The Sports Curmudgeon

Last week was not a good one for Mythical Picks. I have tried to warn those of you who are of the wagering persuasion that late season games in the NFL are only slightly more amenable to rational handicapping than opening day games in the NFL. Some examples:

I took Dallas over Philly. Who knew that Dallas would not be able to run and control the ball against an Eagle defense that had been pushed around for the last month-and-a-half? Who knew Dallas would forget how to stop the run against a mediocre rushing team and give up over 200 yards rushing?

I took Indy over Houston. Who knew that Indy would find a way not to score in the 40s against the Texans?

I took SF over Arizona. Who knew that SF would gag when they had a shot at a division championship staring them in the face?

The final tally for last week was 6-11-1. That generated a Mythical Loss of $610. That’s not very good.

The season totals are 133-124-4. That gives a Mythical Deficit for the year of $220. This is a good time to point out the effect of the vigorish to everyone. Note that I have been right more than I have been wrong this year; and still, I’d be behind if I had actually made all of these wagers. And since I mentioned the phrase “made all of these wagers”, let me reiterate yet again that it would be folly for anyone to wager on each and every NFL game. The secret to having a winning season at the sportsbook is to pick your spots carefully and to ignore totally any game you don’t think you understand. At this time of year, those kinds of inscrutable games abound.

Naturally, no one would take any information herein and use it as the basis for making a wager or deciding what side to back in a wager that involved actual money. Anyone doing that would be dumb - - so dumb that the vacuum between his ears would be all that kept his guts from falling out of his ass.

There are a few good games this weekend from the perspective that they involve teams who should be playing hard to make it into the playoffs. Sadly, they don’t tend to play one another so you have to guess what the opponent may or may not do in terms of showing up. And then there is one game that is sufficiently putrid that the NFL should do its fans a favor and decide the outcome with the toss of a coin. It doesn’t matter; the teams don’t matter; the game will stink. I think you’ll be able to pick out which one I mean.

(Sat Nite) Giants – 3 at Washington (43.5): Because of the playoff stakes involved in this game, it might be the game of the week; the only problem is that both teams stink. If I’ve done my tiebreaker analysis correctly, the Giants are in the playoffs if they win here. Of course, these are the Giants who have lost six of their last seven games so even facing a less than mediocre foe should not make them supremely confident. The Giants’ passing game has been in-and-out for much of this season and it was certainly “out” last week. This week they get to face a Redskins’ secondary missing its best cornerback and coverage guy (by a large margin) and a pair of safeties who cannot cover and don’t tackle all that well. Just in case any Redskins’ fans want to tell you about all the “big hitters” they have on defense, remind them that the Redskins are dead last in the NFL in yardage allowed per play and rank 30th in the league in yards per game given up. All of this ought to matter, but the Giants have not shown that they can take advantage of mismatches for about two months now. I don’t know if Tom Coughlin’s job is on the line here but it ought to be. I’m virtually certain that Joe Gibbs’ job is not on the line here but it too ought to be. I’m going to contemplate an error-filled game on offense by both sides and take this game UNDER. But to show you the confidence level I have in that selection, let me say that a final score of 34-31 [either way] would not be out of the question.

Buffalo at Baltimore – 9 (34): Buffalo is out of the playoff race thanks to the fact that they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory last week against Tennessee. Now they go on the road where they are far less successful and take on a Ravens’ team that can get home field throughout the playoffs if they can win here and if San Diego loses later in the day. But is that enough to lay more than a TD in a season finale? Here’s the reason it might make sense. The Bills need a balanced offense to win because JP Losman just isn’t up to carrying the team on his own to victory against a 12-3 NFL team. The problem here is that the Ravens have the best rush defense in the AFC and the second-best rush defense in the NFL which would seem to put that burden squarely on Losman’s shoulders. My guess is that he caves in under this burden. I’ll take the Ravens to win and cover here.

