The Sports Curmudgeon®

I was listening to the local sports radio station yesterday and heard one of the guys say that the hottest selling bumper sticker in Georgia and Tennessee and Mississippi at the moment is:

“Honk If You’ve Been Interviewed To Coach Alabama”

That’s mildly humorous but it did get me to thinking that if the reports are even close to accurate, ‘Bama has waved its “mystique” and some heavy coin under the nose of several coaches and all of them have told ‘Bama to look elsewhere. It would behoove the AD there to find someone who really would like to coach Alabama and then decide if he’s worth the trouble to negotiate terms; it is beginning to look unseemly as people keep declining the job. I know one person who really wants the job, but I doubt that Alabama would offer it to him. That would be Mike Shula.

Miami hired Randy Shannon to take over the program there. At his introductory press event, Coach Shannon touched on all the themes that new coaches feel compelled to address. He said he would focus on discipline and accountability, which is pretty standard stuff. However, he went just a bit further and said he wanted to create an “attitude to do the right thing.” That sounds just fine until you realize that Randy Shannon had been the defensive coordinator on the Miami staff for a while before moving up the ladder. No one asked him why he waited until now to create that attitude if he really thought it was all that important. Time will tell…

Looking back at the college football season, there were four teams that seemed to exceed expectations by a huge margin this year. No one had Wake Forest in a BCS bowl game back in August; no one had Arkansas in the SEC Championship Game back in August; no one had Rutgers in the conversation about BCS bowl berths in late November; and no one had Rice in a bowl game of any kind. Kudos to those four schools.

Three teams fell way short of expectations. Miami was supposed to be an ACC powerhouse but barely made themselves bowl eligible; Florida State was supposed to be an ACC powerhouse but barely made themselves bowl eligible; and Pitt started off the season with a 6-1 record and then lost five straight games to miss out on a bowl invitation entirely despite being “bowl eligible”.

Let me try to reinforce for you the notion that you are not obligated in any way to watch any of the individual bowl games that present meaningless match-ups. You do not owe your viewing time to ESPN for bringing you other interesting sports events during the year; you may - - nay, you should - - exercise the right to do something else while many of those games are on. Don’t watch New Mexico vs. San José St. on the basis of some false sense of obligation.

And please, do not watch the worst bowl game of them all. On January 7, 2007 as part of the ramp-up to the BCS Championship Game, the GMAC Bowl will happen in Mobile, Alabama. In that game, Ohio University will play Southern Mississippi and if there were ever a game that deserved the name “Afterthought Bowl”, this would be it. Ohio was the loser in the MAC Championship Game; Southern Miss was the loser in the Conference USA Championship Game. Pardon me while I yawn…

The next time you hear Dr. Myles Brand and/or any spokesthing for the university presidents say they are opposed to a football playoff because it extends the season into the spring semester or that the university presidents are absolutely opposed to “second semester football” – one of their tried and true phrases – please remember this “Afterthought Bowl” being played on January 7. Maybe every school isn’t back in session by then, but it is starting to get close to that “second semester starting date” and this is a truly meaningless game to have so close to that date, no?

For all of its flaws, the BCS seems to provide an interesting news item every year as a reaction to the screams and howls of whatever team feels it has been screwed over by the system. This year it is Michigan’s turn to be righteously indignant and some legislators in Michigan have passed a resolution calling for a football playoff in order to avoid “future injustices”.

Memo to Michigan Legislature:

1. Spend your time figuring out how you are going to provide an economy that will employ all of the autoworkers who are being laid off every other week.

2. Spend your time figuring out how to revitalize some really dreary urban centers in your state.

3. When it comes to resolutions regarding college football scheduling, save your breath to blow your beans.

The IOC has approved a new sport for the 2010 Winter Olympics to be held in British Columbia. The sport is called ski cross and in the press release making this pronouncement, ski cross is described as a “freestyle event similar to snowboard cross.” Well thank you for that; now if I had even an inkling of what snowboard cross was… Here’s an idea:

If you feel compelled to have to explain in your press release what your new Olympic sport is, you probably should not be adding it to the Olympic Games.

