The Sports Curmudgeon®

For the last nine days, I have been traveling with two of my high school classmates on our annual summer baseball trip. Most years, we go to see a game or two together; this year, we expanded the program to make a grand swing through New England and to meet up with two other classmates who live in the Boston area for a game at Fenway Park.

Our first stop was in Pawtucket, Rhode Island to see the PawSox play the Buffalo Bisons. These are AAA teams and we expected this game to be the best minor league game that we would see since the rest of the games would be AA. Such was not the case; the PawSox had no talent left on the squad; with all of the injuries to the Boston Red Sox, anyone who had been in Pawtucket with any promise or with any impressive statistics had already been summoned to the north. At one point, the scoreboard was flashing the International League leaders in various statistical categories and then focused on the leaders on the PawSox in those categories. It listed the top four batting averages for PawSox players who had 150 at bats or more. The fourth highest batting average on the scoreboard was .239. No one was over .290.

The PawSox starting pitcher was Fabio Castro – a small lefthander with a decent fastball and a good change-up. He had one bad inning, which cost him the game; but for the other seven innings, he looked as if he might be useful to the big league team. However, recall that left-handers and Fenway Park do not often co-exist very well…

The Buffalo Bisons are the Mets’ AAA club. Luke Duda is an outfielder who hit a monstrous home run on that night - - it probably went 450 - 475 feet - - but he also struck out twice looking bad each time. I would have to see him a few more times to decide if he is of any likely help to the Mets. The Bisons’ shortstop, Luis Hernandez, made two excellent plays in the field. However, if there is one thing that the Mets do not need it would be another slick fielding shortstop.

The stadium in Pawtucket is old but it still in top condition. The foul areas off first and third base are huge; I doubt there is any other park in the country with such large foul areas. One batter hit a foul popup just behind first base that would have been 20 rows into the seats in any other park; it was an easy put out here in Pawtucket; the first baseman still had a half dozen steps before he reached the rail. Despite the fact that we spent only one day and evening in Pawtucket, I would have to say it seems to be a dreary place with not a lot to do. If I lived there, I would probably buy season tix to the PawSox to assure that I would have “stuff to do”.

The next stop was in Boston where we met up with our two other classmates - - both of whom are huge sports fans in general and baseball fans very specifically. One of them had access to what she called “prime season tickets” and she secured tickets for the Tuesday night game against the LA Angels by asking for them back in March. Let me explain what she meant by “prime tickets”:

We were in the front row - - the real front row and not where they sat Bob Uecker in the famous Miller Lite commercials of yore - - in the field box just to the first base side of the net that protects folks sitting behind home plate.

In the section next to us, one gentleman was wearing a Boston Red Sox World Championship ring. That section is also where owner John Henry sits when he attends games.

One of us got a ball tossed at us by Mike Lowell. Another one of us almost fell over the wall and onto the field reaching for a ball that was rolling by the wall there.

All of that stuff describes the seats only. Here is a sense of how exciting the game was from sitting in those seats. One of the attendees - - who shall not be identified here for safety reasons - - is a diehard Yankees’ fan. The Red Sox won this game; and yet, he too had a great time. That is how enjoyable the evening was…

Our cultural events in Boston included a visit to the Boston Science Museum for an afternoon and to the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library for the better part of a day. The Boston Science Museum is excellent; it is on a par with the Field Museum in Chicago and the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan. If you are of “a certain age” and remember where you were when you heard that President Kennedy had been shot, you will probably enjoy a visit to the library. We had a great time there - - even though getting a cab to take us back from the library to the center of the city was only slightly more complicated than the logistics for the D-Day invasion.

The next stop was Portland Maine to see the Portland Sea Dogs take on the Atloona Curve. This was a game that started at noon on a bright sunny day without a cloud in the sky. The temperature was in the high 70s and there was a slight breeze. When the radio guy in Portland said - - as he surely did - - that this was a perfect day for baseball, he was not exaggerating. The game was a slugfest. Altoona led 6-0 after two innings; Portland rallied to take a 9-6 lead with a grand slam followed by another home run in the eighth inning; Altoona rallied for two in the top of the ninth but fell short by a score of 9-8.

The most noticeable things about the Portland stadium and the relationship of the town to the team were the sponsorships.

The left field foul pole was labeled as the “Bingas Fowl Pole”. Based on a chat with one of the locals, Bingas sells chicken wings.

The third to fifth batters in the Portland line-up - - the meat of the order - - is sponsored by a local meat company.

The clean-up hitter is sponsored by ServiceMaster.

The Sea Dogs’ first hit was sponsored by someone that I forgot to write down.

The ninth batter in the Sea Dogs’ line-up was sponsored by a local pizza joint.

Before the game started, there was a Sea Dogs’ player at a table in the concourse signing autographs for anyone in the stadium. One of my traveling companions is a compulsive autograph obtainer and so he took a piece of paper and got a signature - - in case this player blossomed into a future Hall of Fame player. Then we looked at the stats; the player was hitting .164 for the season in AA ball. Just to clarify, that is not a good thing. Given that he was only hitting .164, we considered it a victory that he was able to have his pen make contact with Frank’s piece of paper to produce the autograph…

From what we saw of Portland Maine in our day-and-a-half there, I would say that there really is not much of a reason to go there other than to see a minor league game. Our cultural event was a trip to the Maine Historical Society Museum and the Henry Wadsworth Longfellow house. Not to be too flip about it, but nothing much of any historical significance happened in the Portland Maine area. The Maine Historical Society Museum was about as interesting as watching re-runs of the old ESPN program Cold Pizza. The Henry Wadsworth Longfellow house - - this is where he was born and grew up not where he lived as an adult and wrote his poetry - - is your typical period house with old artifacts and a docent with a canned presentation. Neither place was offensive in any way; at the same time, neither would be worth a revisit even if we were on the same street as the museum with a parking place open out in front.

The downtown area of Portland would politely be described as seedy. There is an obvious effort at gentrification going on there, but there is a long way to go to make it approach the level of “attractive”.

The next stop was Manchester, NH to see the New Hampshire Fisher Cats play the New Britain Rock Cats. Without question, the Fisher Cats’ stadium - - MerchantsAuto.com Stadium - - was the best minor league facility that we saw on this trip and possibly on all of our baseball trips in the past years. It is easy to get in and out of the stadium; the lighting is excellent; there is not a bad seat in the house; the concourse area is spacious. Since the Fisher Cats are affiliated with the Toronto Blue Jays, it is highly appropriate that there is a Hilton Hotel looking over the left field wall with large viewing areas in the hotel for folks to see the game just as there is in Toronto.

As with every other minor league game in the country, the Fisher Cats do all kinds of silly stuff between innings. They have a young woman dressed up as a fairy with wings on her costume; she carries a large toothbrush and so she is the tooth fairy representing someone in the dental health “industry”. She uses the toothbrush to clean the bases between some of the innings. The Knights of Columbus provided the color guard on the evening we were at the game. These senior gentlemen were in full regalia but had obviously not practiced marching in step for about 5 decades. There were five of them; no two were in step; nonetheless, they got a hand from the crowd.

The Fisher Cats look like a very good AA level team. They hit well and the pitcher that evening, Randy Boone - - described to us by one of the locals as the #3 starter on the team - - pitched a dominating two hit game for the full nine innings. He gave up a triple and a single in the first inning and then shut down the Rock Cats from then on. Meanwhile the Fisher Cats’ centerfielder, Darrin Mastrioianni, made several excellent defensive plays in the outfield and hit well and stole a base. He looks like someone who will be promoted to the next level next season and may play in the major leagues some day.

The New Britain Rock Cats’ third baseman that evening was a player listed at 5’3” tall and 145 lbs. At the beginning of the game he was hitting .201 with 0 HRs and 12 RBIs for the season. I checked his stats of this morning and he is now hitting .193 in 81 games this season. At age 25, the likelihood that he will have another growth spurt is minimal. You have to assume that he continues to play minor league baseball because he loves the game and not because he aspires to a major league career.

The Fisher Cats have one of the most useless mascots ever. He/She/It is “Fungo the Fisher Cat”. Mascots are annoying creatures at their very best; this one is inert, lethargic, torpid, lackadaisical, apathetic - - and annoying - - all at the same time. If someone were to take a fungo bat upside the head of this lump, no jury composed of Fisher Cats season ticket holders would convict the assailant.

