The Sports Curmudgeon®

Happy Leap Day everyone. Or is this Sadie Hawkins Day???

You have heard lots of conspiracy theories about the Mitchell Report and how it “targeted” NY Yankees because of the apparent conflict of interest on the part of Senator Mitchell. In fact, back on 6 April 2006, I wrote that Senator Mitchell was part of an iron triangle of conflicting interests in the position he took on. Baseball seems not to have any difficulties with such apparent conflicts so I guess that is why the following situation poses no grand concerns for the baseball moguls:

Nolan Ryan is the President of the Texas Rangers.

Nolan Ryan is a part owner of a minor league baseball team in Corpus Christi, TX that is an affiliate of the Houston Astros.

I recognize that one person/group at one time owned and operated about half the teams in MLS simultaneously, but had that not happened all of MLS would have dried up and blown away. There is no such fiscal crisis in baseball, so how can this continue to obtain?

In case you missed it, a Gallup poll in USA Today found that 57% of baseball fans polled think Roger Clemens lied in his Congressional testimony. And the other 43% are probably squarely on board with the conspiracy theories regarding the Mitchell Report targeting NY Yankees’ players…

There is a clamor in Chicago about the possibility that the new owner of the Tribune Company – which owns the Cubs and Wrigley Field for the time being – is going to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field. Pardon me while I yawn. Some folks have even suggested that fans stop going to games as a protest. Folks, if you happen to be talking to someone who thinks that will actually happen, listen to this person carefully and you will probably learn that he has seen Elvis recently - - on the Mother Ship sitting right next to a Yeti while the two of them enjoyed simultaneous rectal probes. Cubs’ attendance is not going to plummet!

Tell the truth here. Have you ever made a decision as to whether or not to attend any sporting event because of the name of the stadium? Do you think there are actually 100 people who would use that as a criterion? It is perfectly OK to be angry with the new owner who wants to change hallowed baseball tradition and all that stuff, but please recall that there was a time when Wrigley Field was not called Wrigley Field. This is not something that has threads going back to the beginnings of recorded history…

Some of the baseball pundits think that the Tampa Bay Rays will not finish in the cellar of the AL East this year - - and given the sorry-assed state of the Baltimore Orioles, they may be right on target. If that happens, I do not want to hear from anyone that the reason the team advanced in the standings is that they took the word “Devil” out of their team name. I do not want to go into theology here, but I really do believe that God has better things to do than to worry about who wins athletic events - - and so does Satan. If the Rays finish fourth – or even third – it will be due to the fact that they have more good players than the teams that finish below them.

I read one of those space-filler Spring Training columns about the Chicago White Sox that said they plan to improve their base running this season. Then I looked at projections of their starting line up and saw – in alphabetical order – Jermaine Dye, Paul Konerko, AJ Pierzynski and Jim Thome. Let me be clear; those are four quality major league baseball players. However, none of them is going to change games by their abilities to run the bases. These guys are more like human embolisms than speed merchants. I doubt the reputation of the old “Go-Go Sox” is in any great danger within White Sox lore…

I have to say that I do not understand why the Boston Red Sox and the Oakland A’s are traveling all the way to Japan to open the 2008 season. I think I have this right; the Red Sox will leave Florida on March 19 or March 20 to go to Japan where they will play two exhibition games, then play the A’s in the season opener, then return to Los Angeles for three more exhibition games with the Dodgers followed by a short hop up to Oakland to pick up the regular season where they left off in Japan. This makes no sense at all from a competition point of view and there is no need to “market the game of baseball” in Japan. It is doing quite well there on its own thank you.

The Dodgers and Padres will play two exhibition games in Beijing in March. Those can actually be “brand enhancement” activities because baseball is not widely followed or supported in China. That would be a whole new market for MLB; I can understand playing exhibition games there. But playing regular season games in Japan intermingled with the exhibition season by the Red Sox and the A’s makes no sense at all to me.

Speaking of making no sense at all, the Florida Marlins have a new idea to boost attendance. Let me be clear; it should not be hard to increase Florida Marlins’ attendance; when the Marlins use the phrase, “one to a customer” they mean “one stadium section”. So what is the big new idea? They want to hire a dance team made up of really fat guys. Here is what they say they are looking for in the auditions:

“Big bellies with the biggest jiggle, big feet with the best dance moves and enthusiasm that will rock Marlins fans out of their seats.”

Be still my heart. I had not planned to travel to Miami in the near future but with this news, maybe I should restructure all of my travel plans to go see a game there. I tell you; nothing says baseball enjoyment quite like - - big bellies with the biggest jiggle…

Finally, here is a comment from Bob Uecker:

“In 1962, I was named the minor league player of the year. Unfortunately, I’d been in the majors for two years.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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As we reach the end of February, what else would make sense to start the day’s discussion than - - college football. And let me start with the recent news that Southern Mississippi suspended freshman running back, Antwain Easterling, for unspecified reasons. Now before the cries become too loud about why that is even marginally interesting, let me give you the back-story about Antwain Easterling.

Whilst still in high school in Florida, he was considered one of the top prospects in the state but found himself charged with “lewd and lascivious battery against a 14-year old” just a few days before his school was to play for the state championship. He was released on bond and was allowed to play in the state high school championship game. Let’s just say that was not a high water mark for the people making decisions about right and wrong in the Florida high school system.

All of a sudden, recruitment of Easterling cooled off. Southern Mississippi was one of the few recognizable schools that offered him a chance to play. Last season – as a freshman – the former Southern Mississippi coach suspended Easterling for a game. Now the new head coach at Southern Mississippi has suspended him again without saying why. Please recall this incident come March Madness time when the NCAA will run those sappy ads about all the college athletes who go on the noble life endeavors and who competed because of the glory of the competition itself. That happens in “non-revenue” sports; in money-makers like football, this is the kind of scholar-athlete who has access to a scholarship.

Meanwhile, Tennessee punter, Britton Colquitt, was arrested recently on charges of DUI and of leaving the scene of an accident after he allegedly hit a parked car. Why is that interesting? Well, this would be Colquitt’s fifth alcohol-related incident while in school but he remains on the team and on scholarship there. Excuse me, but might that not be a violation of the NCAA rule where an athlete is receiving a benefit that would not be readily available to an ordinary student? Coach Phil Fulmer defends his handling of Colquitt saying that he tries to judge these things on a case-by-case basis and to do what is best for the person in each case. That sounds good and noble. It also sounds as if Fulmer needs to find the phone number of the nearest detox center and AA chapter if he wants to do what is best in this case…

Finally, in addition to Darren McFadden’s amazingly fast time in the 40-yard dash at the NFL Scouting Combine, there are stories that McFadden may have fathered four children by four different women – or will have once two are scheduled to enter the world early this summer. This guy is not even out of college yet and is responsible for four papooses? That sets him up to challenge legendary players such as Shawn Kemp and Travis Henry in the “Most Likely To Screw The Crack Of Dawn” Competition.