Finally, here’s an item from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“Hey, this is great news. Congratulations, guys. I’ve just been told the Orange Bowl Committee has been nominated for an Oscar in the category Most Convincing Portrayal of Being Thrilled by a Wake Forest-Louisville Matchup.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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I’ve pointed out some of the stunning contracts that have materialized during this baseball free agent season. And they just keep on coming… The KC Royals – never before known as a spendthrift team – just signed Gil Meche for $55M. Meche is 28 years old and has spent his entire MLB career with the Seattle Mariners. Last year, he was 11-8 in his 32 starting assignments with an ERA of 4.48. That may not sound all that stunning and that might make you wonder why he got $55M from a team that normally tosses half dollar coins around as if they were manhole covers. But that was about the best year of Meche’s career.

For his MLB career from 1999 through 2006, Gil Meche is 55-44; his career ERA is 4.65; in 815 innings, he has given up 810 hits. Gil Meche is a solid citizen who could be a valuable addition to a good team that needs a 3rd or 4th starter. But what makes the Royals’ braintrust think he’s worth $55M is certainly not clear to me.

Obviously, from Gil Meche’s point of view, none of this was about the money; he just wanted to play for a team that had a shot at winning the World Series…

Let me be clear on this next point: $16M is a lot of money, and $16M is the amount of money involved in two other strange signings during this baseball free agent season. The SF Giants will pay Barry Bonds $16M to play for them next year. Absent some other hot pursuit from another MLB team, I have to wonder why the Giants were so anxious to get this deal done quickly – thereby driving the value up. Last season, Bonds hit .270 and drove in 77 runs in 130 games. He needs 22 homeruns to break Henry Aaron’s career record; last season he hit 26 homeruns with appearances in 130 games. I understand that Bonds will attract fans to the stadium as he gets close to Aaron’s record and that puts money in the pockets of the Giants’ ownership, but still… A .270 hitter with 77 RBIs who is a liability in the field and a human embolism on the bases can’t be worth $16M per year from a performance perspective. In fact, it’s not certain that Bonds will drive in with his bat as many runs as he lets in with his defensive “prowess” in the outfield.

The other $16M contract that I simply do not understand is the one given to Andy Pettitte. I do not intend to trash Pettitte because I think he’s above the level where one can trash him and retain some semblance of stature as an objective observer of the sports scene. Nevertheless, this contract is a huge gamble by the Yankees. Pettitte will be 35 in June; last season he was 14-13 with an ERA of 4.20; last season he lost more games than he ever did in a single season and last year he gave up more runs than he ever did in a single season. When I put that mosaic together, I don’t see the figure of $16M staring back at me…

Look, if it happens that the SF Giants and the NY Yankees meet each other in the World Series and if Pettitte and Bonds have been contributors to that level of success, I’ll be happy to admit that someone in the baseball operations of these two teams saw lots more in Bonds and Pettitte than I do at this stage of their careers. Getting to the World Series would make $16M a cheap price to pay. However, without several more positive moves on the part of these two teams – and more than several for the Giants – it’s just not gonna happen. I reserve the right to repeat that Bonds and Pettitte are going to be well overcompensated for the coming season.

Back on 10 December, Bernie Lincicome wrote a column in the Rocky Mountain News where he pretended to interview the supercomputer that just defeated chessmaster, Vladmir Kramnik. The supercomputer invokes loads of sports clichés and the column is worth reading. Here are two Q&A exchanges to whet your appetite:

Q: …in fact, you were favored to win, the first time a machine was considered superior to the human,

A: I think that man vs. machine question was settled long ago with the invention of the Zamboni.

Q: Do you feel as if you have struck a blow for the younger generation of computers? In fact, maybe even the entire world of machines?

A: I’m not a role model. I am a desk model.