Pittsburgh at Cincy – 6 (43.5): When the Steelers wet the bed against the Ravens last week, they were eliminated from the playoffs; the best these defending Super Bowl Champions can do is to win here and finish at 8-8 for the year. I’m not sure that’s a message that will sell all that well in their locker room. And even though Ben Roethlisberger has not been nearly his “super-self” this year, the Steelers just have to want him at QB more than Charlie Batch. But Roethlisberger was injured again last week and you have to wonder if the Steelers will run the risk of throwing him out there in a meaningless game. Meanwhile the Bengals have not been “tearing it up” for the last 6-8 weeks either. I’m going to hope that the Bengals at home play as seriously here as they did in Denver last weekend – losing at the end due to a muffed snap from center on a PAT – and that they produce 24-30 points of offense. That total will be enough for them to win and cover; that’s why I’ll take the Bengals to win and cover here - - for Mythical Purposes only!

Detroit at Dallas – 13 (43.5): The Cowboys soiled themselves last week against Philly. The Lions have been soiling themselves just about every weekend for the last decade. Dallas will do scoreboard watching to see if they have any reason to play hard here; if the Eagles are beating up on the Falcons, then the Cowboys will be the fifth seed in the NFC no matter what else happens. The Lions haven’t had a real reason to play since Columbus Day. Here’s a game to ignore even if you are in Las Vegas sitting in a comfy sportsbook watching multiple big-screens and being served free drinks by lovely young ladies. For mythical purposes only, I’ll take the Lions with the points here because this line looks awfully fat. And for even more mythical purposes, I’ll take the game OVER.

Cleveland at Houston – 4 (37.5): On a tour of the palace at Versailles, the docent leading my tour told me that King Louis XIV only took two baths in his entire lifetime. You could probably conclude from that statement that he stunk up the joint but I’m sure no one bothered to mention that little detail to the king. Well, he would have been an aromatic flower garden compared to the stench that will emanate from this game. Let me inform the NFL and the TV networks and the companies paying money to advertise their products and services on the telecast of this game that this game STINKS! These are two really bad teams that need lots and lots of improvement to make it up to the level of “not totally incompetent”. Neither team has any reason to play hard; neither team would perform all that much better if it actually did play hard. Make this a venue call since the Texans have won three times at home this year. And the Browns are down to their third string QB – Ken Dorsey – for this struggle. Loser gets the shorter press conference and so they can get on the road to their vacation destinations fastest. I’ll take the Texans to win and cover here - - for Mythical Purposes only!

Miami at Indy – 9 (42): The Dolphins have gagged away two straight games that they needed to win to have a shot at the playoffs. Even though Joe Theismann on MNF tried to make it seem as if substitute QB, Cleo Lane, could give the Dolphins a shot in the arm, it turns out that all he provided was a giant laxative so the team could leave a steamy dump at midfield for their fans in their final home game. And on Christmas night too. Now these Dolphins go on the road after a short week to play an Indy team that has a shot at the #2 seed in the AFC if the Ravens can find a way to lose to Buffalo. Here’s the angle on the game. Ronnie Brown came back last week after breaking his hand in the Thanksgiving Day game and he ran pretty well against the Jets’ defense. I’m not trying to make the Jets’ defense sound like the old Cowboys “Doomsday Defense” but the Jets are tougher to run on than the Colts. So, I’ll take the miserable Dolphins here with the points because (a) it’s a lot of points, (b) the game doesn’t mean anything and so there’s no real pressure on the Dolphins and (c) I think Ronnie Brown and Sammie Morris will gain at least 150 yards on the ground here.

Jax at KC – 3.5 (37): This too could be the game of the week because both teams are alive for the playoffs. The loser is out so the game is meaningful until the final whistle. The winner will need lots of help to get in but at least both of them will still be alive when they toss the coin at the beginning of the game. Jax is not all that good on the road and KC is much tougher at home than on the road. The venue screams out to pick the Chiefs. The oddsmakers see this as a low scoring game but I don’t think that has to be the case; so, I’ll take the game OVER this meager number – for Mythical Purposes only!

St Louis – 2 at Minnesota (43): The Rams are 7-8 and if my calculations are correct, the only way for them to get into the playoffs is for them to win here and for the Giants, Packers, Panthers and Falcons all to lose. Not bloody likely. Rookie QB, Tavaris Jackson, was horrid last week for the Vikes; he completed 10 passes for 50 yards. Because he’ll be in there again, I can’t play this game OVER even though that is my initial inclination; Jackson might not put 13 points up even against a miserable Rams’ defense. But I think the Rams can score on the Vikes and so I’ll take the Rams to win and cover - - even though they don’t play nearly as well on the road as they do at home. But remember, the Rams may well be eliminated by the time of the kickoff and so whatever motivation I might like to believe might accompany them to the field may have evaporated. This is a game to watch and not to wager on for actual money.

