He also said that the Jags helped to put Jax on the map and into the national discourse. He is right about that. Fifteen years ago when Pete Rozelle announced that one of two expansion franchises was going to Jacksonville, a widespread reaction around the nation was:

“WTF?”

Notwithstanding the exactitude of his remarks on that point, here is where Tony Boselli went around the bend. He also said:

“Even if you don’t like football, if you’re in business in Jacksonville you need to support the Jaguars. It’s the duty of anyone who can afford season tickets to buy them.”

Excuse me. A duty is some kind of an obligation – legal or moral – which should compel one to act in a certain way. Clearly, there is no legal obligation to buy Jags tickets; therefore, I will have to wait to hear the moral impetus that demands ticket purchases by “anyone who can afford season tickets.”

Once again, Jacksonville Florida has engendered the reaction:

“WTF?”

It must be “National WTF Day” - - and no one told me - - because that has to be the reaction to the reason given by the LA Clippers for firing GM, Mike Dunleavy, yesterday. Believe me, I am not going to make an argument that Dunleavy should not have been fired; he had been the GM and/or the coach there for seven years and the team was more than 100 games under .500 for that time-span. However, it is the reason given by the Clippers that is stunning - - not that they need to give any reason in the first place; basketball coaches and GM are not tenured in their jobs.

Here is part of the statement by the LA Clippers on this matter:

“The Clippers want to win now.”

That statement is stunning; when I first ran across it, I shook my head in disbelief and went back to read the statement again thinking I may have developed dyslexia and read it incorrectly. After re-reading it, let me summarize my thoughts:

Say what?

You mean they have not wanted to win for the last 25 years?

Are they going to give refunds to the saps who paid to watch all of those games?

WTF?

The statement by the Clippers reminds me of a hugely comical moment in NFL football history. Back in the 90s, an aging Leon Hess owned the NY Jets. Hess decided on a coaching change for the Jets and announced that he wanted to win a Super Bowl now because he did not have much time left on the planet. [Aside: Mr., Hess was correct on that score; he died about five years after making his coaching change.] However, Mr. Hess’ selection as the coach that would take the Jets to the Super Bowl “now” was the one and only, Richard Edward Kotite.

At this point, I feel compelled to remind Clippers’ owner, Donald Sterling, of the words of British philosopher, Edmund Burke:

“Those who don’t know history are destined to repeat it.”

Speaking obliquely of the NY Jets, their new cornerback, Antonio Cromartie, looks as if he might be an interesting character. Only in his mid-20s, Cromartie has sired seven children with six women in five states. Whatever the Jets do, they have to put a security blanket around this guy to assure that he never hooks up with Octomom.

When it was revealed that the Jets gave him an advance on his salary for next season to take care of some “paternity issues”, Cromartie – via his people – issued a statement which said, in part:

“I made some wrong decisions in my first two years [in the NFL] and I have to take on that responsibility.”

Excuse me. He made wrong decisions? Making a decision demands the consideration of alternative means to achieve an end. Did he consider the possibility of contraception and consciously choose not to use it? Seven times? In the spirit of today as a national celebration, I must ask again:

“WTF?”

Finally, here is an item from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times:

“Veteran NFL nose tackle Jason Ferguson has been given an eight-game ban next season for violating the league’s performance-enhancing drug policy.

“Adding further insult, during his suspension he’ll be listed as a dislocated nose.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

It was a clerical error. The school was not sufficiently vigilant in keeping and filing the records on practice schedules.

Memo to All Small Time Football Schools: Do not try to use this defense if you come under NCAA scrutiny. This only works for the “big boys”.

Let me get this straight. Several of the “student-athletes” on the Michigan team blew the whistle here. These are some of those folks who the NCAA loves to tell us “will be going pro” in lots of fields other than athletics. The players claimed they were practicing more than 8 hours a week. However, the NCAA says it was only a clerical error.

Translation: The Michigan football players are too stupid to tell time. They cannot differentiate between 8 hours in a week and 24 hours in a week.

Michigan has a new AD; he comes to that position having been the CEO of Domino’s Pizza; perhaps he can find jobs for all those Michigan players who cannot tell time? Allow me to point out something to the new AD that I am sure has not been a centerpiece of the briefings he has gotten from his football folks:

1. Rich Rodriguez has a winning percentage of .333 in his time at Michigan.

2. The team has been practicing 3 times more than it should.

3. If I suggested that his winning percentage might be .111 with appropriate levels of practice, do you think keeping better records for practice time is your biggest problem there?

You are welcome.

Regarding the seemingly ever-expanding set of divorce proceedings between Frank and Jamie McCourt, one report said that the attorney fees for both sides could exceed $19M. [Aside: Did I hear someone say ‘recession”?] LA Dodger fans need to keep that number in mind because the Dodgers could solve a lot of their pitching problems for less than $19M.