The next stop was Cooperstown, NY for two days at the National Baseball Hall of Fame. If you have not been to Cooperstown and you have even a passing interest in baseball, you need to put this on your “bucket list”. Of the three major sports in the US, the baseball Hall of Fame is far and away the best museum. This was my third visit to the baseball Hall of Fame – the last one was about 24 years ago – and the new exhibits are definitely worth a look.

For those who have not been there, Cooperstown is “out of the way”. There is no Interstate that runs next to the town where you get off at some exit, drive 3 miles and you are at the city limits. It is a small, isolated, quiet burg; as one of the local bars advertises on the T-shirts its’ servers wear:

“Cooperstown: A drinking town with a baseball problem.”

We ate dinner at a restaurant that had been recommended to us that is basically across the street from the Hall of Fame. The food was very good. The service was the worst I have encountered in my life - - and I have been in 48 of the 50 states and 41 different countries. I shall be sending a letter describing the “issues” in detail to the Maitre d’Hotel there later today…

The final stop was disappointing. We went to Saratoga for a “day at the races”. We left early because the weather was dreadful and trainers were scratching horses left and right. The first race had 14 entries; only 6 ran in the race. The second race had 12 entries; only 5 ran in the race and two of them were coupled as an entry. The $2 Quinella for Race 2 paid $2.10. The third race had 14 entries; only four went to the post. You get the idea… We left having won the grand sum total of $1.20.

But that is not why the stop at Saratoga was disappointing. The last time I was at Saratoga was in the early 1990s. I have always said that Saratoga and Delmar (in California) are my two favorite tracks in the country. Saratoga always exuded class and stature; the facilities were always kept in A-1 condition; there was a charm to the place. Horseracing has gone through a decline in the past decade or so and the New York Racing Association has had serious financial problems for a while now. There was even some doubt that the Saratoga meet would be held this summer due to the NYRA financial situation. Nonetheless, Saratoga today is nothing like the Saratoga of 20 years ago. The place needs a new coat of paint pretty badly; even if a paint job is too expensive, the place could use a good cleaning and power washing. The TV sets that show the races in the grandstand area and that show the simulcast races from other tracks are at least 5 years out of date - - and maybe 10 years out of date in terms of size and definition. Let me channel Thomas Wolfe here:

“You can’t go home again.”

And by that I do not mean that your parents moved and did not leave you a forwarding address!

Despite the disappointment of the final stop, this was a wonderful Baseball Odyssey meeting up with old friends and enjoying several cultural events along the way. Naturally, the discussion turned to what kinds of plans we might make for next year. No final decision has been made, but I can give you a hint.

My assignment once the 2011 MLB schedule is announced is to see if there is a day during the season when the Cubs and White Sox play on the same day…

Finally, let me close with a comment from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald regarding Halls of Fame:

“The College Football Hall of Fame inducted 22 more new members, including former Cane Gino Torretta. Not real exclusive. Evidently, all you need to do to get inducted is drive past a college football stadium.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

Comments(3)

I do not intend this to be soccer bashing; if that is all you want to read about soccer, you will probably be disappointed.

I am not - - nor do I aspire to be - - one of the “soccer poets” who is certain that someday soon the American sporting public will come around to the thinking of the rest of the world and embrace soccer at the expense of other US sports. If that is all you want to read about soccer, you will be disappointed.

I am going to try to be analytical here about the game and the US place in that game in a world perspective knowing full well that I will invite the wrath of soccer-lovers and soccer-haters. C’est la guerre.

The United States was the most populous nation represented in the past World Cup tournament. Therefore, one would think that with the largest pool of potential talent to select from, it should have been one of the powerhouse teams in the tournament. It was not. Yes, the US did win their group. In addition, yes, the US was the only group winner to leave the tournament in the “Round of Sixteen”.

After watching about a half dozen games in the first tranche of group play, it was clear to me that the US was not going to win the World Cup any more than Japan or Ghana were going to win the World Cup. They proved themselves good enough to make it to this tournament but they are not/were not an elite squad. That is the view without putting on rose-colored glasses or from the vantage point that soccer has so little scoring that all it takes is one lucky break to win any game any time…

Following the exit of the US team, there were reports that the head of the US Soccer Federation - - a man named Sunil Gulati whom I could not pick out of a lineup with the Dixie Chicks - - said that he would take some time to ponder the future of Bob Bradley as the coach of the US National Team. That is probably one of Mr. Gulati’s prerogatives based on his office. It also conveniently deflects from him and his organization the scrutiny as to why with the largest pool of talent to choose from the US team sent to South Africa was talent-deficient.

After the loss to Ghana that sent the US team home, Gulati held a lengthy news conference and buried in the midst of it was this comment:

“The missed opportunity [not being able to play another game or two] is partly a chance to get to the quarters and the matchup with Uruguay, but it’s also a missed opportunity to stay in the American public’s eyes for another four, five, six days, maybe 10 days, when interest is at an all-time high.”

Let us analyze that for what it is. He puts the burden of keeping soccer in the public’s eyes on the US National Team in an event that happens once every four years. Excuse me, but if that is not one of the prime objectives of the US Soccer Federation, then what the Hell does that organization do for a living between now and 2014 in Brazil? I had never heard or read the name Sunil Gulati until reports on that news conference; I cannot recall the last time I read something about a creative initiative on the part of the US Soccer Federation to do anything other than to maintain its existence and its hegemony over US soccer. If anyone wants to hand out rotten tomatoes to a group of folks who do not keep soccer in the public’s eyes and who miss opportunities to do so, allow me to suggest that the biggest bushel basket of rotten tomatoes ought to go to Sunil Gulati’s office - - wherever the Hell that is.

In that same news conference, Mr. Gulati seemed for a moment to happen upon a significant challenge for US soccer when he said:

“The expectations have to be realistic. The players that are representing the U.S. are not players at Arsenal and Inter [Milan] and Real Madrid and Barcelona and Chelsea and Manchester United and so on. The players we were playing against in some of these situations are.”

Ah yes, there is the crux of the problem as to why the US made the World Cup tournament, struggled to make it to the knockout round and then made its early exit. The “missed opportunity” Mr. Gulati referenced is part and parcel of the problem that the United States does not develop great soccer players from its large and diverse gene pool. Now, ask yourself this question:

Who has the responsibility to develop soccer players in the US?

If you answered, “The coach of the US National Team”, you probably do not have sufficient brainpower to master the mathematical concepts needed to run a soccer scoreboard. Player development and the promotion/maintenance of the development programs is the purview of the … US … Soccer … Federation.

From these comments, I fear that Mr. Gulati is living in a delusion. He recognizes that the longer the US stays in the World Cup tournament the more positive exposure the team and the sport gets in the eyes of the US sporting public. He also recognizes that the US National Team is not on a par - - talent-wise - - with other squads. What he does not do is to connect those dots and see that the problem with all this lies within the organization that he directs.

Mr. Gulati. Mr. Sunil Gulati. Please pick up the white courtesy clue phone to receive one. Mr. Gulati…

Here are some of the problems that the US Soccer Federation faces. The problem with the listing I am about to present is that these are the same problems that the US Soccer Federation has faced for the last 50 years and so far there has been only marginal change in status. Translation: The US Soccer Federation has been a feckless body for multiple decades…

1. Name a single population center in the US where the following situation obtains:

The high school football and basketball coaches have to prowl the sidelines of soccer pitches all over their districts to beg the best athletes to play football or basketball in addition to soccer.

The answer is that this happens nowhere…

2. Youth soccer – the activity that soccer poets always point to as evidence of the growth of interest in the sport and the basis for future US dominance on the world stage – has been co-opted by yuppie-like parents who have turned it into a feelgood exercise where everyone gets a trophy and there are no winners and losers. That is not how Lionel Messi, Kaka, Wayne Rooney and Miroslav Klose “came up” in the game.

3. Many of the prominent soccer teams (clubs to use the world parlance) have their own soccer academies for youth as young as 8 years old where kids go to learn skills first and then to play games. These soccer academies also provide academic tutors in many circumstances. But the main difference between the world and the US is that in other countries, the kids are learning soccer skills from top teachers of those skills while US kids are running around playing soccer games that are “organized” only in the sense that chronological adults have scheduled the games and gotten the players to and from the venue at the appointed hour.