Carolina – 3 at New Orleans (36): The Saints have wrapped up the #2 seed in the NFC. They have no interest in the outcome of this game. Carolina is still in the race for the final NFC playoff spot; they need to win here and get some help from the Redskins and the Bears. That’s why the Panthers are favored in this game on the road against a better team. But I wonder what the inspirational rallying point could be for the Panthers. Win here and break even for the 2006 season? I’ll take this game OVER - - for Mythical Purposes only!

Oakland at Jets – 12.5 (35): The sign in the Jets’ locker room should be, “Win and You’re In”. For the Raiders, it’s going to be a 3000-mile flight home after a dismal season no matter what happens on Sunday. The Jets offense is marginal; meanwhile, the only part of the Raiders team that does not conjure up abject disgust is the defense; the defense is merely poor. I want this game UNDER because I will not be shocked for the game to end 10-6 or 16-9 at the most.

Atlanta at Philly – 8 (43): Before the season started, I said in my Pre-Season Analysis piece that the winner of this game on 12/31 would be the sixth wild card entry in the playoffs. That could still be true if Atlanta wins here. The Eagles have clinched a playoff spot and cannot get a bye in the first round of the playoffs. So, their only motivation will be to assure themselves of a home field game in the first round of the playoffs. I don’t know if Jim Mora is in danger of losing his job here, but given how the Falcons have laid down and gone paws up in a few games in the past six weeks, he should have his job on the line. Hell, the Falcons lost to Chris Weinke as a starting QB last week and that brings his NFL record as a starter to 2-17. That should be embarrassing to the max. In reality, the actual “problem” for the Falcons is that they have invested a HUGE amount of salary cap money in Michael Vick and he isn’t worth anything near his cap number. But you don’t fire the players; you fire the coach. I don’t think the Eagles’ minimalist motivation factor translates into a spread this big. I’ll take the Falcons with the points here.

Seattle at Tampa Bay – 3 (36): Seattle has nothing to play for here other than avoiding the ignominy of a fourth consecutive loss. They are the NFC West champs and will host a wild card team (still TBD) at Qwest Field next week. I’ll be surprised if the Seahawks don’t yawn during pre-game warm ups. Tampa is a miserable team who has risen to the level of “not totally horrible” with Tim Rattay as their QB. He’ll be there on Sunday. Is Jon Gruden on a hot seat in Tampa? He may be but it certainly isn’t his fault that starting QB Chris Simms had to miss the year with a splenectomy back in September. I’ll assume that Seattle goes sleepwalking through this game and so I’ll take the Bucs to win and cover at home in a truly meaningless game - - for Mythical Purposes only!

New England at Tennessee – 3 (42.5): The Pats are in the playoffs; Tennessee can still get there with a win here and a lot of help in other games this weekend. [Remember, the Titans started out 0-5 this season and still have a playoff shot on the final weekend of the year; if that doesn’t get Jeff Fisher at least a few Coach of the Year votes, then they should stop giving out that award.] The Pats might move ahead of the Colts in the seeding but there isn’t a realistic chance that the Pats could get a bye in the playoffs, so their motivation is suspect at best. Tennessee has been a force to be reckoned with since Vince Young took over as the starting QB and that winning tradition can certainly extend to and through a game against a team that really shouldn’t give a rat’s ass about the outcome. That’s why the Titans are favored. I see this spread as a way to get trapped and so I’ll take the game OVER on the assumption that neither defensive unit will be busting its butt to the max.

SF at Denver – 11 (41): This game is not as meaningless as some others since Denver needs a win to assure themselves of a playoff spot. SF eliminated themselves last week when they lost to the Cardinals in SF. If Denver wins, they are in the playoffs as the #5 seed in the AFC; they could still make the playoffs with a loss but it might get very dicey under those circumstances. I don’t doubt that Denver is a better team than SF at the moment even with rookie Jay Cutler under center. What I can’t deal with is this big a line in a game at this time of the year when the Broncos only need to win. I’ll take the 49ers with the very generous helping of points here.