Moving to college basketball, the New Jersey Institute of Technology (NJIT) set a record for the worst Division 1 season ever; they went 0-29 this year playing their final game in Orem, UT against Utah Valley State. Yeah, that’s a natural rivalry in the making if ever I saw one… Anyhow, here is a chilling statistic from the NJIT season that may be even worse than the team’s season record:

Field Goals Made for the season: 550

Turnovers committed for the season: 577

YOWZA !!!

In the Big Ten, Tubby Smith has done quite nicely in turning around a moribund basketball program at Minnesota. The Gophers are 17-9 at the moment; they finished last year at 9-22. It is truly a shame he is not all that good as a basketball coach. That is why he was fired at Kentucky, right? Oh, for the folks in Lexington: How’s that working out for you?

In the world of sports broadcasting, ESPN and Sean Salisbury have parted company. What ever will all of us do next year without the Baron of Bombast? Salisbury said this was a mutual parting of the ways, which he brought to a head by asking for a “seven figure contract.” ESPN responded with the contractual version of “Via con Dios” as well they should have. This matter would merit little comment without the explanations offered by Salisbury:

“I’d grown tired of being punished for not being an NFL superstar. Analysts who don’t work as hard as me, don’t prepare as hard as me, and don’t have my resume were making more than me just because of their ability to throw or catch a football.

“I have created a brand and it’s time to expand into other opportunities in TV, radio, Internet, publishing, movies and public speaking, among others. My resume speaks for itself.”

Let me say that in the past year or so, ESPN has found a way to relieve themselves of Salisbury, Joe Theisman and Michael Irvin. Surely Theisman and Irvin had more distinguished NFL careers than did Salisbury and they probably earned more money than he did. But none of the three – with no regard to their on-field abilities or limitations – was all that good behind a microphone. To put a perspective on this however, the best football player on ESPN is probably Emmitt Smith and he is just plain awful on the air. No matter how good he was on the field, there is no reason that Emmitt Smith should continue to infest the public airways. Nevertheless, it is the second part of Salisbury’s statement here that concerns me; he thinks he has turned himself into a brand.

Please understand that Crystal Pepsi was a brand; so was Edsel. Despite the newspeak of “branding”, all brands are not good - - and when it comes to “movies”, I don’t see Sean Salisbury being on the A-List for key roles in meaningful films any time soon. In fact, the thing that his “brand” probably points him toward are those Saturday morning football gambling shows where folks yell into the microphone to tell us how they are a documented 85% against the number and that you have to call them now on their 1-900 number to get this week’s 50-star selection that is guaranteed to cover or the rest of the year is free… You know the shows I am talking about; you have all seen them and you have all changed the channel after watching them for about 3 minutes.

Finally, here is an observation from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“FSU quarterback Xavier Lee announced he is entering the NFL Draft. There is a phrase for that. It is called ‘retiring from football.’ “

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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The NFL Free Agent Season is about to happen. Coming on the heels of the hugely over-hyped and largely meaningless NFL Scouting Combine, the Free Agent Season represents the time of year when fanboys of all teams can race to their keyboards and knock out mock-drafts and recommend free agent signings and propose trades wherein their team gets three All-Pro players in exchange for a second string fullback, a player in drug rehab and an eleventh round pick next year. When you read this kind of nonsense, please remember there are only seven rounds in the NFL Draft…

Some folks who pay attention to actual NFL contracts and what teams might be able to do in terms of signings have said this is a “lean year” for free agents. From my look at who is available on the open market, I would say there are slim pickings out there given how many solid players would be on the open market had they not had a franchise tag applied. There are still a few quality players out there but there are more question marks than the raving fanboys would want to admit.

Just a short aside here. I live in the Washington DC suburbs; around here, fans are used to the fact that the Washington Redskins make personnel moves every March that turns them into a juggernaut that no other team in the NFL could possibly measure up to. Around here, this is called the Spring Super Bowl and the Redskins win it every year - - sadly,their free agent signings and draftees usually show up without that big red “S” on their chests once the season begins.

Let me give you a partial list of quality players who might have been available this year had it not been for the franchise tag:

Ken Hamlin: A solid safety who makes plays.

Nnamdi Asomugha: The second best CB with an expiring contract.

Dallas Clark: Franchised and then signed to a long-term deal.

Jordan Gross: A more than adequate offensive tackle.

Some teams used franchise tags for mysterious reasons. The Eagles prevented L.J. Smith from hitting the free market. Smith is not a bad player, but he is hardly a player who cannot be replaced - - witness the fact that the Eagles seem to have to replace him several times a year when he is injured. Even more shocking to me was the Cardinals’ decision to make Karlos Dansby (he’s a linebacker in case you have never heard of him) their franchise player. Dansby does not embarrass himself on the field, but he is in no danger of being considered “great”.

If a team is looking for a wide receiver, Randy Moss is a free agent. Someone on sports radio said he thought it would take $25M guaranteed and at least three years to sign Randy Moss. When he is healthy and motivated, he is indeed a great receiver, but he is neither always healthy nor motivated. So, signing him might be a huge gamble with a big reward as a possibility. In addition, Bertrand Berrian is also likely to hit the free agent marketplace. Berrian will make a spectacular catch on a 50-yard play and then drop the next pass that hits him in both hands with no defender near him. One report said he wants a minimum of $8M a year over 5 years. Caveat emptor…

If a team is looking for a linebacker, Lance Briggs is a free agent. There is no doubt he can play. There is also no doubt that he is less than committed to keeping his word. Remember, he said he would never – ever, ever – play another down for the Chicago Bears before he signed his contract and played all last season.

If a team is looking for a cornerback, Asante Samuel is a free agent. Assuming that you do not consider him the NFL version of Bill Buckner for missing that critical – and not all that difficult – interception in the Super Bowl, Samuel could be a prized addition to just about any team.

If a team is looking for a running back, Michael Turner is a free agent – and Michael Turner is a good running back who has not gotten enough recognition because he plays behind LaDanian Tomlinson in San Diego.