4. At precisely the age when the best foreign players show that they are good enough to play at the professional club level, many of the best US soccer players head off to college. Believe me, I am a full-blown advocate of higher education; I have no quarrel with kids getting real educations to set them up for the rest of their lives. However, from the perspective of putting top teams on the world stage, four years of college soccer in the US are nowhere near as developmentally positive as playing on a club level professional team. Nevertheless, that is the “career arc” for many of the players who came up through the US youth soccer system.

I do not pretend to have sufficient insight to state with confidence that these are the only problems for the US Soccer Federation to solve should they truly care about making the US a world power in soccer - - as opposed to raising money to pay their own salaries first and then letting the chips fall where they may every four years. However, I think the US National Team is apt to “miss another opportunity” in Brazil in 2014 and in wherever in 2018 and 2022 if the US Soccer Federation does not change a few fundamental ways that it goes about its business.

We are at the point in a four-year cycle where the soccer poets point to survey data and predict an explosion of soccer interest in the US. This is the time when those folks will say - - correctly - - that more kids in the US under the age of 12 play soccer than play baseball. Those data have been reported for at least the last decade; I have little doubt that the data are correct. The problem is twofold:

1. Huge increases in youth participation have yet to link in any direct way to huge increases in soccer interest in the country in terms of game attendance or television ratings. Yes, I do know about the FOX Soccer Channel; I watch it on my cable system. Its ratings are about what the ratings are for Versus; its ratings are not nearly as good as The Food Channel.

2. The vast majority of those kids playing youth soccer are not being taught skills by accomplished teachers of soccer skills. They are being bused about to play games instead. When the cream of that crop gets to the world stage, they will be talent-deficient not because of some genetic flaws but because their developmental time has favored game playing over skill teaching.

The US Soccer Federation and Sunil Gulati can fire Bob Bradley or retain him. It is their prerogative and I have no quarrel with that. The problem is that that if they fire him - - or even if they retain him - - they will announce that this is a key element in their long-range plan to move the US forward in the rankings of world soccer.

That is what they will assert.

What it will really be is irrelevant.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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In all of the rants I have done here, I do not think I have ever done this before. I must inform you that I am writing this late at night on the day before the date that you see at the top of this rant. I want to make that clear because I am going to talk about the “Tiger Woods Coming Out Party” scheduled for tomorrow morning and I want to be sure that everyone knows that this is written before the fact and not after the fact. If I need to change or modify any of my statements here after the fact, I will be back on Monday to do so.

[Aside: Reading that last sentence, I realize that I sound like a US Senator who has just asked for and received unanimous consent to modify and extend his remarks after his previously prepared speech. As you know, I hold the entire Congress of the United States in profound contempt; therefore, the similarity of my statement there to a US Senator makes me feel the need to go and take a shower. I will be back in a moment…]

OK, I am back - - and surprisingly, there is still some soap left in the shower…

The topic of the moment is the reemergence of Tiger Woods from his self-imposed exile/hibernation subsequent to his “one-car traffic incident” back around Thanksgiving time when his wife miraculously and benevolently came to his aid with golf club in hand to smash out the window in his SUV with the sole purpose of extricating him from that dangerous and threatening situation. Remember, that was the “official story” way back when…

After about three months of living in a cocoon, Tiger Woods will reemerge in front of TV cameras, radio microphones and “selected members of the media” - - translation tame scribes who are on a short leash with shock collars attached - - to address the public and tell us what happened.

First of all, let me say that each and every member of the press corps who attends this charade by invitation and holds to the dictum that no questions will be allowed needs immediately to turn in his “investigative journalism card”. Go to this event under those conditions and fawn over this man after his prepared and well rehearsed statement and you are nothing but a toady. If that term offends anyone, the one I had here before I “edited” it was “lickspittle”.

Let me begin by stating something that you will not find anywhere on the website of The Golf Channel:

The entirety of the adult life of Tiger Woods has been a lie - - and I do not mean that in the sense of where a golf ball comes to rest. This man is really a blatant pretense of a socialized being; he is not the person we have been led to believe that he is. He cares nothing for his family; he is not focused solely on the greatness of his golf game; he is a horndog.

I will pause for a moment here while everyone associated with the administration of the PGA Tour and The Golf Channel catches their breath and calls “911” to come and assist their associate in the next cubicle who has just lost consciousness…

I really do not care how much you might want to sugar coat the “Tiger Woods Reemergence Event”; the fact is that his image as a wholesome family man and totally focused competitor is a complete lie, fabrication, untruth, calumniation - - go to your thesaurus for more synonyms here.

In addition, having said all of that, let me add that it is HIS life and so be it. There is no cause for - - or need for - - any prodigious amounts of hand-wringing on the part of US society at large. This man is a golfer; he hits a small white ball into a hole in the grass for a living. Big f- - - ing deal!!!

He is not a “leader” of society; he is not a “pillar” of society. If he happened to drop dead next week from an aortic aneurysm, what would be the loss to humankind-at-large? Answer: Not a damned thing! In fact, if The Golf Channel managed to survive his imagined demise, they would be the only people whose lives would be impacted by his imagined demise more than 6 months from now…

Let me be clear. Tiger Woods committed no heinous crimes against society. Depending on your views of family and marriage and honoring one’s oaths, he may have committed heinous acts against a small circle of individual people, but Tiger Woods is not Josef Mengele.

Tiger Woods’ handlers and image-makers herded the media in the past the same way drovers herded cattle. When anyone “got out of line”, that person got a cattle prod. In the case of a drover, that was a literal event; in the case of Tiger Woods, a “journalist” who got off the reservation simply got cut off from any access to “His Tigerness”. Most golf journalists who had access would rather have taken a cattle prod to a sensitive body region…

Now, we are about to see a reemergence of “His Tigerness” orchestrated by the same handlers and waiting to be covered by the same tame writers who have been on the short leash for so long. Tiger Woods will stand before cameras and microphones and will mouth words that have been prepared and “focus-grouped” for him in advance by the same handlers that sold us the image of the “devoted family man” just three months ago. You can be certain that he will apologize for his actions to anyone and everyone. Please note there will be no polygraph leads attached to him so he can say whatever he wants with complete impunity. His media acolytes will assure everyone that he is sincere, that he has learned a terrible lesson, and that the future will show what a wonderful hominid he really is. [They will surely stop short of assuring us that Tiger Woods walks upright instead of on all fours but that is probably the limits of the lengths to which many will go to assure us that their hero/meal ticket is “only the best”.]

Controlling the audience is a typical behavioral mode for the folks who have handled Tiger Woods for the last 15 years. They can do that here because they can control access to this event. However, those people - - and Tiger Woods - - are deluding themselves if they think they can control the “tabloid wing” of the media. Lots of celebrities have tried; few if any have succeeded.

In the past, access to Tiger Woods meant that the writer/reporter had information to convey that was timely and important because it had a source. That access gave a cachet to the reporter and whatever he had to report at any instant in time. People hung on that kind of stuff. But the tabloids do not work that way.

Readers of the tabloids and the “gossip-gobblers” do not care if a reporter interviews the subject - - in this case Tiger Woods. All they give a fig about is “stuff”… If someone has some “stuff” that leads to the possible conclusion that aliens abducted Tiger Woods 15 years ago and gave him a rectal probe that lasted too long such that it afflicted him with an insatiable sexual appetite, there is a tabloid somewhere that will print it.

Tiger Woods’ handlers have been able to control a bunch of golf-writing lapdogs for the past decade. Good luck controlling the tabs and the paparazzi…

Before the fact of the Tiger Woods Reemergence Event, let me make a couple of things very clear:

1. He needs not to apologize to me or to you. He did not do anything to us that affected our lives in any meaningful way. If you think he owes you an apology, you are an entitlement freak.

2. His actions - - not any crafted statements or choreographed publicity events - - will determine whether or not his wife accepts his apologies.