The Arena Football League is back after it crashed, burned and canceled a season. Maybe it should be called the Phoenix Football League - - rising from its own ashes? A key element in the resurrection here is a one-year TV deal with NFL Network. NFLN will televise a Friday night game during the season, which will run from early April thru August. Already in high rhetorical form, the Arena League Commish, Jerry Kurz, pronounced that the relaunch of the Arena League is “bringing back jobs”. So, maybe he is positioning himself to be the next Secretary of Labor or maybe Commerce? Neither of those positions would give him a hard act to follow…

On the website now there are 15 teams listed for the new Arena Football League - - and the season starts in less than a month. Unless the league has some exciting new ideas that will allow three teams to compete in the same game, one team will have to be “inactive” every week.

Here is one other interesting thing about the new league. One of the teams is brand new; it is not one of the teams from any of the previous arena leagues; it is starting fresh in 2010. That team will be the Jacksonville Sharks. In the NFL, Jacksonville cannot sell out its tickets. It will be interesting to see how that same market responds to minor league football.

Having mentioned the rebirth of the Arena League, perhaps it is fitting and symmetrical now to mention the precipice on which MLS finds itself. There has been plenty of talk about the bargaining in the NFL for a new CBA and about the financial woes of the NBA. Flying under the radar here is a similar problem for MLS. The players and the league have been negotiating for a new labor contract for months but it has not reached fruition. The MLS season usually starts in the last week of March/first week of April time-frame; so, there is not a whole lot of time left to get something done here.

The thing that makes these failed negotiations seem really stupid is that this is a “World Cup Year”. In the US, that translates into a higher level of interest in and awareness of soccer. One might think that both the league and the players would want to capitalize on that spike in interest/awareness to bring new fans to the league. MLS has grown in size and in popularity in recent years; if both sides do not find a way to avoid a work stoppage, they are all dumb as bait. Alienating fans this World Cup Year and in this economic environment is probably the worst idea since the leisure suit.

The league position is that they will not lock the players out. The league says they are willing to continue to negotiate while playing the 2010 season under the terms of the now expired CBA. The Philadelphia Union will play its inaugural season in MLS this year - - if there is a season - - and next year MLS hopes to expand by two more teams in Vancouver and Portland.

Memo to MLS Owners and Players: It is time to channel Larry The Cable Guy. Git ‘r done.

Finally, Greg Cote of the Miami Herald can bring you up to speed very quickly on two happenings in the Miami area so you need not spend time looking for information on your own:

“A sponsor referred to last week’s Miami Marathon as ‘the Pro Bowl of running events.’ I take that to mean half the runners pulled out with fake injuries? Turned out to be a great, somewhat historic race, though. Americans won, not Kenyans.”

“The annual Miami International Boat Show is wrapping up. Tough economy for that. I understand the biggest-selling boats were the kind that float next to the rubber duck in the bathtub.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

Speaking indirectly of the Philadelphia 76ers, Mark Heisler of the LA Times reported a few weeks ago that the Sixers might be on track to lose $30M this year. If every team in the league were in that situation, the league would stand to lose $900M this year and not the measly $400M that David Stern mentioned during the All-Star Game weekend. Financially, the NBA is not in as good condition as the NHL; you certainly could not have made that statement with a straight face 10 years ago.

Allow me to nibble around the edges of that “revenue shortfall” for a moment and suggest to the NBA a couple of ways to cut down on obviously bloated expenditures. At the outset, let me say that I know these ideas will only cut costs by only a small amount. However, thinking in these kinds of ways might open up minds in ways to consider other cost containments:

1. Save electricity. Cut out the laser light shows and the “smoke enveloped” entrances by the teams.

2. Save more electricity. Cut down on the loud music and other nonsense during halftime and every timeout. Oh by the way, if you cut the loud music, you can also release the resident “disc jockey” and save a salary plus benefits there.

3. Trim the coaching staffs. The Washington Wizards have four assistant coaches. If you watch that team play a full game, you will come away scratching your head wondering what those four guys actually do for a living. By the way, the Knicks and Clippers have five assistants while the Bobcats have six. If teams cannot control themselves, the league needs to put a limit on the number of assistants per team - - say two.

Clearly, none of those cost savings will add up to $400M league-wide. What has to happen is to contain player salaries. However, the way the NBA has marketed itself over the past 25-30 years, the salaries of the top players are not the problem. The NBA markets its stars and it is the stars that bring people to the arenas and to the TV sets. Maybe the stars are overpaid in terms of the revenue they bring in but only by a little bit; the real problem lies in the salaries paid to the “second-tier” players.

The “second-tier” players make a whole lot of money and few if any people follow them sufficiently to warrant the expenditure on them. The current situation is one that the owners have brought on themselves in large measure because they sign these “second-tier” players to contracts that will not ever “pay for themselves”.

Consider a just four examples; if pressed, I could find a dozen more with less than 30 minutes of searching. In all of the cases I cite here, the players are good – or in some cases very good. Nevertheless, they are not players who generate revenue for their teams nearly equal to what they are making. They are “money-sinks”.

