The Sports Curmudgeon

This is the time of year for retrospectives; people have this natural tendency to assess how things went during the most recent span of time that it took for the earth to make its way around the sun. Here in Curmudgeon Central, the focus is not on the world at large nor is it on one’s good works - the ones that might argue for a “Person of the Year” designation. We don’t do that here. We focus on the world of sports and we focus on the foibles of people that lead to their stature as APOPs [Annoying Presence On Planet]. We are not so presumptive as to try to name the worst person of the year in sports – that would just generate too much meaningless debate, which would be tedious after about five minutes. So we’ll make a list of people who did things in 2006 that make us with they would Just Go Away.

My first thought was to do the list as a countdown but frankly, it is far too difficult to discriminate the levels of abhorrence that emanate from the behaviors of a few of the jamokes on this list. So, I decided to mention the people that I’d really want to Just Go Away in a random order and then I’ll name the Travelers Trifecta at the end - - the three people I want to Just Go Away and to make their journey one with an imminent departure and a distant destination. And so to open the discussion …

Let me mention O.J. Simpson because there just isn’t any possibility of doing a sports related annual retrospective based on who you’d like to see Just Go Away without him being on the list so long as he continues to consume oxygen from the biosphere. I just cannot imagine a situation where OJ projects as a tragic figure whose trials and tribulations are undeserved.

Please take that last paragraph and change the name in there to “Mike Tyson” and nothing else needs to be changed. He can Just Go Away and reside with OJ or not; it does not matter to me.

Ricky Williams has to be here on the list too. He tested positive again. And after a so-so year in the CFL, he said he might want to stay on there and continue to play in the CFL instead of coming back to the dolphins. Ricky, do us all a favor and stay in Canada – or even better go live on a yak farm in Tajikistan.

Floyd Landis came up with way too many “possible mechanisms” for how his urine sample lit up the testing lab. Floyd, those are called “excuses” and “fabrications”. First, you definitely need to shut up and then Just Go Away.

The New York Knicks finished a glorious NBA season in April winning 23 games in an 82 game season. Then they demonstrated abundant grace and class in the way they chose to handle the severance of their then coach, Larry Brown. It’s hard to wish for an entire franchise to go away so maybe it’s best just to have the owners and the entire front office and just a couple of the most malingering players buy a one-way ticket to Newfoundland – in the dead of winter.

The “Barbaro acolytes” spent a month in the middle of the year sending e-mails and get-well cards to an injured horse. Jockeys spend months in hospitals all the time and few if any of these “horsey-people” have ever expressed any angst let alone the same amount of heartbreak when a human suffered a near fatal injury. I’m glad Barbaro has survived and that it looks as if he will be released from the horse hospital very soon; I don’t wish any more harm to come to the horse. However, now that Christmas season is here, the acolytes are back in action sending trees made of baby organic carrots and green apples to the veterinary hospital in Kennett Square, PA where Barbaro continues his recovery. The “horsey-people” have sent him Christmas stockings and have even written Christmas carols for and about him. As I said six months ago in an attempt to put some perspective on all of this, “It’s a horse, folks.” Obviously, that message had no impact on the “Barbaro acolytes”; so, now I want them to go away – far away.

Albert Haynesworth must have flashed back in time and space to the 1960s in suburban Philadelphia and thought that he was a member of The Dovells in a former life. The Dovells were an old-time rock group and their “greatest hit” was The Bristol Stomp. Albert did The Stomp on the unhelmeted head of Cowboys’ center Andre Gurode. Albert, your train is leaving on Track 5; it’s an express to Nowheresville

Oakland Raiders’ DE, Tyler Brayton, was ejected from a nationally televised football game earlier this year for purposely kneeing an opponent directly in “the man zone”. I’m not sure where Tyler would need to go in order to find a social environment where such behavior might be considered borderline acceptable so he just may need to adopt a nomadic life for the next several years. Get going, Tyler.

Chicago Bears’ DT, Tank Johnson, was already on probation for a “gun charge” when police raided his home and found six unregistered guns there including some automatic weaponry. Johnson bailed himself out on the new charges and the team deactivated him for a game. Then about 48 hours later, Johnson demonstrated his remorse and showed that he had seen the error of his ways by going out to an “edgy night club” in the Chicago area where – surprise, surprise – a fight broke out and Johnson’s bodyguard was shot and killed. According to one report, he was shot in the back. Tank, your plane is boarding at Gate 14 headed for anywhere except here. Just Go Away.

Bode Miller went to the Winter Olympics with an expectation that he would be a serious competitor for five gold medals. He got none; his best showing was a fifth place finish. He told 60 Minutes about how he had skied “wasted”; he also accused Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and other athletes of “knowingly” using performance-enhancing drugs in a magazine interview. Is there an outpost in Antarctica that needs tending where we can arrange for him to have food and supplies airdropped on a monthly basis? If so, that’s where he can point himself as he begins to Just Go Away.