If a team is looking for an offensive tackle, Flozell Adams is a free agent. When he is on his game, Adams is dominating. When he is off his game, he is prone to false starts and susceptible to speed rushers coming around the corner. You just know that there are a dozen coaches out there who are absolutely certain that they have the formula to assure he is always on his game.

If a team is looking for a defensive lineman, there may be some available via cuts this year:

Darwin Walker is already out there; I suspect his agent might be like the “Maytag Repairman.”

Shaun Rogers might be available because he seems to have worn out his welcome in – and eaten his way out of – Detroit.

Jevon Kearse ought to be available too; he is a shadow of his former self; injuries and Father Time have reduced “The Freak” to “The Squeak”.

Marcus Spears might also be available for the right price – something more than an “eleventh round pick”; he was a recent first round pick and he has not come close to living up to that billing yet.

Returning to the news is the Duke Lacrosse Case. Thirty-six members of the Duke Lacrosse team – the one that held “the party” and the one that had its season canceled and the one that had its coach fired – have filed suit against Duke University in Federal court. The plaintiffs claim “emotional distress” from going through a “horrifying personal nightmare” due in large part to the way in which the university dealt with this matter. I have said all along that the actions of the administration at Duke were draconian and premature at the very best and now a court will decide if the university has a financial culpability here.

Instead of gathering facts on its own or waiting to see a more complete set of evidence, the administration and many of the faculty at Duke rushed to judgment. In the end, no charges ever made it to trial; the investigative processes would be flattered if called “questionable” and the prosecutor was disbarred. Granted that no one associated with the university did anything to make all that turn out the way it did, but the school’s actions were such that they would have been appropriate only if the case had proceeded to some state where there was evidence that a crime actually happened. The case did not do that.

Obviously, the university’s lawyer says the case is without merit and that Duke has offered to help the plaintiffs and their families to “move on”. It will be interesting to hear what a Federal judge has to say about the merits of the case when Duke files its obligatory motion to dismiss the case because it has no merit.

As I always point out when discussing legal matters here, I am not an attorney. Having said that, here is one way that the case could have a huge measure of merit. If the plaintiffs can show that the school administrators had access to exculpatory evidence and acted in its draconian way in spite of that exculpatory evidence, there might be a drain on that endowment fund in Durham NC. Do not say that cannot possibly be the case; that is exactly the behavior that got the prosecutor disbarred…

Finally, speaking of motions to dismiss Federal charges, here is a comment from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“Barry Bonds’ attorneys have asked a federal judge to dismiss perjury charges because the questions posed to him by prosecutors were confusing and ‘’frequently compound.'’ Meaning that, on top of his lying about steroid use, Barry apparently isn’t real bright, either.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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It’s time for some NFL commentary - - even if you will have to excuse me for not focusing on the workout stats for players at the NFL Combine. The NFL Network (NFLN) has not become the universally accepted sports property that the owners envisioned it would become when they launched the idea. Most of the big cable systems have stiff-armed the NFL’s demands that they make NFLN part of their basic package while the NFL still intended to charge the operators a hefty subscriber fee. And then in December last year, the network made what seemed to be a good PR move by making the final regular season game between the 15-0 Pats and the NY Giants available to everyone by putting it on network over-the-air TV too.

Fans who paid extra for the channel felt as if they had been betrayed. Much worse, those carriers who put NFLN in the basic package felt hosed - - and carriers have the means to “get even”. Dish Network used to offer NFLN as part of the basic satellite TV package; not any more, they don’t. As of today, Dish Network has moved NFLN up to a higher level of subscription and the basic result is that NFLN is now available in even fewer households. There are 113 million households in the US with TVs; in the wake of the Dish Network change in service, NFLN is now available in only 31 million; that’s less than 28% for those of you keeping score at home.

There is talk that the NFL owners might opt to negate some of the final years of the current CBA sometime later this year meaning that 2009 would be a normal season and 2010 would be an “uncapped year” - - because the only reason a salary cap exists and is permissible under anti-trust laws is that the union and management have bargained to create it and its limitations. Then comes the “threat” of a lockout in 2011.

Folks, if the NFL owners and the NFLPA are stupid enough to get to the point of a lockout, each and every one of them should be branded as dumb enough to take an hour to cook Minute Rice. This is an “industry” that generates billions of dollars of revenue per year, humongous profits for the owners and outrageous salaries for the players. If all those folks cannot figure out how to keep milking that cash cow, they should all be taken away and isolated from the rest of humanity lest they contaminate the gene pool. Have any of the people involved in decision making here noticed how great things are for the NHL after they lost a season to a lockout about 3 years ago?

Allow me to give you a minor example of the amount of money involved with the NFL that goes above and beyond the reporting of player contracts. Once the new Cowboys’ stadium is finished in Texas, some of the fans there will be asked to fork over $150K as a “personal seat license fee”. For that $150K, they get one thing and one thing only’; they then have the option to purchase season tickets for that seat at $340 per game. Oh yes, exhibition games in August will be mandatory buys. Can you imagine what the Cowboys might be thinking of charging their fans if they had actually put teams on the field sometime in the last decade that had actually won a playoff game?

In the Cowboys’ current venue, lower level club seats from end-zone to end-zone cost $130 per game; all of them will cost $340 per game in the new stadium; in round numbers, that is a 150% price increase. And those $150K seat licenses represent a more than minor increase over each and every other seat license fee in the NFL; currently, the most expensive ones are in Carolina where they cost $12K. The Cowboys could take in $250 – 350M in seat license fees alone. Now, tell me again how any of the “economic issues” are so thorny that they cannot be resolved in time to assure that this kind of cash tsunami remains uninterrupted…

Rex Grossman will be back with the Bears next year - - but he only has a one-year deal. I must say that I don’t get that. If the guy whom you project to be a major competitor for your starting QB job is not worth at least a three-year deal, why do you think he can be your starting QB? Let me say that if he is indeed the starting QB, Rex Grossman puts a huge burden on the Bears’ defensive unit. How does he do that?

Winning in the NFL relates closely to winning the turnover battle in any given game.

In his last 24 games, Rex Grossman has thrown 27 INTs and fumbled the ball 14 times. Even if the Bears only lost half of those fumbles, Grossman turns the ball over about 1.5 times per game.

So - - - the Bears defense starts out needing to get 2 turnovers every game just to be “competitive”. That’s a lot of pressure on the defense.