Elton Brand (76ers): A fine player whose contract runs through the end of the 2012/13 season. From the beginning of the 10/11 season until the end of the contract, he will earn $51.1M.

Emeka Okafor (Hornets): A fine player whose contract runs through the end of the 2013/14 season. From the beginning of 10/11 until the end of the contract, he will earn $52M.

Michael Redd (Bucks): A fine player whose contract ends at the end of next season. Next year he will earn $18.3M.

Jermaine ONeal (Heat): A fine player whose contract ends at the end of this season. This year he earned $22.995M.

Fans buy tickets to see or tune in to watch Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, Shaq, Dwayne Wade and players of that caliber. I really doubt that anyone is attracted to an NBA event because of any of these “second-tier” players listed above. Those are the salaries that need to be brought under control if fiscal sanity is to return to the NBA. We saw the “dot-com bubble” and the “housing bubble”; we saw what happens when they burst. The NBA is not on the verge of collapse just yet, but they are on an unsustainable path…

Dwight Perry had this item in the Seattle Times recently regarding a likely future basketball star:

“Ye Li, the 6-foot-2 wife of 7-6 Rockets center Yao Ming, is expecting the couple’s first child this summer.

“Doctors predict the girl will be born July 22, 23 and 24.”

There is a rumor out there that Mike Tyson could return to the boxing ring one more time to fight - - - wait for it - - - Evander Holyfield. Let me put that putative fight into perspective here.

I would rather sit in a ringside seat at a pro-rassling pay-per-view extravaganza than sit in the comfort of my home and watch another Tyson/Holyfield “struggle”.

Who might be on the undercard for that fight? Joe Louis versus Jack Dempsey?

Finally, let me close with two items from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“The Honda Classic, ending Sunday in Palm Beach, began with a pro-am that included this foursome: Jack Nicklaus, Dan Marino, Super Bowl champ Drew Brees and Kenny G. Which indicates to me that Kenny G must have some compromising photos of the guy in charge of the pro-am pairings.”

“The 38th Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race has begun in Alaska. Never cared that much about it, but found myself liking it once I learned how much it annoys People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

John Daly got mad when a reporter did a story on Daly’s 456-page personal file held by the PGA. That file contained much of the disciplinary actions taken by the PGA with regard to his behaviors over the years. The reporter did not “steal” the records or get them from a “mole” within the PGA; the file was public record because it was evidence in a lawsuit that Daly filed against a different reporter several years ago. So, Daly is the one who made the file available. Nevertheless, Daly sent out a note to his “Twitter Twits” giving them the cell phone number of the dastardly reporter who published his shenanigans and told the “Twitter Twits” to flood the reporter with complaint calls. The Twits did just that. Three things jump out at me from that short description of what happened:

1. How the hell could the PGA put up with a member who had a 456-page disciplinary file? Isn’t golf supposedly the gentleman’s game where one has the honor to call penalties on oneself? Looks to me as if the PGA cannot call a penalty of any significance on a popular player. Question:

How many pages would be needed in an NFL player’s disciplinary file before he was suspended for a year or more and the basis for the suspension was widely known in the reign of Roger Goodell?

2. John Daly is an even bigger horse’s ass than I thought.

3. Most of the writers who have covered the PGA Tour for the past 15 years or so cherish their access to the golfers way too much to be considered “objective journalists”. Am I to believe that few if any of the behaviors that led to a 456-page disciplinary file manifested themselves to the PGA press corps? Why was there any “news content” in the current story other than the exact number of pages in that file?

In perusing reports from Spring Training, I try to avoid the ones that are formulaic such as a player reporting to camp 10 pounds lighter than last year or another player reporting to camp 15 pounds heavier than last year both with the expectation that the change in weight will make them better at the end of a long season. However, there were a couple of reports that caught my eye.

Kyle Farnsworth is an extremely fortunate man; he is in the Kansas City Royals’ training camp this year. Assuming that he makes the squad and travels north to Kansas City in April, this will be his twelfth major league season. How that can be true and why he is in camp again is what makes him an extremely fortunate man. A quick check of the record books will tell you that Farnsworth’s career major league record is 31-53 with 27 saves in 11 seasons. He is 33 years old, over his career, his ERA has been 4.47 and he gives up 8.7 hits per 9 innings. Farnsworth pitched for the Yankees for 2 seasons and had a losing record there; now the Royals are going to try to make him over into a starter – again – and somehow they think he will generate a winning record in Kansas City. Maybe Kyle Farnsworth is really Mandrake the Magician…

I have written in the past that I really enjoy watching Giants’ infielder, Pablo Sandoval, play baseball because he plays with enthusiasm and hustle. In one sense, he reminds me of Manny Sanguillen and Roberto Clemente in the sense that there is no pitch that he will automatically take - - other than the one that bounces 10 feet in front of home plate. According to reports from Giants’ training camp, this winter he played in the Venezuelan league with a hitting coach and worked on “pitch selectivity”. That would clearly be beneficial to Sandoval who is already a very good hitter despite chasing pitches well outside the strike zone. That is the good news for Giants’ fans…

Over the same winter, Pablo Sandoval went to a nutrition clinic and worked with a nutritionist to lose some weight. Sandoval comes by his nickname, Kung-Fu Panda, honestly. He came out of the clinic 10 pounds lighter and with a new dietary regime. Then he went to Venezuela and gained all of it back. So much for “learning and retaining new behaviors” at the dinner plate. That makes the question facing Giants’ fans rather simple; can Pablo Sandoval learn and retain new behaviors at home plate?

