The Sports Curmudgeon®

Every once in a while, I get an e-mail from a reader and it’s perfectly obvious that the missive comes from someone who is new to these rants. Yesterday, I got one asking why I don’t pay more attention to the fantasy football aspects of the happenings in the NFL and then it proceeded to ask me about which running backs he/she should think of playing in the next couple of weeks. Yessir, that person is new in town. And in case there are other new readers out there wondering the same thing, let me give you the short explanation here.

I don’t pay attention to the “fantasy football aspects” of events because I don’t play fantasy football. Because I don’t play fantasy football, I find discussions of your fantasy football trades/situations/strategies boring. I’d rather discuss the economic impact of farm price subsidies on sorghum with regard to the over-fishing in the Sea of Marmara than worry about whether or not to play Wali Lundy against the Pats defense this weekend. You see, in the real world, the Texans don’t have much of a choice. They play the Pats this weekend and it would behoove them to play a running back in their offense despite the fact that the Pats’ defense is “pretty good against the run”. I prefer reality to fantasy. If you like fantasy football, have at it. But this isn’t where you need to come to read anything about it.

I don’t know if you caught this pearl of wisdom on MNF during the Bears/Rams game. Joe Theismann was on one of his horribly annoying pontification rolls and came out with this gem in the middle of a spew of verbiage. He told us that it was important for an offense to “get points every chance you get”. Holy Insight, Batman. You mean that scoring points is one of the keys to victory? Slow down, there and let me grasp the entirety of that utterance and let me get some paper and India ink so I can write it down. It must never be lost for all of humankind.

Seriously, does anyone at ESPN ever sit down with Theismann and make him listen to what he said during one of their game telecasts and try to “coach him up” in the area of providing information to the viewer that is not obvious to anyone beyond the age of seven? If not, they ought to. His presence is becoming unpleasant on MNF – sort of like an ice-water enema.

I’ve known for a while that Prince would be the featured act during the Super Bowl halftime extravaganza but I’ve been ignoring that fact about the same way I will ignore the Super Bowl halftime extravaganza. But the NFL publicity machine has begun its subtle push to get the non-fans focused on the Super Bowl and so I’ve seen about three or four references to Prince in that role in the past ten days. I don’t pretend to deeply involved in pop music, but isn’t Prince sort of yesteryear’s news? Isn’t he a contemporary of David Bowie/Ziggy Stardust? Is Sha Na Na the fall back in case Prince is in a car accident?

Speaking of the Super Bowl halftime show brings to mind the possibility that we could see the Bears and the Ravens in the Super Bowl this year. Conventional wisdom would have it that this game would be won by the first team to 15. Commentators these days are prone to say these teams have “shut-down defenses”. Now, I don’t want to demean either team’s defense because both of them are very, very good. But since there are lots of readers here who may not have followed NFL football for all that long, let me describe for you what I recall when I hear the phrase, “shut down defense”.

Back in 1976 – wasn’t that about when Prince started singing? – the Pittsburgh Steelers were up against it. They had lost three or four games early in the season and Terry Bradshaw was hurt so they had to play rookie Mike Kruczek at QB. Bradshaw was a Hall of Fame QB; Kruczek was guy put in there to take snaps from the center with the assignment of not losing the game. There just wasn’t a huge margin for error with those early losses on the books.

This was The Steel Curtain defense. The Steelers won 8 or 9 games in a row to make the playoffs. In that winning streak, the defense had five shutouts and held two teams to a field goal. If your offense is crippled and you need to shut down the other team to have a shot at winning, then a “shut-down defense” does just that. And the Steel Curtain salvaged a season for the Steelers that year.

Glancing at the results from this season, the Ravens have two shutouts, one game with the opponent in single digits, two games where they held the opponent to 10 points and three games where the opponent only scored 13 points. That’s an impressive eight game package. The Bears also have two shutouts, three games with the opponent in single digits, one game with the opponent at 10 points and one game with the opponent at 13 points. That’s an impressive seven game package. However, let me reiterate that the Steel Curtain had five shutouts and two games where the opponent scored 3 points within a span of 8 or 9 games.

I was around to witness that performance and to watch those guys play defense. So, please excuse me if I don’t worship at the altar of the 2006 Ravens or Bears as having a real “shut-down defense”.

I ran across an item related to the business of sports. NASCAR’s Cup champion, Jimmy Johnson, will endorse a Daytona 500 Fragrance for Men created by Elisabeth Arden. That’s wonderful - - just so long as no one thinks it’s a good idea to put a vial of this in my Christmas stocking. I wonder what went on in the laboratory when some perfume scientist took on the task of coming up with a Daytona 500 Fragrance for Men. I wonder if he mixed in some essence of flatulence with your basic barbecue sauce and flat beer aromas and then blended in just a soupcon of gasoline, burning rubber and B.O. Now there’s recipe for a Daytona 500 Fragrance for Men.

Here’s a public service announcement. Tomorrow is Chocolate-covered Anything Day. Since tomorrow is also my birthday, let me say, “That works for me…”

Finally, here’s an item from Phil Mushnick in the NY Post:

“…Las Vegas is now home to The Jerry Tarkanian Middle School. Seriously, The Bugsy Siegel Middle School must’ve already been taken.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…