The Green Bay Packers are 4-3 on the road and 1-5 at home. If someone wants to try to make some semblance of sense out of that data, I’m all ears.

In the spirit of curmudgeonness, I think we need to give a nickname to the Indy Colts defense - - the unit that gave up 375 yards rushing to the Jags just last weekend. We should call that unit the Mexican Border Patrol Defense - - because they don’t seem to be able to stop anyone either.

The Saints and the Jets are feelgood stories of overachievement. I prefer to look at the painful stories of underachievement this year in the NFL. Tampa was thought to be a contender for the playoffs; they’re 3-10 at the moment and sinking fast. But they did lose their starting QB early on and have had to go with a less-than-ready rookie at QB. Sports Illustrated had the Dolphins going to the Super Bowl; Miami is 6-7 at the moment and will be watching the playoffs on TV just like you and I will be watching. Carolina too was a trendy pick for the NFC champion’s mantle; the Panthers are 6-7 at the moment and need things to break just right to be in the playoffs.

And here in the DC area, the Washington Redskins hoped to build on last year’s playoff appearance and the signings of four “top-shelf free agents” and the addition of an offensive genius to their coaching staff that already had a certified defensive genius on board and go deep into the playoffs and even to the Super Bowl. The Redskins are 4-9 at the moment and they have looked overmatched more than a couple of times this year. Now that December is upon us, most teams have gravitated to that part of the standings where they rightfully belong and the Redskins have the same record as the Arizona Cardinals, the Houston Texans and the Cleveland Browns. The last underachievement of that magnitude happened when Bode Miller went to the Olympics with a shot at 5 gold medals…

Finally, an item from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times:

“Wrapping up a memorable year for sports transactions, hoops star Lisa Leslie is pregnant, former soccer icon Mia Hamm is expecting twins and former tennis champ Andrea Jaeger has become a nun.

“For those of you keeping score at home, that’s two mothers and a sister.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Let me begin with the five worst performances in the NFL last weekend. And there were plenty to choose from…

5. Bucs: Two weeks ago, they kicked a field goal with no time remaining to avoid a shutout. On Sunday, they had a shutout at halftime against Atlanta; the Falcons’ top two RBs were hurt in the third quarter; the Bucs still coughed up the game. Pathetic.

4. Lions: They had a total of minus-3 yards rushing for the game; they turned the ball over 6 times. Their record is 2-11; no surprise there.

3. Jets: They had an easy path to the playoffs if they just beat the teams on the schedule with lesser records. Now they have an uphill road ahead of them. They gave up TD plays of 57 and 77 yards and had an interception returned 58 yards for a TD. Feh!

2. Patriots: This is their inaugural appearance on this list. The Dolphins shut them out and held them to a net of 66 yards passing. ‘Nuff said…

1. Colts: This is their inaugural appearance on this list. They gave up 375 yards rushing on Sunday. That’s a lot even if the opponents are driving racecars.

There were reports that the NFL is considering exercising an option in its contract with the folks in Hawaii who stage the Pro Bowl and moving the game out of Honolulu. This is part of the “globalization strategy” of the NFL; they think they can play this game in some foreign venue and “grow the brand”. Look, players invent excuses not to go to Honolulu to play in this waste of time and Honolulu is a garden spot. Imagine playing this game in February in Beijing where it’s freezing cold or in Adelaide where it’s boiling hot. That’ll get All-Pro players to go there… I can see it now; starting at QB for the Eastern Conference team … Chris Weinke…

Here’s an idea for the Pro Bowl that has synergy. It solves a couple of problems at the same time. I’ll give it to the NFL for free:

NFL signs a partnership agreement with NASA

When NASA builds that permanent base at the South Pole of the Moon, they can play the Pro-Bowl there.

That takes NFL football extra-terrestrial not just international AND it gives NASA something to do with that base on the Moon. If they don’t use if for that, maybe they can build a Federal penal colony there with no guards. No jailbreaks here; once outside, there’s no - - oxygen.