I read a report on MLB.com where Manny Ramirez said:

“I’m an employee here. I just do what they want me to do.”

Ah yes, Manny Ramirez trying to stake out the position as the loyal follower dedicated to betterment of the team as a whole… I wonder what the fans in Boston and the Red Sox management might think about that kind of image makeover in light of Manny’s famous knee injury that prevented him from playing regularly until the day after he was traded to LA.

Let me say from the beginning that I have never been enamored with Dusty Baker as a manager. Looking at the reports from the Reds’ training camp this season, it seems as if much of the positive feeling for the team centers on young pitching. The Reds have Johnny Cueto and Edinson Volquez on the squad - - with Volquez working his way back from surgery. Both are young and talented. In addition, the Reds signed Cuban phenom, Aroldis Chapman over the winter. However, the caution flag should be flying in the minds of Reds; fans because Dusty Baker had Kerry Woods and Mark Pryor in Chicago and both became “regulars on the DL” with arm trouble because they were used up early in their careers.

I noticed that Forbes Magazine named Cleveland as America’s most miserable city. From that fact, I draw the following conclusion:

The panelists who deliberated to confer this “award” have spent precious little time in Detroit, Fresno or Lubbock.

Finally, two comments from sports columnists on recent sports happenings:

“BYU guard Michael Lloyd was munching a candy bar on the sidelines when called into action, Saturday against New Mexico. He ended up having the game of his career, coming off the bench to notch 19 points on 8-of-9 shooting.
“No word on which candy bar he was eating, but here’s guessing it was a Skor.” [Brad Rock, Deseret Morning News]

“Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila have settled their dueling lawsuits out of court, which is a huge relief. You’d hate to see those kids tarnish their reputations.” [Scott Ostler, SF Chronicle]

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

I will probably post my next rant on Monday 8 March or Tuesday 9 March - - depending on things like jet lag and the amount of time it takes to get back into the rhythm of writing.

Please check back then.

Stay well, everyone…

One can be happy about the impending arrival of baseball even if one is throwing cold water on the prospects for the hometown nine in 2010. Gene Collier writes for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette; he holds no illusions about the Pirates crafting a miracle season in 2010; he threw a barrel cold water on that season in a column last week - - and living in or around Pittsburgh this February, it was not hard for him to find cold water. This is definitely not your standard “Hope Springs Eternal…” exposition.

Collier’s effort from 18 Feb deserves to be read in its entirety; it is a very good column and extremely well written. You will have to read it to find out what constitutes “Murmerer’s Row”.

Let me see, it is 23 February… If my calculations are correct, the Washington Nationals were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs sometime yesterday afternoon…

I make fun of the Nationals because it is so easy to do; they have not yet put a true major league team on the field in their tenure here in DC; this is a team that would not have been a prohibitive favorite to win the Minor League World Series last year. Having said that, the Nats are not the only team that begins their spring training drills with little if any hope of making the playoffs. Truth be told, most of these teams have little if any hope of finishing at .500 in 2010. Consider:

AL West: Given the moves made by the Mariners and the Rangers, it looks as if the Oakland A’s have first dibs on last place in this division. Remember “Moneyball” and how the A’s were so far ahead of the curve as compared to all the other teams in MLB in using advanced stats to assemble a roster? So which is it? Is “Moneyball” not all that effective as a strategy or is it that the A’s have no idea how to implement it effectively? The success of the A’s in their “Moneyball Hey-Day” was due in the largest part by a young pitching staff that was excellent. Harden, Haren, Hudson, Mulder and Zito could have won with a team assembled by anyone smarter than a blueberry bagel. Please note that none of those guys are anywhere near the 2010 A’s roster …

AL Central: Despite an early spasm of winning and some Herculean pitching performances by Zack Greinke, the KC Royals wilted last year. Moreover, they will wilt again this year. In the last 16 years, the Royals have been at .500 exactly one time.