I need to comment on reports related to Oregon QB, Dennis Dixon. Before I get nasty e-mail/comments from Oregon fans about how heartless I am or how I might be a racist because I thought it possible to make negative comments about a Black quarterback, please recall that I said that Oregon suffered a humongous setback when it had a shot at the BCS championship game once Dennis Dixon was injured. I said he was the guy who made that offense run; he was their most valuable player. I do not deny for an instant that he has some major football skills.

HOW-EVAH, [/Stephen A. Smith] Dennis Dixon did himself no favors at all in terms of his draft standing when reports surfaced in Oregon papers that Dixon and Darius Miles went to a Portland strip club together recently. While I do not frequent strip clubs, I have no problem with men who find that kind of thing entertaining. I would always rather watch a good game on TV; but that’s just me. The problem for Dennis Dixon here is the company he kept that evening - - and I do not refer to any of the women whose chosen profession is to take their clothes off as a way to entertain the “gentlemen” in the house.

Dennis Dixon has been in Oregon for the last four years. He has made the academic all-conference team; so, he is not a dumb-bunny. And so he has to know that going out on the town with Darius Miles anywhere in Oregon is tantamount to keeping bad company. Dennis Dixon is rehabbing his knee at the moment so NFL teams may have some questions about his football readiness; the last thing he needed to do is give them reason to question his judgment. But he did just that.

Because the Washington Redskins control the news coming out of their organization almost as tightly as did Sadaam Hussein just before and during the Iraq hostilities, it’s hard to know what is real and what is PR spin. But there are reports that the reason that Jim Zorn and Greg Blache were hired as offensive and defensive coordinators in the first place was because head coaching candidate Jim Fassel said those were the guys he would target if he got the head-coaching job. Having heard that and then acted on his suggestion/advice, the Redskins’ brass then also decided that Jim Fassel was not the guy to be the head coach of the team - - and so they goosed Jim Zorn up into that head-coaching role and then hired a new offensive coordinator.

Look, I have no idea if Jim Zorn will be a great NFL head coach or if he will be a huge hiring error. By the way, neither does anyone else; the jury will probably not be in on that question for at least two seasons - - assuming that the Skins have too much talent to do a 1-15 snooze-fest as did the Dolphins for Cam “One-And-Done” Cameron. But does any of this make any logical sense to you?

Finally, the reports and the commentaries related to the Patriots and “Spygate” continue to escalate and become more conspiratorial as the days go by. Here is when you’ll know that this story has taken on a life of its own:

Senator Arlen Specter – previously a staff person for the Warren Commission – reveals that there is reason to believe that Bill Belichick was in fact on the grassy knoll in Dallas on that fateful day. He wasn’t there with a rifle; he was there with a movie camera filming everything.

And now that you mention it, has anyone ever seen Bill Belichick and Abraham Zapruder in the same room together…?

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Indiana University bought out Kelvin Sampson’s contract over the weekend for $750K. In light of the lawsuit that Jim O’Brien won against Ohio State for wrongful termination when he was found to have violated NCAA rules, this buyout is probably a safe way out for the university. Whether or not you get a bit queasy when a serial rule breaker is able to walk away from this kind of situation unharmed and with $750K in hand, there is another part of the story that I find even more unsettling.

I read a report that one of the IU boosters is putting up $550K of this buyout. Obviously, this booster is completely within his rights to spend his money however he wants to spend it. Nevertheless, to say this is an unseemly thing to have on the record of any university would be an understatement.

By the way, what was that threatened boycott by the half-dozen or so seniors on the team all about? These players did not show up for practice on Friday of last week as a protest with regard to the buyout offer to Coach Sampson and the naming of Dan Dakich as the interim coach instead of another assistant coach that the seniors preferred. Then they traveled with the team for a weekend game (surprise, surprise!) and they played in the game (disgusting!). So, who should be awarded the Wuss of the Week Award here? The players for their threats none of which they backed up - - or the school for allowing them to play less than 48 hours after making those threats? Personally, I think there was enough “wussiness” shown here for everyone involved to share the award.

Last week I wrote that the NBA was beyond embarrassing. The fact that their rules actually allow Keith Van Horn to be traded to the Nets such that he has to show up and sit on their bench for a month in order to collect $4.3M and that act is what permits a trade to comply with NBA rules is horrific. However, the multi-team deal involving the Bulls and the Cavs may be even more horrific.

The Cavs had to sign a D-League player to their roster for a Friday night game against the Wizards last week just to have the minimum number of warm bodies on their bench for the game. The reason is that none of the players that they acquired in the trade on Thursday was yet eligible to play. No, the players were not protesting or dragging their feet. After all, getting from Chicago to Cleveland is not exactly the most daunting voyage in the world since Sir Earnest Shackleton last went to Antarctica. The reason is that the league had not cleared them to play because all of the players had not yet had a physical exam with their new teams and that meant it was still all up in the air.

So, the fans in Cleveland paid top dollar to see half of their team show up with a D-League guy to play the Wizards. Any chance the Cavs rebated part of the ticket price since this was clearly a junior varsity game and not what those fans who purchased tix in advance were paying for? If you believe that, you probably have this kind of bumper sticker on your car:

Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet

Speaking of that Cavs’ trade, I’ve seen far too many articles written around the theme that team management finally went out and got poor LeBron James some help. Really? Ben Wallace was hardly the player he was made out to be in Chicago; Wally Szczerbiak is now with his fourth team in his career and his third in the last 25 months indicating to me that he might not be “special”; if Joe Smith played baseball, his nickname might be “Player To Be Named Later” because he’s been with eight different teams and has been with two of those teams twice; Delonte West has potential which means he hasn’t achieved bupkes as of yet. If LeBron was carrying the team by himself prior to this trade, I think he better gird his loins for a lot more toting after the trade…

The numbers are in on the NBA All-Star Game. The TV ratings were lower than they have ever been; for the last two years, the rating has been 4.3, this year they came in at 3.8. Fifteen years ago, the NBA All-Star Game drew a rating of 14.3. Five years ago, the number for the NBA All-Star Game was 8.2. Despite David Stern’s rose-colored glasses, the interest in the NBA All-Star game is plummeting. Half of the old XFL games in its one season of existence drew ratings near or above 3.8…

There is one Spring Training story that I do not understand. The Cardinals invited Juan Gonzalez to come to their camp and compete for a spot on the team. I believe that Juan Gonzalez has appeared in one game in the past two seasons and he has a history of not making it through a full season of baseball even when he was young. He was never a guy who you would put into a game in the ninth inning for defensive purposes, so what are the Cards thinking here? Is their minor league system so bereft of outfield prospects that they need to do this?