Arizona at San Diego – 13.5 (44.5): San Diego has clinched a first round bye in the playoffs; they are playing to hold home field advantage in the playoffs. Arizona is out of the playoffs – surprise, surprise! – and they are playing for whatever reasons they would like to conjure up. If the Chargers win here, that will make them 8-0 at home for the 2006 season and I don’t think the Chargers have ever won all of their home games in a single season before this. Arizona has nothing to play for save pride – which is sort of the way they have finished up almost every season for the last 50 years. This leads me to conclude that this should be a high scoring game where the defenses just don’t get in the way of the offenses all that much. I like this game OVER.

Green Bay at Chicago – 3.5 (36): This is the longest running rivalry in the NFL; the teams meet for the 172nd time this weekend. Historically, this game means something but this weekend …? Green Bay has playoff aspirations even though the chances aren’t great. Chicago has sewn up home field advantage throughout the playoffs. The Bears don’t care about this game and the Bears’ defense has not been “lights out” for the last several weeks. Green Bay stifled the Vikings last week, but that was against Tavaris Jackson at QB and not Brett Favre. I see this as a low scoring game and so I will take the Packers with more than a field goal’s worth of points.

Good luck if you are betting this week. You’ll need it.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Detroit Lions safety, Kenoy Kennedy, pled guilty to a DWI charge and will go to a final sentencing hearing in January. Part of the plea agreement was that sentencing would not happen until after the NFL season was over; Kennedy could spend up to 90 days in jail if the judge so rules. In the Holiday spirit, I have to ask for some mercy here. This man has played all season for the Detroit Lions; they are 2-13 at the moment; the whole team has been the subject of ridicule and disgust all season long. Hasn’t this man suffered enough?

When the NY Giants suffered a bunch of injuries to their defense in mid-season, they explained away their losses saying that the ship would right itself when the injured players got back – at least the ones who were not out for the season. Last weekend, the Giants’ defensive players were back and they needed to win the game. That defensive unit - - the one that would be the season savior - - merely allowed two running backs to go over 100 yards and suffered the ignominy of watching the Saints hold the ball for 41 minutes of the game. I think the Giants are a flawed team with a coaching staff that has worn out its welcome in the locker room and in the city. It may be time for the team to start over from scratch…

Now that the Vikings are eliminated from the playoffs, I guess you can say that a portentous omen sitting out there came to naught. When the NFL announced that Prince would be the halftime entertainer at the Super Bowl this year, there had to be Viking fans out there thinking this would be the year of “The Purple Reign”. Well, the Vikings can sit home and sing along with the rest of the country because they won’t be playing football in January - - let alone February.

Speaking of Prince, he went through a phase where he wanted to be known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince”; that was far too large a handle and so it became shortened to TAFKAP. I’d like to suggest that he be referred to as TSOURIS – which is a Yiddish word meaning grief, aggravation or woe. In this case TSOURIS would stand for “The Singer Of Unbelievably Raunchy, Icky Songs”. Hey, it’s just a suggestion…

Going into the final weekend of the NFL season, there are three playoff spots that are unclaimed. Eleven teams have a shot at those three spots. The five teams in the NFC who are all in a position to claim the final playoff spot in that conference have records of 7-8. None of them play each other so it is possible – though unlikely – that all five could lose this week and a team at 7-9 would make the playoffs in a “non-strike” season. That’s not parity; that’s not even mediocrity; that’s just plain awful. Were that to happen, I believe the NY Giants would be the sixth NFC playoff team and were that to happen, the Giants would be in the playoffs having lost seven of their last nine games.

By the way, even if one of those teams gets in through a victory on Sunday, that would give the NFL yet another 8-8 team in the playoffs. Ominously, that will be the eighth team with an 8-8 record to be in the playoffs. The last time this happened was in 2004 when the Rams and the Vikings both went to the NFC playoffs with 8-8 records.

If both the Raiders and the 49ers lose this weekend, the two teams from the SF area will have a combined record of 8-24. That’s pretty miserable but what makes it worse is that last year those two teams had a record of 8-24. I think the operative expression for SF football fans should be “Yuck!” It might be an even more disgusting turn of a phrase emanating from those same SF football fans who simultaneously contemplated the wonders of Stanford football …

The Lions and the Raiders both have 2-13 records going into the final game of the season. The overall first pick in the draft will belong to one of these teams. Both teams need to upgrade at multiple positions so the player selected first must not be viewed as a franchise savior; no player could possibly turn those teams around by himself. The last time the Lions had the overall #1 pick was in 1980; they took Billy Simms; he was a fine player for them until he ruined his knee. Amazingly, the last time the Raiders had the overall #1 pick was well prior to the merger between the AFL and the NFL. It was in 1962 – just before Al Davis took charge of the team. The Raiders took Roman Gabriel with that pick but Gabriel didn’t sign with the team.