AL East: People will focus on the “race” to see who wins this division. What they need to watch is the race to the bottom. Will the Orioles or the Blue Jays be “looking up at all of them” when October rolls around? When the Jays traded Roy Halladay, you had to think they were acclimatizing themselves for a visit to the bottom of the division standings. However, even an optimistic glance at the Orioles roster makes you winder how anyone in the AL East can possibly finish behind that squad. The Canadian Football League season usually begins in early July; I do not know if the Jays will be eliminated from contention that early so that Toronto sports fans can turn their attention to the Argonauts. However, the NFL does not start until the second week in September. The Orioles will have been out of the race for weeks by that time and fans can comfortably focus their attention on the Ravens by then…

NL West: San Diego is a wonderful part of the country; it is a great place to live. Having said that, the Padres are a miserable baseball team. The owner of the team was enmeshed in a “less than amicable” divorce proceeding and that forced him to sell the team to a guy who had been an agent for players in the past. There is a new GM in town but not any new impact players. I suspect the Padres are going to stink…

NL Central: Ah, the Pirates… For 17 consecutive seasons, the Pirates have finished below .500. Sometime this autumn, a kid in the Pittsburgh area will become eligible to vote and that kid will have been born since the last time the Pirates were a winner. As the Pirates trade away their players, the incumbent owners tell the fans they want to build via the farm system and that takes time. Lots of fans think “17 years” constitutes “time”… Oh, by the way, the Pirates signed a new closer for 2010. That would be Octavio “Heartbreak” Dotel. I just do not think he is the answer - - unless of course the question was:

Where can we find a relief pitcher who can masquerade as a closer and who will work cheap?

NL East: Ah, the Nationals… The product on the field at the end of 2009 stunk. Meanwhile, the Nats’ farm system was hardly ripe with Top Shelf prospects. I saw their A and AA farm teams last year and not a single player jumped out as a guy you wanted to get an autograph from because he was surely going to be a big leaguer in a couple of years. Attendance has cratered in Washington - - despite the hunger built up there in baseball fans by 35 years of absence - - and so the team had to find a way to make fans think they were going to be competitive in 2010. Enter a couple of relatively high priced players one of whose careers sure seems to be in the rear view mirror of life - - Pudge Rodriguez - - and a closer who had an ERA over 5.50 last season - - Matt Capps.

Commissioner Bud Selig said last Fall that he wanted to increase the “pace” of the game and he assembled a blue ribbon panel of baseball guys - - translation a meeting of “Geezers R Us” - - to provide recommendations to do just that. Well, I am a geezer too; and so, I have three ideas for the Commish:

1. Wave a batter to first base as soon as the defensive manager calls for an intentional walk.

2. Limit the number of “strolls to the mound” by a pitching coach or manager. On the third such visit of the game - - not an inning - - the pitcher on the mound must be removed. In addition, as soon as the pitching coach or manager emerges from the dugout for his stroll, have the umpire hit a stopwatch. If the current pitcher is not removed, the coach/manager has 45 seconds to get back across the foul line on his way back to the dugout or the batter due up starts his at-bat with a 2-0 count.

3. Forget about any more renditions of God Bless America in the seventh inning. They take time; most of them are poorly done. Unless MLB finds a way to reincarnate Kate Smith to do the number, put that rather young tradition out to pasture. It was fine to do this when baseball came back after 9/11; now…

Baseball is a sport that thrives on records and stats and history. Back in 1961, then Commissioner, Ford Frick, put an asterisk in the record books next to Roger Maris’ 61 home runs in a single season because he hit those 61 home runs in a 162-game season as opposed to Babe Ruth’s 60 home runs in a 154-game season. Given that history, here is another suggestion for Commissioner Selig:

Go to the record books and put a “dagger” next to the asterisk that Commish Frick had there. The asterisk footnote should acknowledge that Maris hit his 61 home runs in the “162-game era”. The dagger footnote should note that Maris hit his 61 home runs in the “steroid free era”.

Then put “double daggers” next to the numbers of any home run records involving play in the 1990s and until 2007 and make the note that there is reason to suspect that “chemical enhancement” was involved in any or all of these records.

Finally, let me close with two items from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times, which have exactly nothing to do with baseball:

“Steve Schrader of the Detroit Free Press, on trying to decide whether to watch the Winter Olympics or the Westminster Dog Show: “Best in Show or Best in Snow? Kiss and Cry Area or Scratch and Sniff Area?”

“Q: What do they call the baddest dude on the Winter Olympic ski slopes?
A: Whistler’s mutha.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

To the shock and horror of everyone at ESPN, the Dalai Lama had never heard of Tiger Woods until Friday when someone informed the Dalai Lama of Woods’ statements that he had strayed from the Buddhist precepts his mother had taught him. Tiger Woods also said that he recognized that returning to those precepts would help him deal with his infidelities and keep him on a more righteous path in the future. Those remarks, from a person the Dalai Lama had never heard of, somehow generated the need for the Dalai Lama to issue a statement.

I do not know how to speak Tibetan, but there must be a phrase in that language that carries the same sense that “stuff a sock in it” does in English. Come now… A religious leader - - who also doubles as a political head of state for an independent state that does not exist - - need not glom onto anything said by a philandering golfer as yet another way for said religious leader to get in the news.