I’m not sure I understand the thinking of the San Diego Padres either. Jim Edmonds and Brian Giles used to be excellent players but both seem to be on the downside of their careers. On the mound, they are looking to have two “often injured pitchers” in their rotation (Mark Prior and Randy Wolf). Padres’ fans better hope their farm system is not bereft of talent at several positions…

Since this is the time when hope springs eternal for baseball fans everywhere and seems to flourish even more luxuriantly in Chicago Cubs’ land than most anywhere else, let me offer a proposition wager here:

OVER/UNDER on the date when Kerry Wood suffers his annual season ending injury - - June 6th.

Brian McNamee says he shot Roger Clemens in the butt with HGH. It appears that he also shot Debbie Clemens in the butt with HGH too; and if that was not a more enjoyable experience for Mr. McNamee, then his is a sad existence. Roger Clemens says that the only thing he took as shots in the butt were Vitamin B-12 and lidocaine. Now, in light of the photos alleging to show that Roger Clemens was indeed at that party at José Canseco’s house ten years ago after he testified under oath that he was never at said party, I suspect that Clemens and his annoying attorney are wondering if there is a shot that can give him immunity to a perjury indictment.

Finally, here are two cogent comments on the Roger Clemens situation:

Did Roger Clemens attend Jose Canseco’s barbecue? Clemens should check with his appointment & inoculation secretary, Miss Remembers. [Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle]

Clemens is in new trouble over photos that show him attending a 1998 party at Jose Canseco’s house in Miami, which Clemens had denied under federal oath. I’m not sure what is more embarrassing. That he lied, or that he was at a Jose Canseco party. [Greg Cote, Miami Herald]

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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The most dangerous time of the year is upon NFL football fans. The NFL Scouting Combine looms. Your favorite team just might fall in love with a “workout wonder” who does all kinds of speed and strength drills very well - - but he will not be able to play football all that well. Do the names Mike Mamula and Adam Archuletta ring any bells? Or, your favorite team might pore over the test scores and the psychological profile of an athlete and determine that he is going to fit right in to your team’s clubhouse and community - - just like Michael Vick did or Ryan Leaf did. As they used to say at the shift briefing on Hill Street Blues, “Be careful out there.”

The folks who run the Metro Atlantic Athletic Conference (MAAC) have an interesting situation on their hands. Siena is part of that conference and after a recent loss, the wife of the Siena coach arrived in the press debriefing room ahead of her husband. Reportedly, she said:

“Here’s your headline: We got hosed! [Name deleted] is a horrendous official.”

Later, with her husband taking questions from the press, she made other candid and less than flattering remarks about the officiating that night such that her husband had to ask her to stifle herself – ever so politely of course. So, what might the MAAC gurus do? If the coach had said those things, disciplinary action would be a certainty; but how does a conference sanction a coach’s wife? Or, do they let this ride and create a large loophole in the rules of decorum that maintain order and balance among coaches and officials?

The NY Knicks lost a game to the Sixers a couple of days ago by 40 points. They were behind by 36 at halftime and somnambulated through the game. The Knicks are a bad team; there isn’t much question about that but the Sixers should not be able to beat any pro team by 40 points unless every player on the losing squad has to track an IV bag on a pole around with them. The Sixers scored 36 points on fast breaks in that game.

Isiah Thomas reportedly tried to make several deals before the trading deadline. None of them reached fruition; so this is the Knicks team that will limp its way to the end of the season. Reportedly, Thomas wanted to acquire Vince Carter from the Nets. I do not know how anyone might think that Vince Carter is the guy to go after to cure the condition that your team plays nonchalantly. Oh, did I mention that the 40-point loss to the Sixers is not the Knicks’ worst loss this season?

Part of that rumored trade with the Nets that never happened would have sent Eddy Curry to the Miami Heat. I presume that Curry is smart enough to realize that the Knicks stink, but he has to feel just a bit better than he will not be parachuted into Miami and the shadow of Shaquille O’Neal - - even the shadow of the late-in-the-career, often-injured, part-time Shaquille O’Neal.

Until now, I never understood the English idiom “to get out of somewhere in the nick of time”. Now I get it. Larry Brown escaped New York and the Madison Square Garden clown show in the “Knicks of time”. That says it all…

Someone paid $16M for a racehorse named The Green Monkey two years ago. That is not a typo… The Green Monkey is now four years old and is being retired to stud. Even if you follow horseracing closely, you may not be familiar with the racing achievements of this noble steed - - because there really aren’t any. The Green Monkey started a total of three races in his three-year-old “campaign”. He finished third in one of them and fourth in the other two. His earnings on the track totaled $10,240. At that rate of earning, he would have to race for 1562 years just to earn back his purchase price. Not likely…

The owner of the breeding farm where The Green Monkey will service mares says that the horse “thinks he’s a champion.” No one ever said horses were high on the intelligence scale for quadrupeds but you do have to question the mental processes of someone who admits that he can read a horse’s mind. So, if you owned a mare that you wanted to breed, would you pay actual money to have The Green Monkey “do his thing” with her under the care and supervision of a hominid who can read The Green Monkey’s mind? Just asking…

Dwight Perry had this line in the Seattle Times regarding the future for The Green Monkey:

“The steed’s owners plan to put him out to stud and resist the urge to rename him Carl Pavano.”

It was not all that long ago when Britney Spears’ family and friends did an intervention and got her to a hospital for care because of what was described as her “fragile mental state.” There were reports that Ms. Spears had not slept for several days and was disoriented. If the doctors can get keep her stable and in a regular sleep cycle for the next couple of months, help will be on the way. The WNBA season starts on 17 May and Ms. Spears can get herself a variety of season ticket packages such that she will see games every night. That will get her the rest she needs…

Whatever happened to Floyd Landis, Steve Bartman and Sam Bowie? It’s enough to make you believe in alien abductions…

Finally, here is another observation from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times:

“Dolphins linebacker Channing Crowder was cited for careless driving and leaving an accident scene after he smashed his pickup truck into a tree alongside Florida’s Turnpike and abandoned it, the Palm Beach Post reported, leaving local fans stunned that a defender on a team that finished 1-15 finally hit something.

“He faces a maximum sentence of 60 days in jail and another year with the Dolphins.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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The Indiana University basketball program has been in the news regarding NCAA violations laid at the feet of Kelvin Sampson. The level of embarrassment for the school should have reached “politician proportion” by now for a couple of reasons including:

1. The violations are the same ones Sampson committed at Oklahoma and got caught doing there.

2. Sampson used to be the head of the college basketball coaches’ group (whatever it calls itself) and spearheaded the “ethics efforts” there.

