Stories about meatheads hit the newspapers and the Internet with frightening regularity. One might think that after about 5 million years of evolution as man ascended from the animal community, meatheadedness would have been selected against. Clearly, that is not the case.
It should come as no great surprise to anyone who has read these offerings for a while that I keep notes on matters like this just so I can do a final compilation as the Earth completes yet another journey round the Sun to come up with
The Meathead Of The Year.
The Selection Committee here in Curmudgeon Central is a Committee of One. Therefore, I can meet in executive session and in plenary session without losing my train of thought. The sole criterion for making the list in the first place is that I need to convince myself that individuals here lack an element of humanity that is present in the majority of other Homo sapiens who have likewise ascended from animalhood.
In my first category, I will list activists for a variety of “causes”. You must understand that in order for someone to be an “activist”, that person cannot be completely reasonable and must always seek to do something sufficiently “off base” so as to bring attention to himself/herself so they can then point to their favorite cause. If you ever want to try to understand an issue thoroughly, the last person who will give you thorough information is an activist. So, it is not surprising that we find more than a couple of folks of that ilk in the running for this award.
Danny Glover is a self-proclaimed social activist. Danny blamed the earthquake in Haiti earlier this year on global warming and the lack of action taken at the UN Conference in Copenhagen which happened just prior to the earthquake. Even in 7th grade science, that kind of answer on a test would not get partial credit. Danny Glover, Meathead.
Two other folks get consideration here for their views on the Haitian earthquake even though these folks are not “activists” in the strictest sense of the term.
Rev. Pat Robertson asserted that the earthquake in Haiti was God’s way of getting even with the folks there who had made a deal with the Devil in their practice of voodoo. Pat Robertson, Meathead.
Hugo Chavez, the Venezuelan President, said that a secret test of a US “earthquake weapon” caused the catastrophe in Haiti. Hugo Chavez, Meathead.
PETA members protested the Westminster Dog Show by wearing Ku Klux Klan outfits to demonstrate their position that the American Kennel Club (AKC) is an organization equivalent to the KKK. That is mind-bogglingly stupid and it insults both the AKC and the KKK. Members of neither group would prefer to believe that their organization is anything at all like the other one. [I have asked this before but I need to ask it again: Is there a requirement that every member of PETA be a PITA?] Therefore, PETA members, Meatheads.
Sean Penn is another self-proclaimed social activist. Earlier this year, he took issue with people who did not agree with him on various political/social issues and stated that he hoped all people who disagreed with him would die of rectal cancer. This competition is for The Meathead Of The Year; so, Sean Penn only merits a dishonorable mention. Was this a competition for The Asshat Of The Year, he would probably be a prohibitive favorite. Sean Penn, Meathead.
Terry O’Neill, President of NOW, had a huge knot in her bra strap over the “Tim Tebow anti-abortion ad” that ran during the Super Bowl. Before the game she protested and fussed and fumed over this horrible message that CBS was going to permit on the air – - selectively forgetting that the reason she is free to vent her spleen whenever she wants to is the same Constitutional protection that allowed Tim Tebow and the producers of that ad to say their piece. Then the ad aired and it never even mentioned abortion – - not … one … time.
However, apologizing for getting it wrong is anathema to an “activist”; by definition, an “activist” can never be wrong. So, Terry O’Neill changed the subject and then claimed that the ad “glorified violence against women” because Tebow playfully tackled his mother in the ad before getting up and hugging her. Proclaimed Terry O’ Neill:
“I am blown away at the celebration of the violence against women in it. That’s what comes across to me even more strongly than the anti-abortion message.” [Remember, the ad never mentioned abortion or used the word…]
If this is the way the folks in charge at NOW hope to create progress on a variety of important and worthy “women’s issues”, it may be time to put new folks in charge. Terry O’Neill, Meathead.
The sports world always contributes worthy nominees for this award. Last year’s Meathead Of The Year was a girl’s high school basketball coach who ran up a score of 100-0 in a game against a school that focuses on kids with learning disabilities. In 2010, there are sporting entrants here, but none can come close to that standard. The winner this year will be found elsewhere.