Lest anyone think that is an expression of religious intolerance, it is not. I would apply the same standard to leaders of every religion in the world from the Pope to the Archbishop of Canterbury to every Imam in the Muslim world should any of them choose to weigh in on this non-issue. In addition, the same goes for Brit Hume of FOX News and his suggestion to Tiger Woods on Woods’ choice of religious beliefs. Enough already; there is no theological content here; move on.

Some folks thought my comment on Tiger Woods were overly blunt last week. Admittedly, I did not intend to make them sound like a diplomatic statement coming from the State Department. However, what I said pales in comparison with what Dan Jenkins said in Golf Digest last weekend. Jenkins had ignored this whole issue for three months but penned his thoughts after the apologia last week and took a shot at the people who have fawned over Tiger Woods all these years saying:

“For all of the Tiger idolaters out there, it must have been like finding out that ice cream sundaes give you gonorrhea.”

Jenkins’ column deserves to be read in its entirety. I will not pretend to be able to do it justice here in any summary fashion.

It seems as if Crystal Magnum is back for another 15 minutes of fame. In case you do not recognize that name, she had her first time in the spotlight four years ago when she accused three members of the Duke lacrosse team of raping her. Surely, you recall the swirl of events that resulted from that accusation. Last week, Crystal Magnum was charged with arson and attempted murder based on an allegation that she burned her boyfriend’s clothes in a bathtub and attacked him. Nancy Grace and her producers will probably be all over this case…

David Whitley on AOL Fanhouse had this comment about Ms. Magnum:

“Crystal Magnum, the woman who falsely accused three Duke lacrosse players of rape four years ago, is charged with attempted murder after allegedly assaulting her boyfriend and setting his clothes on fire. Rev. Jesse Jackson blames the Duke baseball team.”

[Aside: I never did see any apology from Rev Jackson for his actions and remarks in the Duke lacrosse case and a cursory Google search came up with none. Interesting…]

In my continuing quest to keep you up to date with happenings in the Winter Olympics - - without me having to spend hours upon hours in front of a TV set watching more of those events than I could stand - - I will take you on a trip round the country for comments by others:

First, Bob Molinaro of the Hampton Roads Virginian-Pilot had this to say:

“Wondering: Where do women hockey players go between Olympics, the federal witness protection program?”

Moving further south, Greg Cote of the Miami Herald had this note about the effect the NHL’s Olympic hiatus has had on the Florida Panthers:

“The reeling Panthers lost six consecutive games before the NHL went on hiatus for the Winter Olympics. Here’s how bad the Cats’ offense has been. While not playing any games the past week, the team’s goals-per-game average has risen slightly.”

Meanwhile in the great northwest, Dwight Perry accumulated several comments of this ilk in the Seattle Times:

“ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel, on the Winter Olympics: ‘Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They’re vacation activities. I feel like I’m watching someone’s home movies.’ “

“Headline in the Vancouver (B.C.) Sun: ‘It’s Johnny Weir — the d is silent.’ “

“Todd Dewey of the Las Vegas Review-Journal, after Tuesday’s ski schedule was dashed because of too much snow: ‘ What’s next, canceling beach volleyball because of too much sand?’ “

Finally, on a different topic of only marginal interest within the sports world, here is a comment from Greg Cote that wraps it all up in 16 words:

“I think America’s Cup sailing just happened in Spain. I’m pretty sure some rich guy won.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

[Aside: Reading that last sentence, I realize that I sound like a US Senator who has just asked for and received unanimous consent to modify and extend his remarks after his previously prepared speech. As you know, I hold the entire Congress of the United States in profound contempt; therefore, the similarity of my statement there to a US Senator makes me feel the need to go and take a shower. I will be back in a moment…]

OK, I am back - - and surprisingly, there is still some soap left in the shower…

The topic of the moment is the reemergence of Tiger Woods from his self-imposed exile/hibernation subsequent to his “one-car traffic incident” back around Thanksgiving time when his wife miraculously and benevolently came to his aid with golf club in hand to smash out the window in his SUV with the sole purpose of extricating him from that dangerous and threatening situation. Remember, that was the “official story” way back when…

After about three months of living in a cocoon, Tiger Woods will reemerge in front of TV cameras, radio microphones and “selected members of the media” - - translation tame scribes who are on a short leash with shock collars attached - - to address the public and tell us what happened.

First of all, let me say that each and every member of the press corps who attends this charade by invitation and holds to the dictum that no questions will be allowed needs immediately to turn in his “investigative journalism card”. Go to this event under those conditions and fawn over this man after his prepared and well rehearsed statement and you are nothing but a toady. If that term offends anyone, the one I had here before I “edited” it was “lickspittle”.

Let me begin by stating something that you will not find anywhere on the website of The Golf Channel:

The entirety of the adult life of Tiger Woods has been a lie - - and I do not mean that in the sense of where a golf ball comes to rest. This man is really a blatant pretense of a socialized being; he is not the person we have been led to believe that he is. He cares nothing for his family; he is not focused solely on the greatness of his golf game; he is a horndog.