3. His actions - - not any crafted statements or choreographed publicity events - - will determine to what degree his “bimbo troupe” accepts his apologies. Just a suspicion here, but “his actions” in this regard could well involve a lot of portraits of dead presidents migrating in the direction of the “bimbo troupe”…

If you have gotten the idea here that I think Tiger Woods’ handlers are antediluvian pond slime and all of them should be waterboarded just for the Hell of it, you are pretty much on target. Nevertheless, let me presume to offer some advice to Tiger Woods as a golfing icon:

Memo to Tiger Woods:

1. Once you show up back on the PGA Tour - - which is really the only venue on Earth where you are even marginally interesting as a “public figure” - - try to be a wee bit “nicer” to the plebeians who cover your actions. To some extent, the furor over your “one-car traffic accident” emanated from what many would call your “haughtiness” in dealing with the ink-stained wretches that cover you and who work on deadlines.

2. Either that, or do not screw up even … one … more … time…

Just so there is no ambiguity as to where I stand on this issue and because I want to make it clear that I have never been part of the “Tiger Woods Adulation Machine” nor will I ever be on speed dial for any of his handlers, here is what I think of Tiger Woods:

1. For the period 2002 – 2010, he is/was the best golfer on the planet.

2. The label of “best golfer on the planet” is no more significant than the label “best bisexual yodeler on the planet”.

3. As a father and as a family values person, Tiger Woods is a turd with hair.

Finally let me close with a comment from Scott Ostler in the SF Chronicle. This comment came a couple of months ago when Nike chairman, Phil Knight, tried to minimize the things that were coming to light regarding Tiger Woods’ activities. This comment puts into perspective “wrongdoings” by sports figures and “wrongdoings” by more important entities:

”Nike’s Phil Knight says Tiger’s misdeeds eventually will be seen as ‘a minor blip.’ I guess when you’ve been accused of massive exploitation in third-world countries, blind-side chop-blocking your wife and kids at the knees would seem like a minor blip.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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With the NFL Playoffs about to begin, that means the Super Bowl is only a month away - - and that means new advertising campaigns for lots of companies that will buy time on the pre-game programming and during the game. Those new campaigns cannot come soon enough for me because there are some mighty annoying ads on TV these days - - I have been keeping a list. You know, it really is amazing how the TV folks have found a way to sneak a football game in amongst all of those commercials.

For years, Miller beer used the same Holiday Season ad. It showed a one-horse open sleigh making its way down a lane to a house with lights on it. The problem is that the camera was placed in the driver’s seat of the sleigh so all you did was to stare at a horse’s ass for the duration of the ad; it made me certain that veterinary proctology was not my calling in life. Finally, they put that one out to pasture so to speak - - and they replaced it with something even more annoying. We now have to watch a bunch of smiling goofs clinking Miller Lite glasses thereby creating the tune Let It Snow! After the third time I saw it, I wished every one of the folks clinking those damned glasses would die of cirrhosis of the liver.

How about the goofball who goes into the Taco Bell and will not place his order with the attractive young woman at the counter but would rather place it with another attractive young woman who is working in the back. He thinks he is getting a special deal on an 89-cent burrito guaranteed to give him gas for at least 6 hours. What a jamoke! Oh, by the way, have you ever gone into a fast-food joint and found two women working there who looked as attractive as the two in that ad? I can tell you that where I live most of the women working in fast-food emporia look like the losers in an axe fight.

Taco Bell is a serial annoyer this time around. A couple of months ago, they were touting the “Black Taco” and they asked why you would pay more than 89 cents for that concoction.

Memo to Taco Bell: Here are two reasons why…

1. I really do not want to have to “make a run for the border” if you get my drift.

2. Maybe I would want to buy something that was actually - - you know - - edible.

The same company that owns Taco Bell also owns KFC; so, you should not be totally surprised to see some KFC stuff on my list. At one point, KFC was trying to say that 60 million people ate their new “grilled chicken”. How could they possibly know that? Well, one way might be that they had sold 60 million portions of that stuff and they figured no one would be stupid enough to order it twice. Ergo…

The entire message for the “grilled chicken” part of the KFC menu is that it is “healthy”. Compared to chicken cooked in a pressure cooker full of oil, it is not all that hard to come up with a “healthy alternative” - - but that is not the point here. In the midst of getting folks to consider the “unfried side” of KFC, the company also launched a test marketing of something they called the “Double Down”. The “Double Down” is a sandwich without the bread; the two outside layers are KFC Original Recipe breast filets and the center of the sandwich is two kinds of cheese, bacon and “The Colonel’s Special Sauce”. Let me say unequivocally that I do not want to know what is in “The Colonel’s Special Sauce” for the simple reason that he has been dead for nigh onto three decades here.

The “Double Down” has a caloric content of 1700 calories and it also comes as a “combo meal” with potato wedges and a soda, which would bring that calorie count well over 2000. I got to listen to pitches for that bad boy juxtaposed with calls to come in and try the new “healthy” stuff on the socially conscious KFC menu. Yeah, right…!

Dr. Pepper continues to advise me to drink it slow. Well, I think I am in compliance with their wishes because the last time I had even a sip of that swill was in the mid-1980s. Is that slow enough?

I love those General Motors ads that tell me to compare cars and may the best car win. Sounds great except… Back in the 1970s, GM had a market share right around 50%; today, it has a market share closer to 20% than 10%. What that means is that the buying public has been comparing cars for the past 35 years, and the best cars won. GM didn’t make them…

GMC trucks supposedly are “built to exceed the highest standards”. How is that possible?

You have to have seen the ad where the GMC truck goes to a mudhole and pulls a Toyota and a Dodge truck out of the muck and mire. Looks great until you watch closely and see that the chains used to do the towing go limp during the “great pull out”. How can you tow something with a limp chain unless those other trucks are moving on their own?

One of the latest ads for Viagra is particularly annoying. You know the one I mean; it is the one where the guy is walking down the street to go and see his doctor and he carries on a running conversation with his reflection in store window-fronts along the way. His reflection wants him to talk to the doctor about “their” erectile dysfunction problem. Might I suggest that the guy needs to have a discussion with his doctor about his raging delusions and his conversations with imaginary friends far more than he needs to have a conversation with his doctor about his dysfunctional Johnson?

There are Blackberry ads out there with The Beatles song, All You Need Is Love going in the background while the screen is filled with images that have exactly nothing whatsoever to do with phones/web enabled devices/techno-geek items. That ad has no meaning at all but I have to admit that it is a lot better than seeing a Cialis ad with The Beatles singing A Hard Day’s Night in the background as a couple holds hands in those twin bathtubs in the woods somewhere. Even worse, would be The Beatles song, Why Don’t We Do It In The Road as background music for an erectile dysfunction product.

One of the jewelry stores tells us that you need to keep your heart open so that love can find its way in. Some woman designed jewelry to that “theme” because of something her mother told her sometime in the past. Great. Hey, Mom; if you keep your heart open, the blood will flow out - - and then you will die. Deal with it.

Speaking of jewelry reminds me of the really annoying - - and insulting - - ads for those companies that want you to send your unwanted gold to them. If I had a bunch of gold lying around and really needed money, what would make me want to put it all in an envelope and mail it to people I do not know with the confidence that they will give me a fair reading of the weight of the gold and a fair price for the gold?

Oh, here is a Quick Quiz:

Which “Jared” is more annoying?

A. Jared the “former fatty” who still does Subway ads.

B. Jared the Galleria of Jewelry.

Remember gagging your self with a spoon is not an option here…

When one watches one of those “Hi, I’m a Mac. And I’m a PC” ads, you might actually get the idea that Mac has more of a market share in the personal computer business than 15%. It does not.

Those Southwest Airlines guys who love your bags and see them along their way - - sometimes on the same airplane that you are on - - are scary. One of them says, “Bags are my life.” Do you really want to fly on an airline that will not only hire but will also brag about the fact that they have hired and retained clinically insane folks? Imagine if the pilot on your flight felt that “Trees are my life.”

The last ad that is annoying to the max is not a TV ad; it is an Internet ad - - one of those things that show up on the sidebar of a website that you may be visiting. It is for some kind of colon cleanser - - something I tend not to think about very frequently when I am at my keyboard. The ad boasts in large type that this particular product was the “#1 Colon Cleanser in 2009”. Maybe it’s just me, but given what a colon cleanser is supposed to do, wouldn’t I want to have the brand that was #2? Just asking…

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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We have turned the calendar page twelve times and 2009 is about to disappear into the rearview mirror. Sadly, some folks will not be joining us on the journey into the next year/decade. Here are a few we might want to remember.

January:

Senator Claiborn Pell issued his last grant.

Joe Hirsch, Daily Racing Form columnist, cashed his final exacta.