Based on what the NCAA sleuths say – and recalling that those folks are only even money favorites to track a wounded yak through six feet of snow – Sampson was less than forthcoming with them and with the IU administrators when all of these shenanigans first game to light. Lots of people have called for Sampson’s firing or for his suspension from the team at the very least. If the school finally gets off its collective duff and makes a decision on that matter one way or the other, it would behoove Kelvin Sampson to have a career option upon which to fall back. Here is a suggestion for his agent:

Pitch Kelvin Sampson to Verizon as their new spokesperson – just in case the “Can-you-hear-me-now-guy” ever gets caught in a compromising situation with a barnyard creature.

Mark Cuban is an IU alum. If you have read these rants for any period of time, you know that I think that many of Mark Cuban’s ideas are really out in left field and some of them are out in interplanetary space. Nevertheless, I have to applaud Cuban for a comment he made in GQ Magazine. Someone asked Cuban if he would be the sugar daddy that would help IU build a new field house and he said he would not. Here is his reason:

“People ask me if I’m going to be building a new Assembly Hall for them, and the answer is no chance. Of all the places you can put your money, it’s not the most effective place. I’m a huge IU basketball fan but I’m also a critic of the NCAA student-athlete hypocrisy.”

I am not sure if his criticism of the “NCAA student-athlete hypocrisy” is the same as mine, but it is clear from his statement that we both recognize the lunacy of the NCAA in that dimension.

ESPN has announced that it will reduce the role of Suzy Kolber and Michele Tafoya as sideline reporters on MNF next year. Might I suggest that they could take this concept to its logical conclusion and reduce those roles to ZERO and it would be a benefit for everyone – including Ms. Kolber and Ms. Tafoya? I doubt that anyone would misconstrue my position on sideline reporters; they are generally useless contrivances in a sporting event that serve only to interrupt the flow of the game and insert meaningless pap into the reporting. Every sideline reporting job should be eliminated.

Having said that, let me say that Suzy Kolber and Michele Tafoya are very good sports reporters and both of them perform very well in studio show settings or in discussion settings. [I do not recall ever hearing either do play-by-play, so I cannot say if either is any good at that.] If these folks are no longer encumbered by having to waste their time and ours with content-free sound bites from the sidelines, ESPN can use them in other setting where they might add to the entertainment and education of the viewing audience. Let us hope that is the case.

Now that I have said something positive about the movers and shakers at ESPN, permit me to let you in on some boneheaded thinking that seems to be ongoing in Bristol, CT. Dave Darling reported in the Orlando Sentinel that “…there are reports the network will bring back studio analyst Emmitt Smith.” Here is what I said about Emmitt Smith’s value in the studio back on 1 Feb 2008; I have not changed my mind:

However, Emmitt Smith is – plainly and simply – a disaster behind a microphone. If the US Congress ever passed a law making English the official language of the United States, Emmitt Smith on television might be considered a felony. I wonder if the person at ESPN who interviewed Emmitt Smith for the job and found Smith’s grammar, syntax and pronunciation of simple English words to be “insufficiently horrid so as to be instantly embarrassing” would stand up and identify himself/herself. If that person can be found, it should be a firing offense at ESPN.

Time for a surprise quiz, folks. Put your books and notes away. You have thirty minutes to answer the following question in 500 words or less:

What is the biggest waste of time and energy and the greatest contributor to the entropy death of the universe and why:

The Pro Bowl

“Educational materials” prepared by PETA

Congressional Committee hearings on baseball

Any random NCAA Study Committee?

Regarding the inability of sports figures to tell the truth these days, Brad Rock wrote and excellent column in the Deseret Morning News yesterday. I commend it to your reading.

Finally, here is another item from Brad Rock in another of his columns in the Deseret Morning News:

“And finally, Randy Spetman is gone as Utah State’s athletics director.

“Spetman took a similar job at Florida State this week — at triple the salary.

“Still, you gotta wonder: What is he thinking?

“If he wants a bad football team that is a shell of its former self and usually gets beat by its in in-state rivals, why leave Logan?”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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For the record, I don’t care if the Dallas Mavericks trade for Jason Kidd or Captain Kidd. My real interest in the NBA is still months into the future. However, the trade that went down between Dallas and New Jersey ought to be an embarrassment of gargantuan proportion for the NBA. When the first iteration of this trade was going down, Jerry Stackhouse let it be known that the Nets would release him and then he would sit out the league mandatory 30 days and then rejoin the Mavericks. Since that was done with a wink and a nod, it shows that the entire concept of salary matching in a trade is a meaningless sham. Moreover, in the second iteration of the trade, the salary cap match was achieved by including Keith Van Horn in the trade. Van Horn has not played in a long time; he was Dallas’ property so they paid him to “unretire” and be part of this sham deal. If David Stern isn’t embarrassed by this, he ought to be.

By the way, might the Lakers include Wilt Chamberlain in some future deal? They could pay his estate for him to “unretire” and then the receiving team could cut him. Just because Wilt is dead should not preclude him from being part of an NBA salary matching exercise. Wilt would have the same intention of playing next week as Keith Van Horn does. And even in his extremely low metabolic state, he might be just as good…

Speaking of players who are not able to play in the NBA, did you ever wonder what happens to players that you heard about in college but who never seemed to make it in the pros? Some wind up in European, Australian or Israeli leagues and make comfortable livings and six-figure salaries if they are good enough to play at that level. For others they play in the “D-League” or the NBA Developmental League.

In the NBA, the minimum salary is $427,163 per year; in the D-league, the maximum salary is $26K. And while on travel, D-League players get a less than generous $30 as per diem.

In the NBA, teams visit cities such as NY, Chicago, LA and Dallas. In the D-League, players get to plumb the depths of culture in Boise, Fort Wayne, Sioux Falls and Bakersfield.

If you check out the rosters in the D-League you’ll find some names that ring a bell from the past such as Nick Fazekas, DerMarr Johnson, Jelani McCoy, Kevin Pittsnogle and Yuta Tabuse - - once proclaimed as “The Japanese Jordan”. You can find out if one of your old favorites is toiling in the D-League by checking here.