I will pause for a moment here while everyone associated with the administration of the PGA Tour and The Golf Channel catches their breath and calls “911” to come and assist their associate in the next cubicle who has just lost consciousness…

I really do not care how much you might want to sugar coat the “Tiger Woods Reemergence Event”; the fact is that his image as a wholesome family man and totally focused competitor is a complete lie, fabrication, untruth, calumniation - - go to your thesaurus for more synonyms here.

In addition, having said all of that, let me add that it is HIS life and so be it. There is no cause for - - or need for - - any prodigious amounts of hand-wringing on the part of US society at large. This man is a golfer; he hits a small white ball into a hole in the grass for a living. Big f- - - ing deal!!!

He is not a “leader” of society; he is not a “pillar” of society. If he happened to drop dead next week from an aortic aneurysm, what would be the loss to humankind-at-large? Answer: Not a damned thing! In fact, if The Golf Channel managed to survive his imagined demise, they would be the only people whose lives would be impacted by his imagined demise more than 6 months from now…

Let me be clear. Tiger Woods committed no heinous crimes against society. Depending on your views of family and marriage and honoring one’s oaths, he may have committed heinous acts against a small circle of individual people, but Tiger Woods is not Josef Mengele.

Tiger Woods’ handlers and image-makers herded the media in the past the same way drovers herded cattle. When anyone “got out of line”, that person got a cattle prod. In the case of a drover, that was a literal event; in the case of Tiger Woods, a “journalist” who got off the reservation simply got cut off from any access to “His Tigerness”. Most golf journalists who had access would rather have taken a cattle prod to a sensitive body region…

Now, we are about to see a reemergence of “His Tigerness” orchestrated by the same handlers and waiting to be covered by the same tame writers who have been on the short leash for so long. Tiger Woods will stand before cameras and microphones and will mouth words that have been prepared and “focus-grouped” for him in advance by the same handlers that sold us the image of the “devoted family man” just three months ago. You can be certain that he will apologize for his actions to anyone and everyone. Please note there will be no polygraph leads attached to him so he can say whatever he wants with complete impunity. His media acolytes will assure everyone that he is sincere, that he has learned a terrible lesson, and that the future will show what a wonderful hominid he really is. [They will surely stop short of assuring us that Tiger Woods walks upright instead of on all fours but that is probably the limits of the lengths to which many will go to assure us that their hero/meal ticket is “only the best”.]

Controlling the audience is a typical behavioral mode for the folks who have handled Tiger Woods for the last 15 years. They can do that here because they can control access to this event. However, those people - - and Tiger Woods - - are deluding themselves if they think they can control the “tabloid wing” of the media. Lots of celebrities have tried; few if any have succeeded.

In the past, access to Tiger Woods meant that the writer/reporter had information to convey that was timely and important because it had a source. That access gave a cachet to the reporter and whatever he had to report at any instant in time. People hung on that kind of stuff. But the tabloids do not work that way.

Readers of the tabloids and the “gossip-gobblers” do not care if a reporter interviews the subject - - in this case Tiger Woods. All they give a fig about is “stuff”… If someone has some “stuff” that leads to the possible conclusion that aliens abducted Tiger Woods 15 years ago and gave him a rectal probe that lasted too long such that it afflicted him with an insatiable sexual appetite, there is a tabloid somewhere that will print it.

Tiger Woods’ handlers have been able to control a bunch of golf-writing lapdogs for the past decade. Good luck controlling the tabs and the paparazzi…

Before the fact of the Tiger Woods Reemergence Event, let me make a couple of things very clear:

1. He needs not to apologize to me or to you. He did not do anything to us that affected our lives in any meaningful way. If you think he owes you an apology, you are an entitlement freak.

2. His actions - - not any crafted statements or choreographed publicity events - - will determine whether or not his wife accepts his apologies.

3. His actions - - not any crafted statements or choreographed publicity events - - will determine to what degree his “bimbo troupe” accepts his apologies. Just a suspicion here, but “his actions” in this regard could well involve a lot of portraits of dead presidents migrating in the direction of the “bimbo troupe”…

If you have gotten the idea here that I think Tiger Woods’ handlers are antediluvian pond slime and all of them should be waterboarded just for the Hell of it, you are pretty much on target. Nevertheless, let me presume to offer some advice to Tiger Woods as a golfing icon:

Memo to Tiger Woods:

1. Once you show up back on the PGA Tour - - which is really the only venue on Earth where you are even marginally interesting as a “public figure” - - try to be a wee bit “nicer” to the plebeians who cover your actions. To some extent, the furor over your “one-car traffic accident” emanated from what many would call your “haughtiness” in dealing with the ink-stained wretches that cover you and who work on deadlines.