Ricardo Montalban drove his Chrysler Cordoba – with its “fine Corinthian leather” seats – into the sunset.

Andrew Wyeth dipped his final brush.

February:

Millard Fuller, founder of Habitat for Humanity, drove his final nail.

James Whitmore took his final direction.

Dewey Martin will be visiting neither Buffalo nor Springfield again.

Brad Van Pelt made his final tackle.

Paul Harvey told the final chapter of “The Rest Of The Story”.

March:

George McAfee toted the ball for the final time.

Natasha Richardson started taking skiing lessons in the sky.

George Kell played his final game of pepper.

Irving R. Levine signed off for the last time.

Lou Saban held his final practice session.

April:

Marvin “The Human Eraser” Webster had his life erased.

Harry Kalas’ microphone went silent.

Marilyn Chambers went “behind the green door” one last time.

“Doc” Blanchard took his final handoff.

May:

Jack Kemp called his last audible and ran his final political campaign.

Dom DeLuise had one last bowl of pasta.

Dom DiMaggio took a called strike three. [Bad month for people named “Dom”.]

Danny Ozark uttered his final malapropism.

Bea Arthur deadpanned her last line.

June:

David Carradine began his celestial Kung-fu practice.

Roy Boe had to explain to St. Peter why he sold Dr. J to the Sixers.

Michael Jackson took his search for the lost glove into the cosmos.

Billy Mays made God a special offer on two tubs of Oxi-Clean.

July:

Alexis Arguello took a ten count.

Karl Malden watched the credits roll one last time.

Steve McNair strapped on his helmet for the last time.

Walter Cronkite signed off. “And that’s the way it is…”

August:

Eunice Kennedy Shriver started awarding Special Olympics medals in Heaven.

Robert Novak filed his final column. [His mantra was “Always love your country but never trust your government.” Not bad advice over the years…]

Les Paul joined a Heavenly jam session.

Dan Hewitt left the planet - - perhaps to create a Celestial version of 60 Minutes with Walter Cronkite.

Senator Edward Kennedy reunited with Mary Jo Kopechne.

September:

Dr. Myles Brand tried explaining the BCS to God - - with no success.

Mary Travers joined Puff the Magic Dragon and slipped into a cave.

Jody Powell began conducting news conferences in the sky.

Jack Kramer lost match point to The Grim Reaper.

William Safire showed God how to diagram sentences.

October:

Larry Jansen was taken out of the game for the last time.

“Captain” Lou Albano went through the Pearly Gates - - and had a foreign object concealed in his tights.

Cullen Bryant took his final handoff.

Jack Nelson filed his last exclusive story.

Soupy Sales took a pie in the face one last time.

November:

Claude Levi-Strauss buttoned up his jeans for the last time. [Not really…]

Bobby Frankel saddled his last winner.

Abe Pollin started watching NBA games from a real “Sky Box”.

December:

Tommy Heinrich struck out – but still made it to celestial first base.

Foge Fazio held his final football practice.

Gene Barry had his Rolls Royce driver deliver him to the Pearly Gates.

Paul Samuelson began his professorship at Cosmos University.

Oral Roberts started preaching to the choir in Heaven.

Chris Henry caught his final fade pattern.

Arnold Stang joined Uncle Miltie in a vaudeville skit in Heaven.
George Michael turned off The Sports Machine one last time.

May all of these folks, rest in peace…

One person who remains with us as we go forward into the next decade is the guy who plays “The Most Interesting Man In The World” on the advertisements for Dos Equis beer. He started me thinking about something that might come to fruition in 2010:

Who is The Most Uninteresting Person In the World?

Would the guy in that beer commercial make the list?

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Today, I feel like Luke Skywalker. I feel as if I have achieved a level of understanding regarding a cosmological concept through study at the foot of The Master. I can now contemplate further growth in my mystical insights in the hope that someday I might become like The Master. Let me explain…

As I have reported in previous years, Gene Collier of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette does a year-end column wherein he awards the Trite Trophy for the year. The Trite Trophy is given to that word or phrase that it horribly overused and horribly under informative in the language during the previous year. The criteria are that it has to be over-used, generally meaningless and most annoying.

The column awarding the Trite Trophy for 2009 appeared in the Post-Gazette yesterday. It was the 26th annual presentation of the award and the column was excellent as usual. I commend it to your reading.

So, why do I feel like Luke Skywalker? Well, I have been keeping my own small list of overused and annoying phrases from broadcasts and telecasts for the past several months; and just after Thanksgiving, I sent an e-mail to Gene Collier timidly nominating three such phrases for inclusion in the awards column this year. I acknowledge that The Trite Trophy presentation is based on a vote of a committee of one person - - Professor Collier - - but I hoped that he might look upon my suggestions and agree that they would be worthy of a mention in the column. As it turns out, two of my suggestions got an honorable mention for the Trite Trophy 2009 and one of my suggestions was The Winner Of The Trite Trophy for 2009. I feel I have begun to learn from The Master…

I will not contain my enthusiasm any longer; my suggestion for a phrase that is overused to the point of annoyance, which won the Trite Trophy 2009, is dialing up a blitz. Given the number of coaches who do this, I have to hope that they are all part of that national cell phone program that allows for unlimited free calls or the costs to the teams might sink the NFL. Oh, and by the way, just whom do they call to create that blitz; are they all pocket-dialing Flava Flav?

One of my other nominees - - an honorable mention recipient from Professor Collier - - was upon further review. When the NFL referee returns to the field after spending a seeming eternity evaluating a challenged call on the field, he often begins his pronouncement of the final edict with upon further review… Excuse me, but that was the first time the play was reviewed so how can it be “further” review?

My third nominee - - another honorable mention - - was dribble drive. In a basketball game, is there really any other kind? Not counting the NBA allowance for star players to do anything they want on the court without ever needing to dribble a basketball…

Those three phrases were my top picks for the year but I had lesser ones on my list; and since this is the time of year for the Trite Trophy, let me put them out there for your perusal with the full understanding that the official list is the one published in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and these are a poor imitation of that list.

Too often, we hear that a quarterback makes good decisions. What the Hell does that mean? Am I supposed to believe that he thought about it and decided on a given day that it would be a bad thing to throw 7 INTs in a game and that insight let to a “good decision”? Or maybe that it would be a good idea to complete 5 TD passes that day? How stupid are those QBs that they think this is a matter for decision making?

At this time of the season in the NFL, far too many announcers will tell us that for some teams there is no tomorrow. Really? Is the team going to disband at midnight? I can’t recall the last time that happened in the NFL…

Coming up very soon, there will be selections for the annual Pro Bowl followed by intense - - albeit meaningless - - debate on which players received a Pro Bowl snub. Allow me to shine a bit of light onto the concept of a “Pro Bowl snub”; most players have exactly no interest in playing in the game in the first place. Many players develop a nagging injury as soon as they are selected for the teams necessitating someone who received fewer votes for the “honor” to take their place. That even happened when the game was in Hawaii where the players in the game got themselves a freebie trip to Hawaii in February - - not all that bad a deal. The players want to play in this game even less than people want to watch this game. Therefore, it is not possible for a player to be “snubbed” here. In fact, the players are snubbing the Pro Bowl game…

A hugely overused phrase in baseball is that a player got good wood on the ball. Whenever a player hits a ball, that is a fact because bats are not made from worm-infested wood. Players never put bad wood on the ball. [Aside: One might say that Tiger Woods has gotten himself into some family difficulties because of his own bad wood, but that is a different concept entirely…]

Coaches, GMs and players also contribute mightily to the list of trite phrases that assault our earpans every day. Consider these few:

We decided to go in a different direction. The translation for that is, “We told that doofus not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out.”

This team will not accept losing. So, that means that they are going to challenge the league standings that say they have lost some games, right?

I have to look at the film before I can comment on that play. Why? Weren’t you paying attention when it happened on the field right there in front of you?

We will let the legal process play out before we decide what to do with a player involved in miscreant behaviors. Translation: Maybe someone else will make this decision for us…

You can’t measure heart. My cardiologist would beg to differ with you, Coach.

Joe Flabeetz needs to stay within himself. Does he actually have a choice in this matter? Would he make a bad decision if he tried to play in the midst of an out of body experience?