The word is that the Philadelphia 76ers will trade Allen Iverson. Long-term readers of these rants will recall that I have thought that the Sixers should trade Iverson for the last four seasons – and I am not an Allen Iverson hater. I actually enjoy watching Iverson play for the simple reason that he plays hard every minute he’s on the floor and that just is not the case for 90% of the players in the NBA. Now, the reports are that Iverson has demanded a trade and the team will accommodate him.

Let’s get something out of the way at the beginning. The Sixers will not receive anything close to “equal value” for Iverson. That does not happen when big NBA stars are traded; that does not happen when the team is forced to make a trade; that makes it a “buyers’ market”. Even though the Sixers are last in the putrid Atlantic Division, they will likely be worse after the trade. But that’s what the team has to do if it is going to accumulate a roster that might actually challenge for a playoff spot in the future. They have to get worse; jettison Chris Webber; draft wisely, jettison Chris Webber; pick up some free agents who really do have the ability to play as well as they did in their contract years; jettison Chris Webber; and be ready to lose for a couple of years before they win again.

There are two important points in that last paragraph that I don’t want you to miss so let me emphasize:

The Sixers have to jettison Chris Webber. He is so far over the hill, you can’t even contact him by radio.

The Atlantic Division is putrid. The Sixers are in last place with a record of 5-15 at the moment. Nevertheless, they are only 3 games out of first place in the division; the Nets lead this pack of dogs with a record of 8-12. Pass the Lysol spray, folks…

The NBA Western Conference is the dominant conference by a huge margin. In the Eastern Conference, there are only four teams with winning records this morning. In the Western Conference, there are only five teams with losing records. Of course, none of this matters even a whit now because NBA teams need to be at their best in April, May and June. Wake me as March Madness is coming to a close…

Pacers’ coach Rick Carlisle had an interesting analysis on why his team seemed so prone to turnovers:

“Sometimes we’re trying to throw the ball through a defender’s nose and have it come out his rear end and go to a teammate.”

For the record, that’s just not all that likely to work real well…

Finally, here’s syndicated columnist, Norman Chad, on what’s wrong with basketball:

“Everyone’s flopping around. The block/charge call ruins the game. Do you see Champ Bailey trying to draw a charge from Chad Johnson in the NFL? And nobody can ever agree on the block/charge. Heck, Marbury v. Madison was an easier decision than, say, Marbury v. Bavetta.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Last week generated a small Mythical Loss for the NFL picks. My trusty coin didn’t come up with any proper wagers last week and so I think I will use my Ouija board this week to divine the outcomes of inscrutable games. The record for last week was 7-9-1 giving me a Mythical Deficit for the week of $290. That brings the year-to-date results to 102-105-3 for a total Mythical Loss of $1230.

No, I won’t pretend that I actually wrote this yesterday afternoon and make a selection on the Browns/Steelers game last night – even though my 20/20 hindsight Mythical Pick would cut into the deficit here. But the game last night did raise an interesting question. The Steelers ran through the Browns’ defense like prune soup. So, tell me again just how the KC Chiefs lost to those same Browns just a week ago…

Of course, no one would consider using any information here as the basis for making a wager involving actual negotiable currency. Anyone doing that would be dumb enough to buy some forestland on the basis that it’s really a house with “some assembly required”.

Baltimore at KC – 3(37): The Ravens have a two game lead in their division with four to play and the best scoring defense in the AFC. The Chiefs are three games behind in their division with four to play and they are tied for wild-card consideration. Obviously, this game means much more to the Chiefs than the Ravens and it is in KC. The scheduling problem for the Chiefs is that after this week they go to San Diego where they are not likely to be favorites. So, they are up against it this week and presumably will revert to what they do best – hand the ball to Larry Johnson. That happens to play into the hands of the Ravens because what they do best is stop the run. If you don’t like tight, low-scoring, defensive football, find another game. I think it will be a great game to watch because it should be close from start to finish. I want the game UNDER 37.

