – Barrel maker
• Cruz Davis – – Iona – – Sailor
• Miles Dread – – Penn St. – – Fright film producer
• Derrian Ford – – Arkansas – – Car dealer
• Michael Forrest – – Florida Atlantic – – Logger
• Matt Frost – – Purdue – – Dairy Queen owner
• Simeon Fryer – – Texas A&M – Corpus Christi – – KFC owner.
• Jordan Geronimo – – Indiana – – Native American historian
• Ben Gold – – Marquette – – Investment advisor
• Tre Gomillion – – Missouri – – Professional gambler
• Henry Hartwell – – UC Santa Barbara – – Cardiologist
• Rory Hawke – – St. Mary’s – – Falconer
• Hayden Hefner – – Texas A&M – – Magazine publisher
• Tyrese Hunter – – Texas – – Not a gatherer
• Tyreke Key – – Tennessee – – Locksmith
• Jaxon Kohler – – Michigan St. – – Plumber
• Chandler Leopard – – Auburn – – Big game hunter
• Demetrius Lilley – – Penn St. – – Florist
• Dante Maddox, Jr. – – Toledo – – Poet
• Julius Marble – – Texas A&M – – Sculptor
• Charlie McCarthy – – Kansas – – Ventriloquist
• Hunter McIntosh – – Nevada – – Computer scientist
• Zach Martini – Princeton – – Mixologist
• Dieonte Miles – – Xavier – – Mapmaker
• Lukas Milner – – Boise St. – – Hatmaker
• Shereef Mitchell – – Creighton – – Law enforcement officer
• Ethan Morton – – Purdue – – Salt magnate
• KeShawn Murphy – – Mississippi St. – – Lawmaker
• Eric Northweather- — Drake – – Meteorologist
• David Pickles – – UC Santa Barbara – – Too easy…
• Wooga Poplar – – Miami – – Arborist
• Tyrese Proctor – – Duke – – Watchdog
• Keegan Records – – Colgate – – Music producer
• James Repass – – Furman – – Chef
• Freedom Rhames – – Howard – – Defense attorney
• Julian Roper II – – Northwestern – – Professional rodeo
• Mark Sears – – Alabama – – Retail merchant
• Marcus Shaver, Jr. – – Boise St. – – Barber
• Nike Sibande – – Pitt – – Shoe salesman
• Jackson Skipper – – Vermont – – Leading three-hour tours?
• Aquan Smart – – Southeast Missouri St. – – Professor of philosophy
• Trevian Tennyson – – Texas A&M-Corpus Christi – – Poet Laureate
• Deshang Weaver – – Oral Roberts – – Rugmaker
• Jason Whitens – – Michigan St. – – Cosmetic dentist
• Sam Winter – – Boise St. – – Climatologist
• Jordan Wood – – Howard – – Carpenter

Here are some players who have what I call Back-and-Forth Names – – if you revers the first name and the surname, it still sounds like a normal player name:

• Timmy Allen – – Texas
• Jaden Bradley – – Alabama
• Chris Brandon – – Northern Kentucky
• Colby Brooks – – Gonzaga
• Joe Charles – – Louisiana
• Preston Clark – – Texas
• Chris Craig – – Texas Southern
• Dexter Dennis – – Texas A&M
• Carson Dick – – Maryland
• Gradey Dick – – Kansas
• Robin Duncan – – Vermont
• Ja’Vier Francis – – Houston
• Keyonte George – – Baylor
• Kent Gilbert – – Tennessee
• Kobe Clark – – Southeast Missouri St.
• Tramon Mark – – Houston
• Cam Martin – – Kansas
• Jayden Pierre – – Providence
• Cole Sherman – – Northern Kentucky
• Anthony Thomas – – Kansas St.
• Michael Thomas – – Louisiana

Here is a 15-player roster where the players’ names relate to US Presidents:

• Cam Carter – – Kansas St.
• Devin Carter – – Providence
• Tyler Cochran – – Toledo
• Robert Ford III – – Montana St.
• Taylor Funk – – Utah St.
• Andre Jackson, Jr. – – UConn
• Jalen Jackson – – Texas A&M – Corpus Christi
• Joshua Jefferson – – St. Mary’s
• Michael Jefferson – – Iona
• Keyontae Johnson – – Kansas St.
• Logan Johnson – – St. Mary’s
• Xavier Johnson – – Indiana
• Michael Kennedy – – Marquette
• Keonte Kennedy – – Memphis
• Solomon Washington – – Texas A&M

Here are players whose names bring to mind an Artist’s Palette”:

• Anthony Black – – Arkansas
• Cameron Brown – – Marquette
• Darius Brown II – – Montana St.
• Javonte Brown – – Texas A&M
• Jordan Brown – – Louisiana
• Kaleb Brown – – Missouri
• Kobe Brown – – Missouri
• Matt Brown – – Kennesaw St.
• Reese Brown – – Howard
• Ronnie DeGray III – – Missouri
• Jasen Green – – Creighton
• Wendell Green, Jr. – – Auburn
• Tykei Greene – – Kansas St.
• Chancellor White – – Louisiana
• Tre White – – USC

Now consider nine players’ names that relate to Nobility or Peerage:

• Duke Brennan – – Arizona St.
• Sir Isaac Herron – – Oral Roberts
• Eli King – – Iowa St.
• Frederick King – – Creighton
• Jamel King – – West Virginia
• Sam King – – Purdue
• Tre King – – Iowa St.
• Markquis Nowell – – Kansas St.
• Sir’Jabari Rice – – Texas

Here is a Baker’s Dozen player names that have Geographic Place Names:

• Devin Austin – – Princeton
• Israel Barnes – – Southeast Missouri St.
• Desmond Cambridge, Jr.  Arizona St.
• Brennan Canada – – Kentucky
• Grant Darbyshire – – Kentucky
• Eric Holland – – Kennesaw St.
• David Joplin – – Marquette
• Khalil London – – College of Charleston
• London Maiden – – Kent St.
• Jordan Miller – – Miami
• Austin Sacks – – Baylor
• Jordan Turner – – Baylor
• Warren Washington – – Arizona St.