Two phrases that usually do not come out together demonstrate even more clearly how meaningless they are when juxtaposed. We had good success today followed by ya know what I’m saying? Of course I know what you are saying, Dumbass; there is no other kind of success. By analogy the team you beat on the day you had good success must have had a sequence of bad failures - - are there other kinds?

Joe Flabeetz just made a great basketball play. Slow down there hoss; let me catch up with you. I am sitting here watching a basketball game on TV and you just told me that this guy made a great basketball play. What else might it have been? I just can’t imagine that anyone involved in a basketball game would take a moment to make a good decision on materials from which to make a quilt.

Joe Flabeetz can score the basketball. That is most surprising. I did not realize that the referees would allow him to bring an Exacto knife onto the court while play was in progress…

As 2009 draws to a close, I feel as if have achieved a new level of enlightenment with regard to meaningless phraseology with regard to sports broadcasting. I shall continue to focus on the matter and seek more intense union with the trite and the banal in that part of the cosmos in the future. Nevertheless, I bow in the direction of The Master when it comes to the selection of the Annual Trite Trophy.

Ommm…..

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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In the last month or so, a few events portend the eventual return of the NFL to the Los Angeles area. To be sure, the most important of those events was the resolution of the lawsuit in Southern California that sought to block the building of a new stadium in the City of Industry and the passage of a bill through the California legislature clearing the way for stadium financing via a bond issue. The NFL has made it clear more times than Nancy Grace has been annoying that no team would move to LA without a new stadium. The city fathers of Los Angeles have concocted myriad offers to get a team back there but none of them involved a new stadium; the NFL has always politely told them to stick any and all of those plans where the sun never shines.

So, it looks as if there will be a new stadium in Industry, CA specifically to attract an NFL team. [I hesitate to call it a suburb of Los Angeles because there are not a lot of residents there but it is about 25-30 miles east of Los Angeles Airport.] Current plans/designs call for it to be built into a hilltop along with mixed development of office buildings and retail outlets. The stadium will seat 75,000 (11,000 premium seats) and will have 175 suites. The ambitious schedule says that the stadium can be completed in 2 years and that it could open for the 2011 season.

Interestingly, as plans for the new stadium in the LA area crystallized, another portentous event happened about 2000 miles northeast of Los Angeles. The Minnesota Vikings and a sports commission in Minnesota had been talking about a new stadium for the Vikings for at least the last 3 years and probably for the last 5 years. The Vikings broke off negotiations last month and said that they would not sign any extension of the lease to play their games in the Metrodome; that lease interestingly expires in 2011.

The sports commission has threatened to charge the Vikings $4M annually in lease fees if the team does not sign an extension. Frankly, that seems like chump change in the context of the monies involved in the negotiations to keep the team in town with a new stadium. I guess the sports commissioners felt they had to do something in response to the Vikings’ statement. Surely, lawsuits will follow these actions - - perhaps from both sides of the table; law firms in the Twin Cities area are already licking their chops.

There are interesting parallels here between the Vikings of 2009 and the Cleveland Browns of the mid-90s. The Vikings are playing in an old facility by NFL standards; the Metrodome opened in 1982; and most importantly, it is the only stadium used by an NFL team that has no club seating level. Seating capacity is 64,000 making it one of the smaller facilities used by NFL clubs. Recall that in the mid-90s, the Cleveland Browns were playing in an antiquated facility with meager premium amenities - - albeit Municipal Stadium had plenty of seats. Both the Vikings now and the Browns back then believe that their stadiums put them at a competitive disadvantage with regard to other NFL teams in terms of revenue streams.

In the Twin Cities area of Minnesota, there are two separate indoor sports arenas - - one for the NBA Timberwolves and another for the NHL Wild. There will be a new baseball stadium for the Twins opening next spring. The University of Minnesota opened their new stadium in Minneapolis in September 2009. Everyone else in the sporting sphere in that part of the world has a new crib but there does not seem to be the inclination to spend money on a new playpen for the Vikings.

That was the case in Cleveland too. The Indians got a new place to play; the Cavaliers got a new place to play; when it came the Browns’ turn, the city decided it did not have enough money to build them a stadium and also deal with the creation of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Therefore, the Browns left town. Clevelanders hate Art Modell for doing that although their anger is horribly misplaced. It was the city fathers who were to blame for the loss of the Browns and the proof of that is what happened as soon as the NFL said they would put a franchise back in Cleveland - - so long as there was a new stadium to play in. The city, county and state governments moved at warp speed to find the money to get that new stadium construction project rolling; it is amazing how easily they found a way to get it done with no team in town when it was impossible to do so as long as Art Modell’s Browns were thought to be chattel property.

The people in the Twin Cities area should look about 750 miles to the southeast to Cleveland for what could happen to their Vikings’ team. There are folks in LA building a stadium; those folks are spending money; and as the old adage goes:

Money talks and “bullspit” walks…

I believe that there is an opportunity here to make the new stadium in LA into something even bigger than the designers envision. I think that the NFL should consider putting two teams in LA and have them share that stadium. I say this because there are at least four other franchises in the league that should benefit financially from a move to LA. And, truth be told, the NFL exists only to provide bottom line benefits to the owners of its teams. All of the feelgood nonsense about the league caring about cities and “giving back” is an opiate for the masses. The NFL is about the bottom line - - just ask the folks in Cleveland.

So who would be candidates to move to LA? Obviously, the Vikings are on the list for the reasons cited above. In addition, think about these others:

The Jacksonville Jaguars’ attendance is a mess. Jacksonville Municipal Stadium can seat 80,000 for a Super Bowl or for the annual Georgia/Florida football game. The Jags have not filled that capacity in years and have tarps over enough seats to make a capacity crowd for a Jags game about 67,000. They do not fill that on a regular basis either. In fact, this year with the team seriously in playoff contention, the Jags’ games are blacked out locally because they cannot sell out the facility. Last week, they played to the smallest attendance in team history; only 42,079 were able to find the stadium to see the Jags beat the Texans. The Jaguars host the Dolphins this week and then host the undefeated Colts on Thursday 17 December. The Jags will be in a race for the wild card; the Colts could be undefeated then; that game should be a sellout and there should be scalpers outside the stadium doing business. If the fans do not care enough to go to that game, move the team.

The Buffalo Bills took one of their home games this year and put it in Toronto purely for monetary purposes. Attendance is fine in Buffalo but the revenue streams there are limited; like Jax, it is one of the NFL outposts. There is no way the team will move so long as Ralph Wilson is the owner; I think someone nailed one of his feet to the ground near city hall in Buffalo. However, Ralph Wilson celebrated his 91st birthday a couple of months ago; actuarially, the NFL should not include him as a viable presence were it to draw up a 10-year long-range plan. At some point, it will make good financial sense to move the Bills out of Buffalo and Los Angeles might be a reasonable destination.

The San Diego Chargers are in a “stare down” with the folks who run the city of San Diego that mirrors the one in Minnesota. It is almost as if the Vikings and the Chargers are characters in a science fiction story existing in parallel universes and destined for similar outcomes. One fundamental difference between the Chargers’ situation and the Vikings’ situation is the weather in the two cities. In December, the weather in San Diego still allows for activities on the beach and in the ocean - - in addition to skiing activities relatively close by. That gives the residents there options to do other things besides following the fortunes of a football team. The weather in Minnesota in December provides fewer alternate recreational options - - and it will take a whole lot of global warming before Minnesota in December resembles San Diego in December.

The Oakland Raiders hosted the Cincinnati Bengals the Sunday before Thanksgiving. Granted the Raiders’ team was already out of contention for the playoffs by then, but the Bengals were leading their division. A crowd of 34,112 showed up for that game. That is embarrassing for the NFL; seven different MLB teams averaged more than 34,112 in attendance last season over an 81-game home schedule. Clearly, there are still some bad feelings within the NFL regarding Al Davis and his lawsuits against the league; but just as with Ralph Wilson, there are actuarial trends in play here. In a league devoted to “parity”, having franchises that are “revenue disadvantaged” does not make much sense. The fly in the ointment here is that the Raiders extended their lease in Oakland recently. Perhaps another less than judicious decision by the Raiders’ managing general partner…?

I think there are five teams that would benefit from a move to Los Angeles. The league should be interested and so should the players. After all, the players’ aggregate salary cap depends on maximizing team revenues across the league. Teams that draw about 40,000 fans per game will generate smaller revenues than might flow in to a team in a new 75,000-seat facility in a huge metropolitan area like Los Angeles.