The NBA is dwindling in popularity despite David Stern’s happy-face remarks about the state of the league. Harris Interactive did a poll on America’s favorite sports. Obviously, the NFL was first. Then came baseball, college football, NASCAR and hockey in slots 2 through 5. The NBA was tied for sixth with college basketball and golf. That is not a typo; the NBA come in behind NASCAR and the NHL in terms of being the favorite sport of Americans. There was a time not all that long ago when the NBA finished at #3 in this same poll; not now…

I can understand why college basketball has declined in popularity; it is grossly overexposed on television. The cable networks and the networks run by local cable providers show multiple dozens of games every weekend and a bunch during the week. But you cannot make that argument to explain the NBA drop. There have to more fundamental problems there.

By the way, horseracing, bowling and men’s soccer tied for ninth place in this poll. Each was named as the favorite sport by 2% of the people participating in the poll. I am shocked that bowling and horse racing did so well in the poll. I am surprised that soccer did so poorly - - seeing as how David Beckham arrived here last year to revolutionize the way soccer is perceived in America.

Now that the Congressional hearings regarding baseball and steroids are over, I have a question for you. Assume you have a vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame and you MUST vote to save the life of a loved one. By the way, you may assume that Dr. Kevorkian is not available to give you that option either… Now, rank order these gentlemen in the order you would vote them into the Hall of Fame:

Barry Bonds
Roger Clemens
Mark McGwire
Pete Rose

Now that the Congressional hearings regarding baseball and steroids are over, I have a role-playing situation for you. Put yourself in a position where you are part of the Disney Corp. braintrust. You have this upcoming event in a few weeks called “ESPN The Weekend”; it is at Walt Disney World; you’ve been hyping it for about 4 months now; it’s a big deal. One of your star attractions at that event is Roger Clemens.

Your move, Brainiac…

Now that the Congressional hearings regarding baseball and steroids are over, I wonder if you had the same fantasy as I did when you watched them. I wanted someone to rush into the room armed to the teeth, to seize control of the room and to inject everyone (questioners and answerers) with sodium pentothal. Now that we have a consensus that waterboarding is illegal, that would probably be the only way to get at the truth in this matter. I actually laughed aloud when one of the Congressional inquisitors declared that someone in this room was lying. I wonder if it really took him until the morning of the hearing to figure that one out. Let me be very clear about something here; if there is any group of people on the planet who would be experts in recognizing a lie and a person telling a lie, it would have to be a Congressional Committee. As the old line goes, the best way to tell if a Congressthing is lying is to check to see if its lips are moving…

Now that the Congressional hearings regarding baseball and steroids are over, I need some help with something here. I was not a theology major in college and do not profess to be an expert in religious matters. However, I do notice that many athletes communicate with God and are quick to use their success as a way to give glory to God. I have no quarrel with that whatsoever, but can someone explain to me why God has never told any of those athletes that taking steroids and/or HGH may not be the perfect way to glorify Him?

Finally, now that the Congressional hearings regarding baseball and steroids are over, here are three comments and observations by Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle:

1. “What happened in that congressional committee hearing is that Roger Clemens mistruthified.”

2. “Clemens can produce a receipt for a round of golf he played nine years ago! Forget about the Rocket’s alleged drug use, perjury and nanny-tampering, I want to know more about his filing system.”

3. “If someone told me my name came up in a steroid investigation that was going to lead to a published report, and asked me if I’d like to come in and set the record straight, I’d say, ‘No thanks, I’ll wait a couple months and state my case before Congress.’ “

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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I spent last weekend in suburban Philadelphia preparing for my next incarnation as a beast of burden. My brother-in-law was closing one of the stores that he owns and we schlepped “stuff” - - he calls it “inventory” - - from the soon to be defunct locale to other surviving locales. That earned me the opportunity to listen to sports radio in Philly and had me tuned in when Senator Arlen Specter called in to tell two of the hosts there that he did not have his head up his butt regarding his questioning of Roger Goodell and the handling of “Spygate”. No one could call the exchange of views here “illuminating” or “informative”. It was pure politics even though the radio hosts have never been elected to any office. They said they thought the Senator was wasting his time; the Senator said he was doing a public service. Moreover, they said it to each other over and over and over and… So, tell me just how this differs from one of our Presidential “debates”?

I do not think Senator Specter is stupid; he has proven that he is not. Nevertheless, I do not believe that there is any reason for the US Senate – or as they like to refer to themselves, The Greatest Deliberative Body On Earth – to deal with “Spygate”. The Senator demeans himself and the institution of the Senate by saying that he thinks it is possible that the New England Patriots violated the Industrial Espionage Act of Whenever and that is the basis for scrutiny by the Senate.

Please recall that I am not an attorney and have never spent a day of my life in law school. Having said that, I believe that the intent of that act was to criminalize the theft of industrial secrets in those situations where the theft had a direct and meaningful deleterious effect on the United States of America. The law intended to protect intellectual property rights and paid homage to the damage industrial espionage might do to interstate commerce - - which gave the Congress justification for acting in the first place.

Ladies and gentlemen, even if the New England Patriots filmed the practices of all of its opponents and secretly bugged the meetings in which the coaches and players described their hand signals for an upcoming game, I fail to see how this might have a direct and meaningful deleterious effect on the United States of America. Americans love NFL football, but there is nothing about the NFL that begins to qualify as a significant foundation piece for American society. If the NFL dried up and blew away tonight, the United States would continue to exist.

If Senator Specter really believes that the Industrial Espionage Act covers any or all of the things that may or may not have happened with regard to “Spygate”, then Senator Specter and every one of his colleagues in the Congress that passed that legislation deserves censure for writing such an ambiguous law. Stealing signs in football and baseball is not a crime; it may not be within the rules of those games but it is not a crime.

Consider the case where an eighth grade history class is taking an exam on the Civil War. Student A has not studied all that well but is seated conveniently close to Student B who has studied well and is very interested in history to begin with. Student A copies answers from Student B’s paper and submits them as his own. Now suppose all of this comes to light after the papers have been graded and the grades recorded by the teacher.

1. Student A has “misappropriated” the intellectual property of Student B in the sense that A stole B’s answers to test questions.

2. Student A has certainly violated the rules of any classroom/ school test situation.

3. Realizing that Student A and Student B are not likely to be sitting across state lines in a classroom, would this behavior be even remotely related to the intentions of the Industrial Espionage Act if they were?

4. “Spygate” is a lot closer to “cheating on a test” than it is to “criminal behavior”.

The other topic on Philly sports radio last weekend had to do with the NBA All-Star Game - - BORING!! - - and David Stern’s expression of a desire to expand the NBA into Europe. Allow me to summarize my feelings about NBA expansion of any type – within North America or into Europe or on an inter-galactic scale – in just a few words:

This is stupid beyond belief.

