A while back, I introduced the idea of “Dead Owls” as a way to describe things I do not give a hoot about. I think that I want to spend my time at the keyboard today laying out a few more “Dead Owls”…
I do not give a hoot about “three man teams” announcing sporting events. In the last 40+ years, there have been exactly two “three-man-booths” that were worth listening to for more than about five minutes. Chronologically, they were:
Frank Gifford, Howard Cosell and “Dandy” Don Meredith: They made MNF – and by extension NFL – games entertaining and not merely sporting events that had a singular outcome.
Dick Enberg, Billy Packer and Al McGuire: They are the “Gold Standard” by which all announcing teams for NCAA basketball should be measured.
That’s it. That’s the list…
I do not give a hoot about which athlete or pop culture celebrity may or may not be humping some other athlete or pop culture celebrity. These folks are only “special” in the sense that they entertain us with their talents that are well beyond the norm for humankind in their specialty. What they do in their private lives – and with whom they do it – is of little interest.
As a corollary, I also do not give a hoot about what any athlete or pop culture celebrity has to say about any political candidate for office or about any of the “hot-button” issues of the day such as gun control, health care, immigration or the debt ceiling. The fact that a person might be able to hit a baseball better than 99.999% of the human race or sing a song more melodiously than 99.999% of the human race does NOT mean that person has any important insight into socio-political issues that make them interesting to listen to.
In fact, experience says that most of the folks of this ilk who demand to be heard on socio-political issues are shallow thinkers who add nothing of substance to the debate.
I do not give a hoot about any more identification of the Dallas Cowboys as “America’s Team”. Seriously, even if you live in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area, are they really?
I do not give a hoot about sports movie sequels. There are tons of bad sports movies out there; the ones that do succeed seem hell-bent to make sequels of themselves and the sequels are usually awful at the very best. Consider:
Does the world really need Major League IV? What might that movie entail other than Jake Taylor playing on blades like Oscar Pistorious, Ricky Vaughn losing his glasses and putting a spectator sitting behind the third base dugout into the ICU with a ball to the head while Pedro Cerrano has to sacrifice larger and larger animals on a daily basis in order to avoid striking out 4 times a game? Are you really going to sit through that nonsense?
If they ever make Rocky VIII, they will have to fashion a script wherein Rocky Balboa defends his title despite having to wear a colostomy bag throughout the contest.
I do not give a hoot about the myriad college football bowl games that pit mediocre teams against one another in truly meaningless games sometime prior to New Year’s Day.
I do not give a hoot about anything related to the NBA regular season prior to Valentine’s Day.
I do not give a hoot about shaving cream pies for baseball players in post-game interviews. That “tradition” lost its freshness at least 5 years ago. If baseball players do not have the mental acumen to come up with something new/different for such situations, then they should be ashamed of themselves.
I do not give a hoot about any pre-season rankings or polls related to college football or college basketball. Those things are beyond meaningless.
I do not give a hoot about draft listings and mock draft projections for the NFL made the week after the NFL Draft for a given year where 90% of the guys actually drafted this year have yet to sign on with the teams that hold their rights.
I do not give a hoot about anything that might be offered up to Sports Nation on ESPN for sports nation’s opinion. The issues are universally vapid; the voters are – in the main – mouth breathers; why is this even interesting? It is surely not important.
I do not give a hoot about television coverage of:
America’s Cup races: These might be marginally interesting if “Moby Dick” were on the loose in the midst of the course and it was out to claim a boat for Davy Jones’ locker.
Golf on TV where there is no time limit on players: Honestly, I could make a BLT sandwich in the time it takes some players to line up a single putt.
The Tour de France: This event pits a bunch of guys in tights who have yet to be caught by the PED testers riding bicycles up and down hills on roads in a place that few folks have ever seen in person.
I do not give a hoot about your fantasy team – or anyone else’s fantasy team – in any league in any sport. If I happen to care in a specific circumstance you can be sure that I will ask you about said fantasy team; otherwise, keep all information related to your team, your league and your standings in your league to yourself. I know that I have mentioned this one before, but so many people seem not to be aware of the depths of my disinterest in this area that I thought it needed repetition.
Finally, here is a bit of perspective from Greg Cote of the Miami Herald:
“The Masters field included 14-year-old amateur Tianiang Guan, the youngest player ever in golf’s biggest event. My greatest accomplishment at 14 was being adept at faking nausea so I could skip school.”
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………