Gilbert Arenas had his famous incident where he brought a gun – - some say it was loaded; others say it was not – - into the Washington Wizards’ locker room to have a showdown with a teammate, Jarvaris Crittendon, over a debt from a card game Arenas refused to pay. Just to be clear, an NBA locker room is never to be confused with the OK Corral. Maybe Arenas was trying to get the Wizards to change their name back to the Washington Bullets? Maybe he misunderstood his team role as the “shooting guard”? Whatever. Gilbert Arenas, Meathead.
Andray Blatche also plays for the Washington Wizards meaning the team itself deserves a special “Meathead Mention” here. In March – - when the Wizards had a record somewhere in the neighborhood of 20-45 – - the Wizards visited the Utah Jazz while on one of their patented six game losing streaks. [The only reason the Wizards were not the consensus worst team in the Eastern Conference is because the NJ Nets were also in the Eastern Conference.] The Wizards trailed the Jazz by 22 points in this meaningless game in the midst of a season that had already been flushed through the J-trap and into the sewer system. At that precise moment in time, Andray Blatche was called for a technical foul – - wait for it – - for taunting an opponent. Andray Blatche, Meathead.
Dorrell Wright – late of the Miami Heat and currently a Golden State Warrior – issued an apology for a nude photo of him that hit the Internet. That seems like a pretty vanilla thing to get him onto this list – - until you factor in that he had been suspended for an arrest on a DUI charge at the same time. That moves the anti-social behavior meter sufficiently. Dorrell Wright, Meathead.
José Canseco makes this list for the second year in a row. [The Selection Committee will need to ponder how many consecutive appearances here constitute an automatic Meathead Of The Year Award. The Committee will not be issuing a report on its deliberations so don’t hold your breath…] Canseco continued in 2010 to demonstrate his abject lack of boxing skills combined with his dogged determination to demonstrate said abject lack of boxing skills. In 2010, he lost a 4-round decision to a 60-year old man. José Canseco, Meathead.
Floyd Landis has spent the last several years proclaiming his innocence and his victimhood at the hands of some sort of cabal that labeled him as a cheater who used performance-enhancing drugs in the Tour de France. Earlier this year, an international arrest warrant was issued for Landis accusing him of hacking into a computer system that housed his and others’ drug testing records. Later this year, he wrote a book and admitted that he had been a performance-enhancing drug cheater all along but justified those actions by saying it was Lance Armstrong who had taught him to cheat. That statement sent the French authorities into orbit because they have never been able to catch Lance Armstrong cheating while he won their beloved race 7 times in a row. Floyd Landis is now a self-proclaimed cheat and liar whose major contribution to humankind was riding a bicycle. Floyd Landis, Meathead.
Braylon Edwards was arrested and charged with DWI in September – - in the midst of the NFL season. Did I hear someone ask what makes Edwards’ arrest so different from other NFL players’ run-of-the-mill DWI arrests? Try this… Recall that a couple of years ago, Donté Stallworth – then with the Browns – went out driving under the influence and killed a pedestrian. Guess who was out drinking with Stallworth that night. You got it, Braylon Edwards. Even seeing a teammate incarcerated after killing a pedestrian in a DWI situation was insufficient as a lesson for Edwards that he needed to call a cab to get home. Braylon Edwards, Meathead.
Don King is always a candidate for Meathead Of The Year. However, inclusion on this list requires that he do something sufficiently blockheaded to merit attention. Well, in 2010, King was stopped and detained briefly by TSA agents in Cleveland as he went to board a flight to Florida. King had ammunition for at least two different calibers of guns in his carry-on baggage. Why was King in Cleveland in the first place? He was there for his wife’s funeral. Doesn’t everyone go to a family funeral with ammo? Don King, Meathead.
The next two nominees are not directly in the world of sports – - but their actions that got them on this list of nominees are related to the sports world. Consider it a separate category here:
Don “Moose” Lewis announced the creation of the All-America Basketball Alliance (AABA) during the week proximal to Martin Luther King Jr. Day last year. That juxtaposition is tasteless – to put it mildly – because the AABA is to be an all-white basketball league where participation is restricted to:
“… natural born American citizens with both parents of the Caucasian race”.
Lewis says there is no racism involved here because hatred is not an element here and racism has to have hatred embedded into it. Even if you spot him that hugely tenuous assertion, the fact that an idea for an all-white basketball league flashed through his neural network and then he voluntarily let the world know that he let the idea fester in his mind for more than a nanosecond puts him on this list. Don “Moose” Lewis, Meathead.