The National Basketball Association is already over-expanded. There are far too many marginal players on the court for significant fractions of games. In the NBA of 2008, all it takes to be a championship contender is two outstanding players and a bunch of other guys to fill out the rosters who can avoid tripping over their shoelaces on 90% of their excursions up and down the court. There are too many teams and two few very good players; it’s really as simple as that.

In addition, there are not enough cities in the US that are top-shelf markets for NBA franchises – as the league is learning. The franchises in Atlanta, Memphis, Miami and New Orleans will always struggle unless they are putting a championship product on the floor. Please note, that cannot happen to all four franchises simultaneously. The franchises in Charlotte, Indiana, New Jersey and Sacramento are better than the four mentioned previously, but those markets would politely be described as soft. Add to those eight situations the simple fact that the LA Clippers are the “poor relatives” in the LA market; they have been since the day they moved there and will remain so for the near future.

Note I have not even mentioned the franchises in Seattle and Portland where raging battles over new arenas and arena ownership and lease terms are ongoing. Notice I have not mentioned the inability of the NBA to attract and retain quality owners for every existing franchise; before anyone thinks that’s unimportant let me only give you the names of 10% of their ownership list:

James Dolan

George Shinn

Donald Sterling

Expansion of the NBA is a bad idea. If David Stern wants a big footprint in Europe, then he should take a half dozen of the existing teams in bad markets or soft markets and move those franchises to Athens, Helsinki, Istanbul, Paris, Prague and Sarajevo. However, he needs to recognize that folks in those towns are not used to paying the same prices for a seat at a basketball game that NBA teams in the US have become accustomed to charging. Nor is it likely that local TV/radio deals will be as lucrative as they are here in the States and the time-zone differences will make live coverage of European Division games here less than commanding TV scheduling for US fans.

If you disagree, get some friends together and see if you can scrape up enough money to get hold of one of those new NBA franchises that will be available in Europe. If you are lucky, someone else will get the franchise.

Finally, an observation from Brad Rock in the Deseret Morning News:

“The Lingerie Bowl, a TV event not affiliated with the Super Bowl, was canceled for the second straight year, claiming a problem with negotiations.

“Which proves you can’t simply put bikini bimbos on TV and expect success. You have to have talent, too.

“Otherwise, there would be no such thing as Baywatch.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Back in December, I pointed you to Gene Collier’s column in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette related to his awarding of the Trite Trophy for sports writers and announcers. In no way, do I intend to compete with that work; it is one of the highlights of the year in sports writing as far as I’m concerned. However, there are a few phrases that are horribly used - - and sometimes over-used - - by announcers. Some of them are uninformative; some just don’t mean much of anything. I don’t want to give them any kind of award for this lack of communication clarity; I just with they would stop.

For example, why can’t announcers use simple expressions of mild or constructive criticism when a team or a player isn’t doing all that well? It happens, you know… Instead, the announcers or analysts are apt to say that the team is searching for an identity. Nonsense, in most cases, the team needs to be searching for talent.

Sometimes the analysis is that the team is just missing one piece to the puzzle. Normally, when I hear that I start looking for all the other things that the team is doing next to perfectly such that one more addition will make them champions. I have to tell you that has never been the case; normally, it seems as if the reason they might be “missing a piece or two of the puzzle” is that the people in charge of the team have not a clue as to what it might take to construct a really outstanding team.

How many times have you heard that the players on a team don’t seem to be on the same page or that they seem to be playing tentatively on a particular day? Next time you hear that, start to watch closely and see if the real situation might be that there is no common strategic direction provided that would allow for them to be on the same page. Clueless and indecisive coaching/leadership are often excused with these kinds of platitudes.

Sometimes, you’ll hear that Joe Flabeetz is a “great locker room guy” or that he still has a ton to contribute to a team even though “he has lost a step/lost a foot on his fastball”. When you hear that, start to watch Joe Flabeetz closely and ask yourself these questions:

Would you re-sign this guy for next season?

Should he really have retired at the end of last season?

Usually, you will find that the answers to those two questions are - - in order - - Hell, no” and “yes”. The announcers could help us out by just saying it…

Sadly, the verbal transgressions of announcers and analysts go beyond these “little white lies” and obfuscations. Another problem that is even worse is that too many of them listen to each other and think that they are really in the business of creating new idiomatic English. Just to clarify, they are not.

How many of these folks say “back in the day”, when they mean “in the past” or “years ago”? Far too many is the answer. Here is something I know for sure; back in the day, no one said “back in the day”.

Running backs in football in 2008 are “downhill runners”. Funny, I never heard anyone refer to Jim Brown as a downhill runner. He was just a damned good running back who was tough enough to run over just about anyone – on a level field or downhill or uphill for that matter.

In order to defend against a “downhill runner” defenses need to “put a hat on” the ball carrier. Excuse me, but we are talking about a football game here and not haberdashery.

Too often you will hear an analyst conclude his thinking with the phrase “At the end of the day…”. Excuse, me, at the end of the day would be dusk. If you substitute that word for their phraseology, it doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it?

The success of many teams on many Saturdays and Sundays depends on their ability to “avoid costly penalties”. What are “cheap penalties” and is it ok for teams to incur the cheap variety? Avoiding costly penalties is a critically important strategy when discussing dealings with the IRS and the filing of one’s tax returns, but we have to listen to that kind of junk while watching a football game.

Particularly on draft day – in football and basketball – you will frequently hear about the intentions of team “going forward”. Whatever happened to “in the future” or “tomorrow”? And by the way, this particular phrase is rendered meaningless by the mere fact that time does not flow backwards in this universe. So, everyone and every team will be “going forward” whether or not that might be their preference.

The same thing goes for players who need to “play within themselves”. Think about that for a moment; precisely what choice might that player have in the matter?

On several pre-game shows, you’ll hear that some analyst is busy “working the phones”. That’s fine if he is actually employed by Verizon or if he is secretly wishes he were The Wichita Lineman. [/Glenn Campbell] Otherwise, he’s just a guy who has been making a bunch of phone calls to try to figure out what is going on because that’s his job and that’s the only reason he is collecting a paycheck from that particular pre-game show.

I really do wish that the announcers and analysts assigned to the game that we all watch would revert to simple English. But I do have to admit that the obfuscation of the English language is not confined to the announcing booth. As one simple example, consider how many people strive to find ways to spend “quality time” with someone else. In the final analysis, any time you are not sleeping on a bedpan with a feeding tube down your gullet and a respirator forcing your chest to go up and down is pretty much quality time.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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