The Eagles are drawing lots of attention at the moment. Here’s why the Eagles are generally a good team; they draft very well. I count twenty players on the roster who either start or who make significant contributions to the team that were drafted by the Eagles and whose career has been with the Eagles. (I count Jeremiah Trotter here even though he did play for the Redskins for a brief time in the middle of his career.) Above that, there are three young players on the team who have not gotten much playing time yet but who were high round picks and who could be significant contributors in the future. The ability to scout and to draft well is an under-appreciated factor in team success.

It is currently fashionable to dismiss the Indianapolis Colts. And no one can possibly praise their rush defense or their loss to the Texans last weekend. But before everyone gets carried away, please look at the overall picture for a moment. The Colts are 11-4; exactly 3 teams in the NFL have a better record at the moment. Two of their losses came on long field goals with zero time left on the clock; one of those field goals was 60 yards in length. Granted, the Colts should have had those games out of reach and did not, but they are two last-second field goals away from a 13-2 record. The Colts are a flawed team, but they aren’t stumblebums.

In the world of college athletics, the NCAA will hold a convention in January where they will take up some critically important issues including limitations on text messaging as a component of recruiting. There is one proposal out there that would “completely eliminate” the use of text messages and communication through websites such as “MySpace” but would continue to allow e-mails and faxes as proper media for recruitment. A competing proposal would allow text-message-recruitment to continue to be used but only from 4-8 PM on Mondays through Fridays and from 8 AM to 8 PM on weekends. Folks, the NCAA is going to debate this and probably vote to enact one of these regimens. For this, the head of the NCAA earns about $1M a year. Can you spell S-I-N-E-C-U-R-E?

I ran across an item that makes me think that Rod Serling is about to step forward and tell us all that we are in The Twilight Zone. If Ohio State wins the national championship over Florida, Jim Tressel’s contract as head coach at Ohio State is null and void. That contract is less than a year old and it would surely seem as if his potential to win the national championship is why Ohio State hired him in the first place. So, if he succeeds at the ultimate task in the position he was hired to do, he will no longer be in that position. But, if he loses the game to Florida, then he stays in the job. What genius at Ohio State thought that was a good idea?

By the way, if you believe in trends, Ohio State has a long uphill battle in the game against Florida. Ohio State has never – as in not ever – beaten an SEC team. The Buckeyes have played seven SEC teams in Bowl Games going back to 1978; they’ve lost them all. The good news is that the last loss was only by 4 points and that is the closest of any of the games so Ohio State may be on an upswing here…

Finally, a note from Greg Cote in the Miami Herald:

“Venus and Serena Williams are in Palm Beach County court related to a breach of contract lawsuit against them. In a separate matter, the sisters are accused of not being as good as they once were and of having an annoying father.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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This is the time of year for retrospectives; people have this natural tendency to assess how things went during the most recent span of time that it took for the earth to make its way around the sun. Here in Curmudgeon Central, the focus is not on the world at large nor is it on one’s good works - the ones that might argue for a “Person of the Year” designation. We don’t do that here. We focus on the world of sports and we focus on the foibles of people that lead to their stature as APOPs [Annoying Presence On Planet]. We are not so presumptive as to try to name the worst person of the year in sports – that would just generate too much meaningless debate, which would be tedious after about five minutes. So we’ll make a list of people who did things in 2006 that make us with they would Just Go Away.

My first thought was to do the list as a countdown but frankly, it is far too difficult to discriminate the levels of abhorrence that emanate from the behaviors of a few of the jamokes on this list. So, I decided to mention the people that I’d really want to Just Go Away in a random order and then I’ll name the Travelers Trifecta at the end - - the three people I want to Just Go Away and to make their journey one with an imminent departure and a distant destination. And so to open the discussion …

Let me mention O.J. Simpson because there just isn’t any possibility of doing a sports related annual retrospective based on who you’d like to see Just Go Away without him being on the list so long as he continues to consume oxygen from the biosphere. I just cannot imagine a situation where OJ projects as a tragic figure whose trials and tribulations are undeserved.