Atlanta – 3 at Tampa Bay (38.5): No peeking now; who is the lowest scoring team in the NFL? No, it is not the Oakland Raiders; it is the Tampa Bay Bucs. Their offense is – well – offensive. Atlanta looked as if they were awakening from their somnambulant state last week, but that was against the Redskins’ defense – so that doesn’t really count. Tampa can’t score and Tampa’s defense has a history of making life difficult for Michael Vick. The Falcons need this game because they are one of four NFC teams with a 6-6 record and – sad to say – that puts them squarely into the NFC playoff picture. I am going to take the Falcons to win and cover here and I want the game UNDER. This one could wind up 23-6. No parlay here…

Minnesota at Detroit – 2 (38.5): I just went back to the sportsbook website to be certain that the Lions were favored in this game. They are. This game is the STINKER of the week. Minnesota has been awful for the last month. They are considering replacing Brad Johnson at QB with Tavaris Jackson. All I can say is if they are actually going to do that, this is the opponent you should want to do it against. The Lions are the only NFC team at the moment that is mathematically eliminated from the playoffs; not to worry, they’ll find company after this week is done. I can’t take the Vikings here with the possibility they will put a Division 1-AA QB in for his first start; I also can’t take the Lions and give points to anything other than an expansion Arena League team. So, I’ll consult the Ouija board for guidance from the cosmos. The message is that there will be more defensive ineptitude on display here than offensive ineptitude; the ineptitude level will be at Code Red on every possession, however. The Ouija board says to take the game OVER.

Tennessee at Houston – 1.5 (42): Here’s another spread that made go and look twice. The Titans have beaten the Giants, Colts and Eagles in the last three weeks; just before that, they lost to the Ravens by a point. The Texans beat the Raiders last week and I just can’t make myself believe that is a turning point for the Houston lads. Vince Young is going home to play in Houston for the first time and the Titans show up and play hard every week. The wrong team is favored here. I like the Titans to win outright and so I’ll take them with the points here.

Giants at Carolina – 3 (41): Both teams are 6-6 and this game has serious playoff implications in the NFC. Last week, Eli Manning played better against the Cowboys than he had in a month; last week, Jake Delhomme gagged the game away against the Eagles. Supposedly, Jake Delhomme’s thumb is hurt and that might put Chris Weinke into play. “Starting Chris Weinke” is the second most fearful three-word phrase in the English language right behind “Starring Dan Ackroyd”. The Ouija board says that Delhomme will start and will throw INTs early and incur the wrath of the hometown fans. It says to take the Giants with the points here.

Indy at Jax (pick ‘em) (43): The line on this game is all over the map. You can find Indy as a 1-point favorite and you can find Jax as a 1-point favorite; you can find the total at 43 and you can find the total at 44.5. The Jags play much better at home than they do on the road – especially the Jags’ defense. Jax is also one of those AFC teams with a 7-5 record that needs to win to stay in playoff contention and they have to play two other division leaders in the next three weeks. However, the Jags have never – as in not ever – held Peyton Manning under 20 points and when Marvin Harrison catches his fifth pass of the day it will be his 1000th reception in his career. The Jags can run the ball and the Colts do not stop the run. So, I think this game will go OVER 43.

Philly – 1.5 at Washington (41): The Eagles are 6-6 and need a win this weekend because Atlanta looks to win against Tampa Bay and either the Giants or the Panthers will win that game. If the Eagles want to remain relevant in the wild card chase, they have to win here even though they are coming off the short week and have to go on the road. The Eagles should blitz the pants off of Jason Campbell and the Redskins should put a spy on Brian Westbrook and make Jeff Garcia try to beat them. If the teams do those things, this will be a low scoring affair. I’ll take the game UNDER.

Oakland at Cincy – 11 (39): Let’s see if I have all of this straight: Jerry Porter is feuding with Al Davis and Art Shell; Art Shell is feuding with some guy in the front-office named Lombardi; Randy Moss doesn’t give a damn; the three QBs on the team have thrown 6 TD passes in 12 games while also throwing 16 INTs. Their season fits a description from Dilbert:

It is an organic pain collector rushing headlong to oblivion.

