“Wireless Vibrating Anal Beads”

Last week, I got an email from a reader with an interesting stat:

“According to Statfax, the New York Mets since 2021 have spent a total of 789 days in first place (Most in baseball) and have not won their division either year.”

And over the weekend, the Mets continued their recent predilection for fading in the Fall by being eliminated in the wild card round of the NL playoffs by the Padres.  In the deciding game played in NYC, the Mets managed all of 1 base hit and scored zero runs.  The Padres advance in the playoffs and will face the Dodgers in a SoCal round of the NL playoffs while the Phillies and Braves will square off in the “Eastern bracket”.

In case you have ignored this story to date, let me remind folks here that there is a potential cheating scandal brewing in the world of – – chess.  The world champion, Magnus Carlson (Norway) resigned from a match against a 19-year-old chess wunderkind, Hans Nieman, after only one move.  In a previous match between the two grand masters, Carlson thought Nieman was cheating because of some very different moves/strategies Nieman had employed.

Nieman has admitted cheating in some online chess games in the past but asserts he has never cheated in a live game against an opponent.  Obviously, I do not have nearly enough information to “take sides” here but the saga did take an interesting turn late last week.  According to a report I read, Carlson also has a hypothesis as to how Nieman accomplished his cheating in that prior match.

  • Carlson asserts that Nieman was receiving illicit signals from his coach with the use of “wireless vibrating anal beads”.

And now I want to form a nexus between the first two issues discussed here today.

  • In the 6th inning of the deciding game against the Padres, the Mets’ manager,, Buck Showalter, asked the umpires to examine Padres’ pitcher Joe Musgrove’s ears for a “banned substance”.  The Mets were trailing 4-0 at the time and had only one hit in the game.  The umpires found nothing, and some have said that Showalter was trying to use gamesmanship to upset Musgrove’s rhythm.  It didn’t work…
  • Perhaps Carlson is trying to play mind games with his young chess opponent.  But forget that for the moment and try to picture how the chess officials in charge of a live match between Carlson and Nieman might check to be sure there are no “wireless vibrating anal beads” …

The NFL employs “unaffiliated neurotrauma consultants”; the chess-people would need to provide “unaffiliated proctological consultants”.  I began writing these rants in the mid-1990s and they went on the Internet in 2001.  I must admit that I never thought I would ever type these four words – wireless, vibrating, anal and beads – in sequence in any rant related to the world of sports.  And yet, here we are…

Enough silliness …  There is a report in today’s New York Times written by Jenny Vrentas and Emanuel Morgan announcing that the NFL and the NFLPA have agreed to change the concussion rules citing the Tua Tagovailoa situation as the impetus for doing so.  That is all well and good; having the flexibility to assess situations and finding ways to make them better is an admirable trait.  Congratulations to the league and the union for that.

However, there is an element of “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain” here.  If you recall, when Tua was allowed to play in the second half of the game against the Bills there were questions about how that could be allowed given that he stumbled when he stood up after taking a hit to the head.  That was sort of explained by alluding to a “back injury” but then a second blow to the head resulted in a severe concussion that carted Tua off the field on a board.

Now please recall all the outrage expressed by writers and on-air commentators after the Tua’s second injury.  Please also recall that the NFLPA said it would pursue legal options to protect their member and that they then rescinded their approval of the unaffiliated neurotrauma consultant” who was at that game.  One report said the union would consider seeking sanction by the medical licensing officials for the medical people involved here.

At the time, I said the key issue was what happened during the examination of Tua after his injury in the Bills game.  That was the issue that had to be examined in detail BEFORE all the bloviating made any sense.  Now let me quote from today’s New York Times report: [emphasis added]

“The NFL and its players’ union said Saturday that doctors followed the concussion protocol in treating Miami Dolphins’ quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa after he hit his head in a Sept.25 game, but that the protocol will be changed because Tagovailoa’s return to the field was not what was intended by the rules covering the evaluation of brain injuries.

The medical folks did what the protocol told them to do.  So – – now the question is very different:

  • Who set up those protocols that were followed but allowed Tua to return to the game even though that was not the intent of the protocols?

I am sure there were dozens of people involved but one of the involved parties was the NFLPA itself.  The union had to approve and sign off on what is now labeled to be a “faulty protocol”, one which allows a union member (player) to return to the field even though the intent was not to allow that to happen.

  • So, how long do you think we will have to wait before the union apologizes to the medical folks involved in those examinations as publicly as they excoriated them about a week ago?
  • In addition, how long until all the screamers on ESPN and FS1 issue similar apologies for pontificating on a subject they did not know enough about?

Don’t hold your breath…

Finally, let me close today with an observation about the medical profession by Groucho Marx who played Dr. Hackenbush in A Day at the Races:

“She got her good looks from her father.  He’s a plastic surgeon.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………

 

 

6 thoughts on ““Wireless Vibrating Anal Beads””

  1. The NFL needs to establish Roughing the Passer protocols. Whatever they are using now isn’t working.

    1. Doug:

      I assume you are referring to the outrageous call against Grady Jackson in the Falcons/Bucs game yesterday. I agree that was a horrible call and the attempted “explanation” by the officials only made it worse.

  2. Professor:

    I have been following the Magnus Carlson saga only because one of my neighbors was a chess player of note in his early days, and he mentioned the ferment in the chess world. I suspect that ‘wireless’ vibrating anal beads are more appropriate than wired vibrating anal beads plus external accoutrements, although both paint a distressing picture.

    1. Price:

      In the context of a “signaling device”, I suspect one could attach almost any 3 words you want to the 4th word “anal” and the picture would be “distressing”.

  3. and now stumbling is a possible sign…. Bridgewater was tackled on his first play yesterday, apparently stumbled walking to the side line, though not on camera. A spotter – not a doctor, a spotter – called it, and put him out for the game. He passed all concussion protocols and showed no signs. But “ataxia” – new word of the day….. out for the game. The hit was at his ribs, he might have hit his head falling back, but it was a much smaller man low, not a huge lineman on top, and he got right up.

    They going to call this the next time some runner gets tripped by the 5 yard line?

    1. Ed:

      The idea that a spotter can send a player to “the protocol” MIGHT become an issue related to the integrity of the game too.

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