Please take that last paragraph and change the name in there to “Mike Tyson” and nothing else needs to be changed. He can Just Go Away and reside with OJ or not; it does not matter to me.

Ricky Williams has to be here on the list too. He tested positive again. And after a so-so year in the CFL, he said he might want to stay on there and continue to play in the CFL instead of coming back to the dolphins. Ricky, do us all a favor and stay in Canada – or even better go live on a yak farm in Tajikistan.

Floyd Landis came up with way too many “possible mechanisms” for how his urine sample lit up the testing lab. Floyd, those are called “excuses” and “fabrications”. First, you definitely need to shut up and then Just Go Away.

The New York Knicks finished a glorious NBA season in April winning 23 games in an 82 game season. Then they demonstrated abundant grace and class in the way they chose to handle the severance of their then coach, Larry Brown. It’s hard to wish for an entire franchise to go away so maybe it’s best just to have the owners and the entire front office and just a couple of the most malingering players buy a one-way ticket to Newfoundland – in the dead of winter.

The “Barbaro acolytes” spent a month in the middle of the year sending e-mails and get-well cards to an injured horse. Jockeys spend months in hospitals all the time and few if any of these “horsey-people” have ever expressed any angst let alone the same amount of heartbreak when a human suffered a near fatal injury. I’m glad Barbaro has survived and that it looks as if he will be released from the horse hospital very soon; I don’t wish any more harm to come to the horse. However, now that Christmas season is here, the acolytes are back in action sending trees made of baby organic carrots and green apples to the veterinary hospital in Kennett Square, PA where Barbaro continues his recovery. The “horsey-people” have sent him Christmas stockings and have even written Christmas carols for and about him. As I said six months ago in an attempt to put some perspective on all of this, “It’s a horse, folks.” Obviously, that message had no impact on the “Barbaro acolytes”; so, now I want them to go away – far away.

Albert Haynesworth must have flashed back in time and space to the 1960s in suburban Philadelphia and thought that he was a member of The Dovells in a former life. The Dovells were an old-time rock group and their “greatest hit” was The Bristol Stomp. Albert did The Stomp on the unhelmeted head of Cowboys’ center Andre Gurode. Albert, your train is leaving on Track 5; it’s an express to Nowheresville

Oakland Raiders’ DE, Tyler Brayton, was ejected from a nationally televised football game earlier this year for purposely kneeing an opponent directly in “the man zone”. I’m not sure where Tyler would need to go in order to find a social environment where such behavior might be considered borderline acceptable so he just may need to adopt a nomadic life for the next several years. Get going, Tyler.

Chicago Bears’ DT, Tank Johnson, was already on probation for a “gun charge” when police raided his home and found six unregistered guns there including some automatic weaponry. Johnson bailed himself out on the new charges and the team deactivated him for a game. Then about 48 hours later, Johnson demonstrated his remorse and showed that he had seen the error of his ways by going out to an “edgy night club” in the Chicago area where – surprise, surprise – a fight broke out and Johnson’s bodyguard was shot and killed. According to one report, he was shot in the back. Tank, your plane is boarding at Gate 14 headed for anywhere except here. Just Go Away.

Bode Miller went to the Winter Olympics with an expectation that he would be a serious competitor for five gold medals. He got none; his best showing was a fifth place finish. He told 60 Minutes about how he had skied “wasted”; he also accused Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds and other athletes of “knowingly” using performance-enhancing drugs in a magazine interview. Is there an outpost in Antarctica that needs tending where we can arrange for him to have food and supplies airdropped on a monthly basis? If so, that’s where he can point himself as he begins to Just Go Away.

Obviously, Terrell Owens is on this list for reasons far too numerous to mention here without turning this offering into something of the length of War and Peace. He is on the list for 2006 because he admitted spitting on an opposing player. But then T.O. recanted the confession and according to the “loogie-recipient” there was never an apology even when the admission was out there and operable. But even that’s not all. The reason Terrell Owens has to be on this list this year is because with all of his antics, his less-than-social behaviors and his possible overdose on painkillers, this guy wrote a book for children. Oh good; that will ensure that we will have another generation of narcissists; I was beginning to worry where they would come from. All I can say is that wherever Terrell Owens goes, let’s be sure there are no cameras or microphones within a thousand kilometers because if there are, he’ll sniff them out and track them down and force himself upon all of us again..