Obviously, Terrell Owens is on this list for reasons far too numerous to mention here without turning this offering into something of the length of War and Peace. He is on the list for 2006 because he admitted spitting on an opposing player. But then T.O. recanted the confession and according to the “loogie-recipient” there was never an apology even when the admission was out there and operable. But even that’s not all. The reason Terrell Owens has to be on this list this year is because with all of his antics, his less-than-social behaviors and his possible overdose on painkillers, this guy wrote a book for children. Oh good; that will ensure that we will have another generation of narcissists; I was beginning to worry where they would come from. All I can say is that wherever Terrell Owens goes, let’s be sure there are no cameras or microphones within a thousand kilometers because if there are, he’ll sniff them out and track them down and force himself upon all of us again..

Less obviously - but related to some of Terrell Owens’ antics – Kim Etheredge needs to pick up her “ticket to anywhere” at the Customer Courtesy Desk. Ms. Etheredge is Terrell Owens’ publicist and during the infamous “suicide overdose/no it wasn’t” saga this summer, she distinguished herself as even more inept at telling lies than your average run of the mill publicist. She is the one who dismissed any possibility of a suicide attempt on the basis that TO had “25 million reasons to live” – as if rich folks never commit suicide. But her absolutely best contribution to the saga had to have been when she said that these kinds of accusations aimed at her client were outrageous for “a man of his statue”. That’s right; there is no typographical error in that last sentence. Ms. Etheredge, please go away.

Let’s all wave goodbye to all the people who put together United States teams to compete in international competitions in baseball and basketball and ice hockey and golf. And let’s send the athletes with the organizers on this journey given the outstanding glory that all these folks have brought home with them from international competitions in 2006. That’s a lot of folks, so this journey will require a caravan of busses.

Former US Senator George Mitchell chairs an investigatory committee chartered by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. It has an open-ended charter to dig in and find out the depth and the breadth and the scope of performance enhancing substance use and abuse in baseball. It lacks one thing, however, subpoena power. How’s that wide-ranging investigation coming, Senator? Please, Just Go Away.

French soccer icon, Zinedine Zidane, was so enraged by trash talk about his sister that he delivered a famous head butt in the final match of the World Cup. That head butt got Zidane’s butt kicked out of the game and France lost to Italy. After weeks of sort of saying what happened without saying what happened – other than the obvious, he screwed the pooch in the biggest game of the biggest tournament in the world’s most popular sport – he accepted a hero’s welcome and “pardon” from the French. Well, they do have a lot of experience with losing, so I guess they understand and accept that kind of outcome with more equanimity than I do. But for me, I’d like Z.Z. to Just Go Away.

And that brings me to my Travelers Trifecta. These are the three people or groups of people who need to be in steerage class on a freighter shipping medical waste to be dumped in the Marianas Trench. And if one of them were to go overboard – accidentally of course – along with the stuff bound for the deepest recesses of the world’s oceans, I would not mourn for very long. I will put them in my order of outrageousness – and since I’m the one doing the writing here, I get that privilege:

3. Joe Cullen is the defensive line coach for the Detroit Lions. After getting himself arrested in a DUI situation and while waiting for that business to be adjudicated, Cullen got hungry one evening and went out to a Wendy’s drive-thru for some sustenance. After all, you can’t watch film of the Detroit Lions on an empty stomach; that would make anyone queasy. The problem is that Joe Cullen wasn’t wearing any clothing during this late night food foray. I can understand being “into your work”, but just how hard is it to remember to put your pants on when you go out to get into your car? Oh and just how much better does one evaluate film and players by having your pants off in the office? Coach Cullen, Just Go Away.

2. Chris Henry is a WR for the Cincinnati Bengals. Henry hit the law enforcement superfecta by finding himself under arrest in four different states for four different charges in a six-month period. He has become a national focus for sociopaths everywhere. Chris Henry, Just Go Away.

1. I started this list by mentioning OJ Simpson; let me close on that note. I want each and every person who thought it was a good idea for OJ to publish a book on how he would have murdered his wife and her friend – had he done it of course – and then to take the publicity campaign for that book to FOX-TV in a staged interview to Just Go Away. And I really want all of them to go far, far away. The lack of simple good taste in that idea makes it something that would be on the edge for use in a humor situation; to “green light” that as a book project and a TV special is monstrous. Let’s send all of these folks on that space exploration mission to Mars - - only let’s not wait. Ladies and gentlemen, lift off is in three days; get your butts to Cape Canaveral.

When the whole OJ book deal became so distasteful that even Ruppert Murdoch couldn’t stand the stench anymore and he pulled the plug on that project, here’s what Jeff Schultz had to say in the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

“It will be a seamless transition for Fox TV. The network has replaced O.J. Simpson’s dramatic reading, ‘My Hypothetical Murders’ with the ‘Charles Manson Christmas Special’.”

That’s it. That’s my list. I’m sticking to it.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…