Some players’ names make me wonder if they are somehow Related to Someone Else I’ve Heard of:

• Cade Alger – – San Diego St. – – Horatio’s grandson?
• Carter Ash – – Montana St. – – former Secretary of Defense in disguise?
• Ace Baldwin, Jr. – – VCU – – Alec’s nephew?
• Damion Baugh – – TCU – – Sammy’s grandson?
• Leon Bond III – – Virginia – – James’ nephew?
• Sincere Carry – – Kent St. – – related to Concealed Carry?
• Noah Clowney – – Alabama – – Jadeveon’s brother?
• Bradley Colbert – – Xavier – – Stephen’s son?
• Davin Cosby, Jr. – – Alabama – – Bill’s nephew?
• Malcom Dandridge – – Memphis – – Bobby Dandridge’s son for real!
• Mac Etienne – – UCLA – – Travis’ brother?
• Themus Fulks – – Louisiana – – Joe’s grandson?
• Jayden Hardaway – – Memphis – – Penny Hardaway’s son for real!
• Cole LaRue – – Kennesaw St. – – Lash’s grandson?
• Taj Manning – – Kansas St. – – Archie’s other son?
• Xavier Rhodes – – Northern Kentucky – – Former Minnesota Vikings DB?
• Clifton Moore – – Providence – – Clayton’s grandson?
• Roman Penn – – Drake – – William’s descendant?
• Dylan Penn – – Vermont – – A long-lost brother?
• Tony Perkins – – Iowa – – Did you ever own a motel?
• Nae’Qwan Tomlin – – Kansas St. – – Lily’s son?
• Cameron Tweedy – Fairleigh Dickinson – – Conrad’s grandson?

There are lots of players’ names that create a Biblical Team:

• Luke Barrett – – St. Mary’s
• Christian Bishop – – Texas
• Micah Burno – – Arizona St.
• Luke Champion – – Arizona
• Adam Cottrell – – Alabama
• Adam Flagler – – Baylor
• Joel Emanuel – – Fairleigh Dickenson
• Noah Gurley – – Alabama
• Aaron Harden – – Texas A&M – Corpus Christi
• Malique Jacobs – – Kent State
• Samson Johnson – – UConn
• Jonah Lucas – – Marquette
• Elijah McCadden – – Memphis
• Isaac McKneely – – Virginia
• Joshua Morgan – – USC
• Micah Parrish – – San Diego St.
• Christian Reeves – – Duke
• Elijah Saunders – – San Diego St.
• Emanuel Sharp – – Houston
• Malachi Smith – – Gonzaga
• Isaiah Sulack – – Tennessee
• Jacob Toppin – – Kentucky
• Elijah Tucker – – Xavier
• Christian Watson – – Miami
• Jeremiah Williams – – Iowa St.
• Isaiah Wong – – Miami

The final compendium of players’ names are ones that will create agita on the sports desks at newspapers around the country.  These are the Copy Editors’ Nightmares:

• Babatunde Akingbola – – Auburn
• Kaodirichi Akobundu-Ehiogu – – Memphis
• Sadiku Ibine Ayo – – Iona
• Ileri Ayo-Faleye – – Vermont
• Filip Borovicanin – – Arizona
• Okay Djamgouz – – Drake
• Souleymane Doumbia – – TCU
• Zuby Ejiofor – – Kansas
• Tosan Evbuomwan – – Princeton
• Filippos Gkogkos – – Miami
• Oso Ighodaro – – Marquette
• Vincent Iwuchukwu – – USC
• Abayomi Iyiola – – Kansas St.
• Michel Ndayishimiye – – Vermont
• Sadraque NgaNga – – Boise St.
• Olivier Nkamhoua – – Tennessee
• Josh Ojiaanwuna – – Baylor
• Yvan Ouedraogo – – Grand Canyon
• Ayodele Taiwo – – Howard
• Jonathan Tchamwa-Tchatchoua
• Azuolas Tubelis – – Arizona
• Derrick Michael Xzavierro – – Grand Canyon
• Szymon Zapala – – Utah St.

[Aside:  In addition to copy editors having nightmares with some of these names, have some sympathy for the guys doing play-by-play when these folks are in the game.]

Before closing here, let me point out some specific players’ names that caught my eye as I was perusing rosters:

• Five players have names that are complete sentences including Delaney Heard – – Alabama, Chase Martin – – Purdue, Chase Ross – – Marquette, Race Thompson – – Indiana and Richie Springs – – UConn.
• Nijel Pack – – Miami has a name that would be a complete sentence if you add a comma.
• Baylor Scheierman – – Creighton seems to be at the wrong school.
• Raekwon Horton – – College of Charleston makes me wonder if he heard a Who?
• Nicolas Louis-Jacques – – Colgate – – is tied for the lead in the nation in the number of first names with Josh Pierre-Louis – – UC Santa Barbara.
• Olivier Maxense Prosper – – Marquette – – needs to name his first son Live-Long-And.
• One player has a name that is simultaneously Alliterative and Back and Forth and Tautological.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Federiko Federiko – – Pitt.

Finally, to make sure everyone understands that this was all in fun, let me present three observations about people’s names:

“You are not a star until they can spell your name in Karachi.”  [Humphrey Bogart]

And …

“It ain’t what they call you; it’s what you answer to.”  [W.C. Fields]

And …

“The author of ‘The Iliad’ is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name.”  [Aldous Huxley]

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………