2. Either that, or do not screw up even … one … more … time…

Just so there is no ambiguity as to where I stand on this issue and because I want to make it clear that I have never been part of the “Tiger Woods Adulation Machine” nor will I ever be on speed dial for any of his handlers, here is what I think of Tiger Woods:

1. For the period 2002 – 2010, he is/was the best golfer on the planet.

2. The label of “best golfer on the planet” is no more significant than the label “best bisexual yodeler on the planet”.

3. As a father and as a family values person, Tiger Woods is a turd with hair.

Finally let me close with a comment from Scott Ostler in the SF Chronicle. This comment came a couple of months ago when Nike chairman, Phil Knight, tried to minimize the things that were coming to light regarding Tiger Woods’ activities. This comment puts into perspective “wrongdoings” by sports figures and “wrongdoings” by more important entities:

”Nike’s Phil Knight says Tiger’s misdeeds eventually will be seen as ‘a minor blip.’ I guess when you’ve been accused of massive exploitation in third-world countries, blind-side chop-blocking your wife and kids at the knees would seem like a minor blip.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

Back in the 90s, once the Internet came into existence, I ran across a comment attributed to Blackie Sherrod about the best of the next generation sportswriters. He named Sally Jenkins - - Dan Jenkins’ daughter demonstrating the power of genetics - - and Bernie Lincicome as his favorites of the next generation. I had never heard of Bernie Lincicome but was able to find him at the Chicago Tribune and started following him there and subsequently at the Rocky Mountain News about ten years ago. When The Rocky Mountain News folded, Bernie Lincicome started a blog; and as soon as I found it, I put it on my “Favorites List”.

However, the blogging stopped fairly quickly when this note went up on a sidebar of the blog labeled “Thought of the Day”:

“In the movie ‘Julie and Julia’ the character’s food blog did not become legitimate until a story about it appeared in a newspaper. It takes newspapers to authenticate anything, so if newspapers would just ignore blogs, there would be no more blogs, including this one.”

However, Bernie Linciome’s “Tweets” do show up on the blog and he has tweeted a Winter Olympics glossary. So that gave me an idea for today’s rant. I am just going to be lazy and let Bernie Lincicome and a few other sportswriters who have had snarky comments about the Winter Olympics games write 90% today’s rant for me. I will merely intersperse a brief comment here and there. Hey, I’m retired; I’m allowed to just mail it in once in a while…

So let me start with two entries from the Lincicome Glossary for the Winter Olympics:

“Nordic Combined: This is, of course, Minneapolis and St. Paul.”

“Biathlon: Ski awhile and shoot awhile, ski awhile and shoot awhile. From this, ski masks first became popular in liquor store holdups.”

Personal comment: Help me out here because I really do not get figure skating. In the pairs skating competition, the team that falls down the least number of times gets the gold medal, right?

Professor Lincicome has a different way of looking at figure skating:

“Figure Skating: The winner gets a gold medal and millions to tour in evening clothes while the silver medalist gets to be Daffy Duck.”

Personal comment: Thirty years ago, it was commonplace for people to call for “gender determinations” on putative female athletes from East Germany and/or Bulgaria. You may recall that there were some behemoths on those country teams. Today, I think that it is only political correctness that prevents people from demanding “gender testing” on male figure skaters. Just saying…

Back to Bernie Lincicome for four more glossary entries:

“Luge: Competitors are called sliders. A double slider is a Wendy’s with cheese. Skeleton is an X-ray of luge.”

“Bobsledding: If race cars had no wheels and no roof and no reason to be shoved down an icy chute, they would be bobsleds.”

“Snowboarding: The chief danger is enhaling secondary apre-ski smoke, which gives a whole new meaning to the term joint press conference.”

“Curling: A big stone is shoved around until the beer is cold.”

Personal comment: One of the reasons given for dropping softball in the Summer Olympics was that the contests were not very competitive - - and truth be told, they were not. However, if that rationale carried the day, how did the IOC keep women’s ice hockey on the menu? The only outcome more certain that some of those women’s ice hockey games is what will happen to Bluto as soon as Popeye The Sailor eats his spinach…

Here are some more glossary items from Professor Lincicome. Pay attention, these will be covered on the final exam…:

“Alpine Skiing: Where you arrive at the slopes in a BMW.”

“Nordic Skiing - - Where you arrive in a Volvo.”

“Freestyle Skiing - - Where you are dropped off by your mother.”

“Ski Jumping - - Where the law of gravity is applied equally to everyone but Finns.”

“Cross Country Skiing - - This is what a golf course is used for in the wintertime.”

Meanwhile Steve Rosenbloom had this comment in his blog on the Chicago Tribune website relative to the US men’s ice hockey victory over Switzerland:

“The Yanks were lucky; the Swiss guard the Vatican more diligently than their slot.”

Finally, I can slide home on this rant by citing two items from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times related to the Winter Games:

“One bobsled event features four men together sliding across ice,” noted Brad Dickson in the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. “In Omaha during winter, we call that a carpool.”

“TNT’s Ernie Johnson, on corpulent co-host Charles Barkley’s dream of running with the Olympic torch: ‘You wouldn’t have to worry about it going out.’ “

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…