The Sports Curmudgeon®

There have been some classic statements made by people that have come back to haunt them in the future such as Al Gore “inventing the Internet”. That makes for a useful punch line once in a while but does not make the former Vice President out to be a person whose fundamental humanity should be in question. The worst of these kinds of statements seems to come from someone in situations where no comment at all is needed. Remember Marge Schott saying that in the beginning Hitler wasn’t all that bad but that he got carried away? That’s monumentally stupid to begin with; it calls into question either Schott’s fundamental humanity and/or her possession of an intellect greater than a rutabaga; and there really wasn’t any reason for the owner of a baseball team to be talking about politics, history or Adolf Hitler in the first place.

At this moment, we have an analog to Marge Schott in the sporting world. Clinton Portis found a reason to run his yap about a subject that he obviously should have dodged and called into question his fundamental humanity and/or his possession of an intellect greater than a rutabaga. In an interview with a TV station in the Tidewater area of Virginia (WAVY-TV), Portis talked about Michael Vick and his “situation” wherein investigators are looking into allegations of dogfighting at a house that Vick owned – but did not live in – near Smithfield Virginia. Here’s what Portis told the station:

“I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not. But it’s his property; it’s his dogs. If that’s what he wants to do, do it.”

Meanwhile, teammate Chris Samuels was giggling about all this as the interview proceeded. Samuels even joked that Portis ought to watch Animal Planet if he didn’t already.

Portis seems to think that one can do in one’s home whatever it is that he wants to do. I guess that means that all spousal abuse is fine and dandy with him so long as it happens in the home. Building bombs and planning an assault on a local church/synagogue – maybe even Redskins’ Park? - would be just fine with him too so long as one did it in one’s basement. In case Portis hasn’t caught the drift here, let’s be blunt. There are certain activities that society and the legislatures that society elects deem to be sufficiently anti-social that they are NOT acceptable activities even when carried out in the privacy of one’s home. And dogfighting happens to be one of them.

I am not – under any circumstances – a PETA advocate. Most of the PETA activities are annoyingly feckless. But dogfighting, cockfighting, and bear baiting are useless endeavors that have been deemed to be criminal in just about every state in the US. [I’m sure there is a state or two that has no law on the books banning these activities and I’ll hear from an animal-fighting advocate to correct me on that issue.] And because these activities are deemed to be criminal, they should not be tolerated even if practiced in the privacy of a home. Oh, and in case Chris Samuels hasn’t figured it out either, this is not a subject to giggle about.

Any time you do something that puts your name on a list where Marge Schott is also on the list, you haven’t done yourself proud. Got that?

Another NFL story floating around out there is that the Bears will be using Devin Hester on offense this year – in addition to his kick-off and punt return duties. This is being heralded as a potentially great thing to open up the Bears’ offense. I have to see this to believe that it will work. Hester is a speed merchant; there’s no doubt about that. But the history of football is that guys who are really fast become corner backs if they can’t catch the football all that well; if they can catch, they become game-breaking wide receivers. Hester has been a cornerback – and by all accounts not a great one – all of his career.

Yes, he can fly. But there is a history lesson that fans need to recall before getting carried away here. There was a track athlete named Frank Budd back in the 1960s; he ran the 100-yard dash faster than Bob Hayes. He was signed to a contract by the Eagles in the mid-60s and lasted one year there; he then signed with the Redskins and lasted one year there. He could run like a deer; the problem was that he couldn’t catch the ball any better than your average eight-point buck. Frank Budd was faster than Devin Hester but he only lasted 2 seasons and his cumulative stats were:

27 games – 10 receptions – 1 TD.

Call me a skeptic about Devin Hester being an offensive force majeure in the NFL. I’m not saying it can’t happen but I need to be convinced with evidence…

Speaking of sprinters who can fly, the Tampa Bay Bucs worked out Justin Gatlin a couple of weeks ago. Because I don’t follow track and field nearly as closely as I used to, I believe that Gatlin is a former world record holder in the 100m dash with a time under 9.8 seconds. He also won an Olympic gold medal in 2004. That’s the good news; the bad news is that he is in the midst of a long-term ban from track and field competition for doping/steroid use; the ban is long enough that it probably amounts to a lifetime ban for a sprinter. Can someone explain to me how someone already “convicted” and punished for using performance-enhancing techniques can try out for an NFL team without immediately running afoul of the “substance-abuse policy”? And to show you how deferential the media are towards the NFL, imagine the hue and cry that would be created if MLB worked out an already convicted “performance-enhancing substance user”.

Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post noted that Detroit Red Wings had failed to sell out any of their first eight home games in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. His reaction was:

“If Detroit is Hockeytown, then Anchorage is the Bikini Capital of the World.”

Along those lines, here’s a Quick Quiz:

How long will it be until the NHL is a 16-team league?

Or, will it implode directly to a 12-team league?

Here’s a quick public service announcement for everyone. May is National Barbecue Month and May is also National Egg Month. I don’t have any recipes to share with you for barbecued eggs but maybe you can talk among yourselves and come up with an appropriate celebration activity.

Finally, here’s Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle on the Brett Favre tizzy when the Packers did not acquire Randy Moss:

“Brett Favre, the ultimate team guy in sports, was desperate to hook up with an over-the-hill, overpaid wide receiver who won’t block, won’t practice, won’t go over the middle, won’t take any responsibility, won’t assume any leadership and won’t pretend to be part of any team he’s part of. Maybe Favre knows something the Raiders don’t.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…