Were I “NFL Commissioner For A Day”, I would surely put two teams in the new stadium in LA long before I would consider putting a team – or a couple of teams – in European cities or in Mexico City.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Despite the utter lack of an outcry for me to bring this feature back for another year, I am going to do it anyway. The reason is simple. I enjoy writing these things.

I doubt that I will be able to do one of these every week of the college football season. I still have a lot of travel on my calendar despite the fact that I basically lived out of a suitcase for most of the summer. In fact, I have been away from Curmudgeon Central for the past week and so this was written very early using lines that could easily change in the intervening time. I will try to write as often as possible; and like last year, I will keep the NCAA and the NFL Mythical Picks separate.

Of course, no one should ever use any information in these rants as the basis for a decision to make a wager on a specific game or as the basis for what side to back in such a wager - - if the wager were to involve actual money. Only a dumbass would do that. In fact, he/she would have to be so stupid that he/she would likely try out for the goalie position on a darts team.

Yes, I will continue to follow the fortunes of Linfield College where there has not been a losing season in football since 1956. The Wildcats only play 9 games in a season and this year 5 of them are on the road. In addition, two of their out of conference games will be against “ranked opponents”. Putting that 54th consecutive winning season in the books is hardly a sure thing. Their season does not start until September 12 so they have another week of practice to get ready. Go Wildcats…

General Comments:

There is a long tradition of schools padding their schedules with cream-puff games out of conference to assure gaudy records at the end of the season. I don’t pretend to have done exhaustive research on all the schools and all of their schedules, but here are a few “name schools” (in alphabetical order to avoid any hint of favoritism here) that seem to have chosen some pretty meager fare in their non-conference opponents:

Arkansas: Missouri St., Texas A&M, Eastern Michigan, Troy

Kansas St. UMass, La-Lafayette, UCLA, Tennessee Tech

Mississippi: SE Louisiana, UAB, Northern Arizona

Northwestern: Towson, Eastern Michigan, Miami (Ohio), Syracuse

Penn State: Akron, Syracuse, Temple, Eastern Illinois

Rutgers: Howard, Florida International, Maryland, Army

Texas: La-Monroe, Wyoming, UTEP, Central Florida

Wisconsin: Northern Illinois, Fresno State, Wofford, Hawaii

Note that Kansas State has UCLA on this year’s schedule but with the return of Bill Snyder to the coaching seat, is should not surprise anyone that K-State is trying to buy its way out of that game for 2010. The LA Daily News had that tidbit earlier this summer. If Snyder gets his way, he will schedule Obesity International in place of UCLA…

There were also reports earlier this year that ESPN wanted to set up a game between Texas and Wisconsin as a prime inter-regional game. The game will not happen supposedly because neither team was willing to give up one of its seven home games this year. You can see above three of Wisconsin’s “can’t miss home games”; they travel to Hawaii; they are home for the other three games. Meanwhile Texas could not possibly do without any of their three out of conference home games (Wyoming is the game on the road). Please remember this if either Texas or Wisconsin does not get into the bowl game that they want based on strength of schedule…

On the other hand, Miami University starts out the season with a killer schedule - - unlike any of the teams above. Their first four games are against Florida State, Ga Tech, Va Tech and Oklahoma. Wow!

There is an adage in college football that “returning experience” portends a good season. It also helps when the players who are returning with that experience are pretty good to begin with and that leads me to point out that Arkansas started 10 freshmen last season and went 5-7 against an SEC schedule. Arkansas might be very good this year and next year…

It should not be news to anyone who has been conscious for the past couple of weeks that Greg Paulus will start at QB for Syracuse this year after playing out his basketball eligibility at Duke. Paulus was a highly recruited high school QB from the western NY area four years ago but he chose to play basketball. He is exploiting a loophole in the NCAA rules to do that and I think that is great for him. He will not have an NFL career as a QB and he is unlikely to have an NBA career of note either; but he can continue to have an NCAA athletic career.

Will this make a difference for Syracuse this year? Probably not. But it does seem as if Syracuse and Greg Paulus are made for each other. Neither has played major college football for the last four years…

If I gaze into a crystal ball and look for teams that ought to be “tougher outs” in 09 than they were in 08, here are a few that I see:

Arkansas: See three paragraphs above.

Auburn: The offense has to be better - - doesn’t it?

Michigan: Favorable schedule including Delaware State who is foregoing a conference game to go to Ann Arbor for a payday.

North Carolina: Butch Davis knows what he is doing.

Notre Dame: All the difficult games are in South Bend but beware Nevada in the season opener…

Note that I do not have Boise State on this list. That is because Boise State is now a consistently good football team. They are now the Gonzaga of college football; they should not surprise anyone; they are always a good team.

If I gaze into a crystal ball and look for teams that ought to be “not as good” in 09 as they were in 08, here are a few that I see:

Maryland: Tough schedule.

Missouri: Just about all the offensive production from last year is gone.

Oregon State: Lost their 2 best WRs and the entire defensive backfield.

If someone in the state of Washington finds an old lamp on the beach and a genie appears to give out three wishes, one might be for the state’s major football teams to do just a tad better this year than last. Washington was 0-12; Washington State was 2-11 with wins over Div 1-AA Portland State and - - Washington.

Absent that genie appearing, maybe these teams qualify under the Washington State law they call the Death With Dignity Act? I’m not sure what the teams might qualify for, but given last year’s results the teams certainly seemed to be dead and there was a dearth of dignity…

The Ponderosa Spread Games:

I try to keep track of what I call Ponderosa Spread games. The Ponderosa was the huge ranch (big spread, get it?) owned by the Cartwrights on the TV series, Bonanza. I define a “Ponderosa Spread” as 24 points or more. Last year the favorite went 46-28-3 against those huge numbers, which is very unusual. In most years, the favorites barely hold a winning record against “the number” in these games. This week we have 4 Ponderosa Games:

Akron at Penn State – 27 (58.5): A more interesting question is: Will the outcome of this game still be in doubt at the beginning of the second quarter?

W. Kentucky at Tennessee – 29.5 (44): That is an awfully large spread for a game where the total number is only 44 points. The Lane Kiffen era begins at UT. If the Vols don’t cover, there will be grumblings; if the Vols lose outright, Lane Kiffen will need to hire a food taster.

San Jose St. at USC – 34.5 (48): Here is another game with a very large spread relative to the total projected.

La-Monroe at Texas – 40 (61.5): This was one of the games Texas could not possibly cancel in order to play Wisconsin…

Games of Interest:

South Carolina at NC State – 4 (46): Good inter-conference sectional rivalry here. Based on venue and South Carolina’s spotty offense last year, I’ll take NC State and lay the points.

Oregon at Boise State – 5 (64): If Oregon wears those phosphorescent yellow uniforms on Boise State’s blue turf, the astronauts on the International Space Station might be able to see them. I’ll take the OVER here.

Western Michigan at Michigan – 11 (56): Rich Rodriguez needs a good start to the 09 season. They have a new addition to the stadium; it cost a lot; the boosters want to see winning football right away. I’ll take the OVER here.

Baylor at Wake Forest – 2 (53.5): I do not understand this line. Does it mean that Baylor is much better this year? Does it mean Wake Forest is not as good as it has been in recent years? Interesting game - - but no wager for me…

Nevada at Notre Dame – 14.5 (61): I said beware of Nevada up above. I do not like them to win the game outright, but with two TDs and a half-point hook, I’ll take Nevada with the points here.

BYU at Oklahoma – 22 (68): I like Oklahoma a lot but BYU is not a patsy. Just for the halibut, I’ll take BYU with this generous helping of points.

