As I was posting yesterday’s rant regarding A-Rod’s “need to apologize” and my thinking that such an action is completely unnecessary, it hit me that A-Rod and a few other folks need to be inducted into an elite fraternity about now. No, I am not talking about a Hall of Fame. I want him as a charter member of the:
Just Go Away Club.
Today, I would like to present my charter membership in this club. Readers may feel free to add others to this pantheon. But first, two ground rules:
1. I do not wish any harm to befall any of these folks. I just want them to go away and never bother me again.
2. Politicians and political pundits/commentators are not eligible for the club because there are far too many candidates of that ilk to list – let alone to consider for membership.
To begin, I want to list two people who are on the cusp of membership in the Just Go Away Club but do not gain admission just yet. In alphabetical order:
Dwight Howard: He produced plenty of drama and chatter in the past couple of years as he maneuvered to change teams for himself but he produced little on the court when he got wherever it was he wanted to go. He is still young enough and talented enough to do some business in Houston so he need not Go Away just yet. But if he starts any more drama about getting traded…
Tim Tebow: If the discussion has anything at all to do with him playing QB in the NFL, then I want him to go away. However, his new career as a football analyst on TV began well a month ago. Therefore, the discussion about him should change now and he need not go away.
One more individual who is definitely a strong candidate for the club who I will keep on the outside for now is José Canseco. Over the past couple of years, his activities and utterances have been so zany that he provides humor value. Therefore, he can hang around for a while longer.
The charter members of the Just Go Away Club are – in alphabetical order…
Lance Armstrong: He is a cheater; he is a liar; he has done wonderful charity work… That narrative has played itself out over the past decade; there is nothing fresh in it. The only hews I want to hear about Lance Armstrong is that he has disembarked on a Himalayan trek to capture a live yeti and will not make any public pronouncements until he has accomplished that task. Just Go Away.
Mark Emmert: I am sure that he is a competent educator and administrator. He is also the one who reminds us all too frequently that the NCAA is a useless, venal and exploitive entity. Just Go Away.
Jon Gruden: Somewhere, someone at ESPN must think he does an outstanding job on MNF. I will tell you how bad I think he is:
Listening to him heap praised on everyone and everything, I have at times briefly thought how good it might be to have Joe Theismann back in the booth. Just Go Away.
Lou Holtz: I am sure he is a nice man but on TV, he sounds like Demosthenes while Demosthenes was still practicing to speak with a mouthful of pebbles. Just Go Away.
Chad Johnson/Ochocinco: Given all of the self-pumpulation he put out that we had to endure, he certainly accomplished very little. Just Go Away.
Terrell Owens: He accomplished more than his running buddy, Chad Johnson, but he also peppered everyone with more nonsense than did the already annoying Chad Johnson. Lately, T.O. has been in the news as a deadbeat dad and recently married a woman who subsequently left him after about two weeks of “marital bliss”. Just Go Away.
Danica Patrick: Yes, she has time in her career to actually win some races but she would need to win at least a dozen of them to amortize all of the hype that has surrounded her for all of the time when she has won exactly nothing. Just Go Away.
Regis Philbin: He hosts Crowd Goes Wild, on FS1 every afternoon. That program is so unwatchable that it makes me pine for the return to television of the late – but hardly lamented – Cold Pizza. Just Go Away.
Dennis Rodman: The next time he visits North Korea and his good buddy, Kim Jong-un, the US State Department should revoke his passport the minute he enters North Korea. Just Go Away.
Alex Rodriguez: He is the one who put this idea in my head. He has to be a charter member. Just Go Away.
Vin Scully: I expect plenty of blowback on this one. Vin Scully was one of the best baseball play-by-play men of all time. He started losing his edge by my reckoning in the mid-1990s; he lost a lot off his fastball by about 2000; he is still hanging around and telling a lot of the same stories in a far less entertaining fashion than in the past. He is making it difficult to remember just how really good he used to be. Just Go Away.
Don Shula: Yes, we know that you coached the only team in NFL history to win the Super bowl with a perfect record. We need not be reminded of that again. Just Go Away.
Jesse Ventura: He was an athlete before he was a politician so I confer membership on him. Until he proves conclusively that there is a secret cabal within our government conspiring to keep me fat, I need not hear anything more from him. Just Go Away.
There is a Baker’s Dozen for the charter class of the Just Go Away Club. José Canseco could get in here someday; Brett Favre would be inducted in a heartbeat should he ever hint that he might come out of retirement and play football again. Looking far down the road, perhaps Johnny Manziel and/or Robert Griffin III will find their way to membership here. One never knows…
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………