Nonetheless, the Raiders’ defense has come a long way since last year so it is tempting to take the Raiders here with a generous helping of points. The Bengals might also be looking right past this game to Indy next week and Denver the week after that. Cincy is one of the AFC teams at 7-5 looking for a wild card slot in the playoffs and their defense has begun to play as if it too has actual NFL players on the field. I think the Raiders’ offense will be hugely overmatched this week and so I’ll take Cincy to win and cover here. By the way, this is the first game this week where I’ve taken the home team against the spread. Scary…

New England – 3.5 at Miami (37): Ronnie Brown isn’t playing again this week and the Miami passing game is not good enough to go against the Pats defense if the Dolphins get one-dimensional. But the Miami defense is good enough to give the Pats fits. The Ouija board says this will be a low scoring game and so I’ll take the Dolphins with the points.

Green Bay at SF – 4 (43.5): While not as fetid a game as the Vikes/Lions match-up, this is definitely not “must-see TV”. Green Bay has given up 34 or more points in each of its last three games. In case you think the 49ers aren’t good enough on offense to come close to that, remember that the Jets scored 38 on the Packers just last week at Lambeau Field. I think there will be lots of points in this game; the Ouija board says not to bet this game at all but I have to make a Mythical Pick, so I want it OVER.

Seattle – 2.5 at Arizona (45): Arizona’s defense is ranked last in the NFC; Arizona’s offense is ranked next-to-last in the NFC. The Seahawks are in a good position relative to the playoffs, but they need to start playing better if they hope to do anything meaningful in the playoffs. I like Seattle to win and cover. I also like this game OVER. No parlay though… If you like the Cards, shop the line because it is at 3 points in lots of places.

Buffalo at Jets – 4 (37): The Jets are 7-5 and frankly look to be in the catbird seat with regard to a playoff berth. After this week, the Jets’ schedule is as soft as a pat of butter left out in the hot sun – Vikes, Dolphins, Raiders. Absent self-inflicted wounds, the Jets should wind up 10-6 and make the playoffs. The Bills are not all that good on the road but the Jets are ringing the bell this year on their easy schedule. The Ouija board wants the Bills with the points; I think this game will be low scoring so I’ll take the advice from the spirit world.

Denver at San Diego – 7.5 (42): This is arguably the best game of the weekend. However, after what I saw from Jay Cutler last week, I can’t like Denver’s chances here against a tough defense and a team that has won six straight games. In case you have not been paying attention, the Chargers and Colts have the same record now; so the Chargers have “home-field advantage” to play for. The Broncos are 7-5 and in danger of falling out of the playoff race unless they turn things around soon because, they have a date with Cincy in two weeks which will be make-or-break for them. This week, I think they will be hard pressed to score 13 points. I’ll take the Chargers to win and cover.

New Orleans at Dallas – 8 (48): If Denver/San Diego is not the best game of the weekend, this one is. The Saints have the top ranked offense in the NFL; Dallas’ defense is ranked #7. That should be a good match-up. The Cowboy’s offense is ranked 4th in the NFL; New Orleans’ defense is ranked 11th. That should be a good match-up. I think this game could go either way and that line looks as fat as a guy whose nickname is Moby. I’ll take the Saints with the points here.

(Mon. Nite) Chicago – 6 at St. Louis (40): In terms of motivation, the Rams need this game a hundred times more than the Bears do. At the moment, the Rams can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel leading to the playoffs. If they lose here, that faint light will turn out to be a gorilla carrying a flashlight. Forgetting motivation for a moment, there is a stat which makes things look bleak for the Rams. They give up 153.3 yards per game on the ground; only the Colts give up more. The Bears just love to run the ball in order to avoid having Rex Grossman do something silly with it. The Bears should be able to run with impunity here. I think it’s time to turn off the lights in St. Louis; I want the Bears to win and cover here.

Good luck.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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