The Sports Curmudgeon

You know the feeling that makes you realize that you are coming down with a cold. It’s unmistakable. Well I have an analogous feeling at the moment that we are about to embark on another one of those “sports-soap-opera extravaganzas”. You know the kind I mean – something like “Will Brett Favre Retire Or Not?” I can feel the next one coming on and I just know it is really going to be trivial, insignificant, inconsequential and niggling. Of course, I’m referring to the impending fatherhood of Tom Brady. Can someone explain to me what the “news” value contained in this matter might be?

Star athlete fathers child out of wedlock… Hardly.

Movie/TV actress conceives child out of wedlock… No, that’s not it.

Star athlete fathers child with beautiful actress and then moves on to boink a supermodel… I think that’s happened before.

Folks, it’s time to move on; there’s nothing going on here that we haven’t encountered many times before. It’s not important; it’s not even interesting. I take that back; there is one interesting thing here. In the inventory of “previously run TV commercials”, there is one grouping of ads that won’t be pulled off the shelf for a reprise any time soon. Remember the ads with Tom Brady and the Pats’ offensive linemen for Visa Cards where Brady has his five layers of protection around him? Well, if he had actually used even one layer of protection, this whole story would not be happening. I think those ads are not to see the light of day again.

This does provide Brady with a chance to do some public service spots that can be used in sex-ed classes. He can try to remind folks to:

Just Wrap That Rascal…

Since Tom Brady reminds me of the NFL, allow me a rhetorical question here related to NFL braintrusts. For the last six months, Ron Rivera was a hot property in terms of becoming a head coach in the NFL. He interviewed for several positions from his job as defensive coordinator for the Bears. OK, he didn’t get any of them; that’s not all that unusual. But can someone tell me how the best job he can find now is a demotion to linebackers coach for the Chargers? Did he soil himself during those interviews?

Since I was speaking about events with no real news content, the detailed tracking of the weekend orgy that is the NBA All Star Game has run its course in terms of value as a news event. We had hosted parties; check. We had excessive demonstrations of wealth; check. We had the same list of celebrities in attendance doing the same things; check. We had the stupid and tired dunk contest; check. And then we had an insipid basketball game where there were more dunks than there were in the dunk contest; check.

I didn’t know that Moses and the Israelites were connected with the NBA, but every time I saw a player drive with the ball in the All-Star Game the defensive team parted like the Red Sea just so the guy with the ball could get his dunk. The East team committed a total of seven fouls for the entire game; that should give you a hint about how much defensive effort they put out. So, where’s the news?

The return of Pat Riley to the bench for the Miami Heat has caused a minor disturbance in The Force. In case you haven’t kept up with the inane orts associated with this matter, allow me to give you the CliffsNotes version courtesy of Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“Pat Riley reclaimed the coaching reins from assistant Ron Rothstein as a hot Miami was finally back up to .500. Riley wore a thin new beard at the announcement. Actually, Rothstein grew the beard, then Riley took it from him. To make room for Riley’s return, the Heat announced Rothstein was stepping down to spend more time with Stan Van Gundy’s family.”

After all that trivial news, here’s something that is actually relevant to sports in the US. The Wall Street Journal had an item on its website last week about luxury suites in some stadia/arenas being removed because they aren’t selling out anymore. This is most prevalent in baseball venues where suites are being turned into larger “luxury lounge areas” that people can use for parties or group gatherings. It’s a way to have an upscale option for group sales at the ballpark and clearly it is better to take in revenue from that space than it is to have the space stay dark - - even if the luxury lounges are less pricey than the suites and even if the luxury suites don’t sell out every game. I don’t think the Nobel Committee will be knocking on my door to award me the prize for realizing that some revenues are better than no revenues… This phenomenon is not limited to baseball; the Target Center in Minneapolis/St. Paul is doing something similar for Timberwolves games.

Is this an indication that the elastic limits of premium seating for sporting events have been reached? If so, that should be a real cautionary tale for teams and cities as they plan to build new venues or embark on renovations to old venues that will cost hundreds of millions of dollars. Or is this merely a blip on the sporting radarscope? I don’t know but it is worth watching.

Finally, here’s a comment from Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle about Barry Bonds’ contract with the Giants:

“Bonds’ delay in signing his contract was believed to be due to the Groucho Marx Clause. Bonds wasn’t sure he wanted to be a member of a team that would pay $15.8M for a key player with so many question marks.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…