Miami at Florida State – 6 (48): A long time ago in a galaxy far away, this game was an annual war with the winner likely to be in the top 2 in the country. Not so anymore, but still a solid rivalry. I like FSU to win and cover here.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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I keep a running list of things that are annoying, overblown, or perhaps simply irrelevant that keep coming up in the sports world. When that list gets to a point that it provides sufficient material to fill a rant, I run through the inventory and start a new list. As you probably have guessed, my list runneth over…

I just don’t care about the debates surrounding the NFL’s overtime rules. They have been in place for at least 30 years now - - I think the league adopted the regular season sudden death rule in the mid-70s - - and all of the arguments pro and con for this rather simplistic rule have already been made. Until someone comes up with a new argument, the debates are tired and threadbare. Enough already…

I just don’t care about any debate regarding who was the “greatest ever”. These arguments are bad enough when comparing apples to apples such as Wilt vs. Russell or Magic vs. Bird and then how any of those guys might compare to Michael Jordan. However, folks who are attracted to this kind of debate - - sports radio talkers with lots of time to kill, for example - - often take the debate from the stage of merely annoying all the way out there to mindblowingly silly. Who was better, Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods? Puhleez. Why not add Luciano Pavarotti to the mix and make it completely stupid? Enough already…

I just don’t care about any discussion of a coach or player in terms of his/her “legacy to the game”. Fans remember great players and coaches when they are no longer playing or coaching; that is what fans do. The number of players/coaches who actually handed down something to the game that was a lasting change can usually be counted on a single hand. Enough already…

I just don’t care about sideline reporters and the in-game interviews that they foist upon viewers. Asking a coach about what the team needs to do in the second half as the coach is running onto or off the field at halftime can only produce one realistic answer, “We have to score points and we have to stop them from scoring points.” Asking a player how he feels after he just scored a winning TD or after he just missed a free throw to tie a game and send into overtime cannot produce a wide spectrum of responses. In addition, I am certain that the fate of civilization as we know it does not dangle on the thread of insights we might get from an in-game interview of a parent/guardian of a game participant or from some celebrity whose opinions on a sporting event are as meaningful as a dissertation on the historical significance of cottage cheese – small curd. Enough already…

I just don’t care about polls for college or high school sports. It is clear that the poll voters are either not fully informed to cast meaningful votes and/or they have personal agendas that they are pushing with their votes. All polls should be expunged from our existence. Having said that, can you imagine just how idiotic I think any of the pre-season polls might be given that the uninformed and/or biased voters are basing their votes on exactly zero actual performance measures? Enough already…

I just don’t care about any college bowl game played before December 30. Not a single one of them has any importance at all. In a good season, two of that mélange of games will represent an interesting match-up and only one will actually be a good game to watch. Enough already… [For the sake of clarity, the paragraph above should not lead anyone to believe that I think all the college bowl games played after December 30 are important and worthy of attention. That is not the case; some of those games are truly stupid too.]

I just don’t care about the NIT and/or any of the other nonsensical college basketball post-season tournaments that have sprung up in the past couple of years. There are 65 teams in the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. In truth, 50 of those teams really have no shot of winning the tournament, but they are there to fill out the brackets and make that tournament the best three-week sporting event in the world. All the other tournaments feature games between break-even teams, which would be anti-climactic and boring if held during the regular season when winning and losing might actually matter with regard to getting into the “real tournament.” Enough already…

I just don’t care about televising games from the Little League World Series except for the final three games. Now we are watching games from regional tournaments to see which teams will go to Williamsport for the World Series Tournament. If this goes any further, ESPN will have to spin off another network just to cover sports for kids under the age of 15. Enough already…

I just don’t care about competitive eating events. Gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins; it is not a spectator sport. Have you noticed that the writers and broadcasters who moan about the “message we send to children” when discussing things like steroids do not moan equally loudly about the Nathan’s Fourth of July Face-Stuffing Fest? Enough already… [For the sake of clarity, I do like however, the statement of a basic rule for Philadelphia’s Wing Bowl gluttony extravaganza, “You heave; you leave.]

I just don’t care for MMA/UFC. To me, it seems like the WWE with real blood; far too much hype for the entertainment value presented by the events themselves. Enough already…

I just don’t care for calling any fans of any team a “Nation”. It may have been cute the first time the phrase was coined; now it is trite beyond description. Oh, and of course all of the putative citizens of any nation must wear team gear to any games so that they can be shown on TV as a horde of raving maniacs. I don’t call those folks a “nation”; I call them a group of posers and wannabes who cannot wear those jerseys for real but get their jollies from screaming in front of a TV camera while wearing them. Enough already…

Finally, I just don’t care about Danica Patrick - - unless of course she wins another race or two which is what she is supposed to do as an Indy car driver. As of this writing, she has won precisely one Indy car race (last year) in her five years as a professional driver. It seems to me that the only thing she does well is to maintain her celebrity status - - sort of like Paris Hilton. Enough already…

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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As NFL training camps opened, there was a surfeit of reporters in every camp in the league. That created an explosion of meaningless stories from around the country. In addition, when there was a story that might be interesting/important, this surfeit of reporters hopped on it and put it in about three bazillion outlets. An example of a story that was covered in an unusually large number of places was the fact that Lendale White reported to the Titans’ training camp at 228 pounds which is about 30-35 pounds lighter than he was last year – and even 10 weeks ago.

That is an interesting tidbit; it may be important because one of the “issues” surrounding Lendale White has been his “commitment” to football. Whatever. The part of the story that got me thinking was that White evidently told a reporter that the way he lost that weight was to stop drinking tequila.

I have exactly zero interest in joining into a discussion with any hominid on the planet about the mechanism of weight loss in humankind because there are too many people out there who have a cult-like set of beliefs about one kind of diet or another. I am a chemist by training and in any system that does not involve a nuclear reaction the First Law of Thermodynamics must be obeyed; kids learned that Law under a different name in seventh grade science; it is the Law of Conservation of Energy.

Lendale White lost 30+ pounds in something like 3 months by eliminating tequila from his diet? You do not want to do the calculation as to how much tequila he had to be consuming daily – or even hourly – to effect that weight loss with only that dietary modification. Let us just say that if that is all he did to change his caloric intake, his blood might have been 10-proof.

Nevertheless, what Lendale White did is not an easy thing for a human to do and so I started thinking about some other athletes (past and present) who might use Lendale White as a role model. Here are some that came to mind:

CC Sabathia: He is a really good pitcher but at some point, someone is going to calculate what the Yankees paid per pound to sign him for $160M.

Sid Fernandez: His caboose was anathema to the guys who operated the center field camera in MLB parks; when he pitched the catcher and the umpire often disappeared.

David Wells: When he sat down in the dugout, seismic sensors detected the event.

Aurelio Lopez (Señor Smoke): I had a baseball card of his in the 70s that said he weighed 190 lbs. When I saw him on the mound, I thought they had found a way to weigh him only from the waist down.

Bartolo Colon: Insert your own comment here related to the multiple meanings of the word “colon”.

Bob Wickman: You have to wonder how he finds his belt to take off his uniform to shower after a game.

Cecil and Prince Fielder: Father and son demonstrating the validity of Gregor Mendel’s pioneering research.

Mo Vaughn: He ate his way out of the major leagues.

Jared Lorenzen: Just consider his nicknames – “The Pillsbury Throwboy”, “J-Load”, “Hefty Lefty”, “BBQ” (for Big Butted Quarterback) and “The Abominable Throwman”.

Scott Mitchell: He was Jared Lorenzen - - only slower.

Gilbert Brown: Yes, defensive lineman need to be big, but Gilbert was his own zip code.

Shaun Rogers: He may qualify for group health insurance all by himself.

Hollis Thomas: You could say he was built “low to the road”.

Grady Jackson: Water runs uphill faster than he does.

Tony Siragusa: Every time I see him on TV, I want to ask him if Han Solo ever paid off that IOU.

Arte Donovan: If he took up skydiving, astronomers could study the sun during solar eclipse conditions on a daily basis.

Sir Charles Barkley: Almost big enough to go into business selling shade.

Kevin Duckworth: His breakfast cereal bowl needed its own lifeguard.

John “Hot Plate” Williams: Ate his way out of the NBA.

Eddy Curry: In danger of eating is way out of the NBA.

Shawn Kemp: At the end of his career it looked as if was trying to smuggle watermelons in his pants.

Oliver Miller: Looked as if he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth.

Robert “Tractor” Traylor: His butt has its own Congressthing.

Butterbean: He needs to set up sawhorses and a platform in his driveway to iron his clothes.

Surely, that is not an all-inclusive list; but it gives you an idea of some folks who could have used a role model like Lendale White in the past or who can look to him now for inspiration.

Another athlete who has dropped significant avoirdupois is John Daly. Given all the other “issues” in his life, I surely would not suggest that anyone use him as a role model for anything other that weight loss.

Bud don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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