Arne Duncan is our esteemed Secretary of Education in Washington DC. As the NCAA men’s basketball tournament field was solidifying, Duncan decided to get some attention. So he suggested that any NCAA school that did not graduate 40% or more of its student-athletes should be banned from any kind of post-season tournament play. Even if I agreed with the metric here, this is not the purview of a political appointee whose job it is to advance the educational system of the country as a whole. Were it not for the failure of the educational system to have anything resembling student accountability, there would not be “high school graduates” available to colleges to play basketball who are also incapable of being a college level student. Arne Duncan was the CEO of the Chicago Public School System prior to becoming Secretary of Education; the man has to know about dysfunctional school systems upclose and personal. What he probably learned in that job is that so long as local pols are involved with school budgets and school boards, there will be millions of elementary school children who will receive sub-standard educations. As Secretary of Education, he should be spending his time fixing that problem not worrying about the NCAA basketball tournament. The Honorable Arne Duncan, Meathead.
The next candidate disqualified himself for the ultimate honor here by ceasing to exchange oxygen in the biosphere as a result of his meatheadedness. John Lee stormed the HQs of the Discovery Channel with guns in hand and took hostages there as a way to protest programming on the Discovery Channel. [Aside: People who work for cable channel TLC ought to be glad I think this guy is a meathead and not a role model. Just saying…] Lee believed – - and had written a manifesto on his credo – - that there were too many human beings on the planet and insufficient protections for the other species here from all those humans. Supposedly, he had this epiphany while watching Al Gore’s hugely unentertaining film, An Inconvenient Truth, and somehow fixated on the idea that the Discovery Channel needed to change its programming to convince viewers that the planet needed more animals and less people. Because he was armed and claimed to have explosives taped to his body, John Lee attracted the attention of local SWAT personnel. Those SWAT personnel took him and his manifesto very seriously; they dispatched him and provided Planet Earth with one less annoying human being.
As a public service, allow me to give you just a taste of the John Lee Manifesto; this is what it was all about:
“Saving the environment and the remaning (sic) species diversity of the planet is now your mindset. Nothing is more important than saving them. The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels.
The humans? The planet does not need humans…
“All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions. In those programs’ places, programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. All former pro-birth programs must now push in the direction of stopping human birth, not encouraging it.”
Now, with that on the record, I proclaim – - albeit posthumously, John Lee, Meathead.
Consider for a moment the candidacy of Bethany Storro. What’s that, you say? You don’t recognize her name? Well let me offer one sentence of commentary here and I think you will recall her:
If intentionally splashing acid on your face were really a way to become famous or wealthy or respected or admired, would there not be thousands of folks doing it every day?
That’s right; she is the person who disfigured herself with acid for reasons that seem to have made sense to her at the time. Bethany Storro, Meathead.
Until very late in the year, Rep. Hank Johnson (D- GA) had what appeared to be an insurmountable lead in this competition. Representing the Fourth Congressional District from Georgia, The Honorable Mr. Johnson served as a member of the House Armed Services Committee and participated in hearings on a proposal to locate about 8000 military families to Guam. In those hearings, Rep. Johnson expressed his concern that overpopulation on the island could cause it to tip over – - particularly since the housing for military families is at one end of the island. Realizing that you might find that so mind numbingly ignorant that you think I might make it up, allow me to provide a link to a YouTube clip showing Rep. Johnson’s performance:
Now that you have seen and heard him in action, what more can is there to say except, The Honorable Hank Johnson, Meathead.
There are worthy candidates included here. None of those candidates mentioned above would be where I would go looking for any spare IQ points. But they all pale in comparison with the winner of this year’s honor as The Meathead Of The Year. The only problem is that I cannot give you the name of this individual just yet; the authorities have not yet identified him/her. Let me identify him/her as The As Yet Unidentified Low Life.
Here is the scene. Pat Burns was a coach in the National Hockey League who died in late November. What The As Yet Unidentified Low Life did was to break into the car of Pat Burns’ widow to steal some of Burns’ memorabilia and personal belongings – -
During … Burns’ … Funeral … Service.
The singular moment in 2010 where The As Yet Unidentified Low Life committed that atrocity creates this equation:
The As Yet Unidentified Low Life = The Meathead Of The Year
But don’t get me wrong, I love sports………