Less obviously - but related to some of Terrell Owens’ antics – Kim Etheredge needs to pick up her “ticket to anywhere” at the Customer Courtesy Desk. Ms. Etheredge is Terrell Owens’ publicist and during the infamous “suicide overdose/no it wasn’t” saga this summer, she distinguished herself as even more inept at telling lies than your average run of the mill publicist. She is the one who dismissed any possibility of a suicide attempt on the basis that TO had “25 million reasons to live” – as if rich folks never commit suicide. But her absolutely best contribution to the saga had to have been when she said that these kinds of accusations aimed at her client were outrageous for “a man of his statue”. That’s right; there is no typographical error in that last sentence. Ms. Etheredge, please go away.

Let’s all wave goodbye to all the people who put together United States teams to compete in international competitions in baseball and basketball and ice hockey and golf. And let’s send the athletes with the organizers on this journey given the outstanding glory that all these folks have brought home with them from international competitions in 2006. That’s a lot of folks, so this journey will require a caravan of busses.

Former US Senator George Mitchell chairs an investigatory committee chartered by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. It has an open-ended charter to dig in and find out the depth and the breadth and the scope of performance enhancing substance use and abuse in baseball. It lacks one thing, however, subpoena power. How’s that wide-ranging investigation coming, Senator? Please, Just Go Away.

French soccer icon, Zinedine Zidane, was so enraged by trash talk about his sister that he delivered a famous head butt in the final match of the World Cup. That head butt got Zidane’s butt kicked out of the game and France lost to Italy. After weeks of sort of saying what happened without saying what happened – other than the obvious, he screwed the pooch in the biggest game of the biggest tournament in the world’s most popular sport – he accepted a hero’s welcome and “pardon” from the French. Well, they do have a lot of experience with losing, so I guess they understand and accept that kind of outcome with more equanimity than I do. But for me, I’d like Z.Z. to Just Go Away.

And that brings me to my Travelers Trifecta. These are the three people or groups of people who need to be in steerage class on a freighter shipping medical waste to be dumped in the Marianas Trench. And if one of them were to go overboard – accidentally of course – along with the stuff bound for the deepest recesses of the world’s oceans, I would not mourn for very long. I will put them in my order of outrageousness – and since I’m the one doing the writing here, I get that privilege:

3. Joe Cullen is the defensive line coach for the Detroit Lions. After getting himself arrested in a DUI situation and while waiting for that business to be adjudicated, Cullen got hungry one evening and went out to a Wendy’s drive-thru for some sustenance. After all, you can’t watch film of the Detroit Lions on an empty stomach; that would make anyone queasy. The problem is that Joe Cullen wasn’t wearing any clothing during this late night food foray. I can understand being “into your work”, but just how hard is it to remember to put your pants on when you go out to get into your car? Oh and just how much better does one evaluate film and players by having your pants off in the office? Coach Cullen, Just Go Away.

2. Chris Henry is a WR for the Cincinnati Bengals. Henry hit the law enforcement superfecta by finding himself under arrest in four different states for four different charges in a six-month period. He has become a national focus for sociopaths everywhere. Chris Henry, Just Go Away.

1. I started this list by mentioning OJ Simpson; let me close on that note. I want each and every person who thought it was a good idea for OJ to publish a book on how he would have murdered his wife and her friend – had he done it of course – and then to take the publicity campaign for that book to FOX-TV in a staged interview to Just Go Away. And I really want all of them to go far, far away. The lack of simple good taste in that idea makes it something that would be on the edge for use in a humor situation; to “green light” that as a book project and a TV special is monstrous. Let’s send all of these folks on that space exploration mission to Mars - - only let’s not wait. Ladies and gentlemen, lift off is in three days; get your butts to Cape Canaveral.

When the whole OJ book deal became so distasteful that even Ruppert Murdoch couldn’t stand the stench anymore and he pulled the plug on that project, here’s what Jeff Schultz had to say in the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

“It will be a seamless transition for Fox TV. The network has replaced O.J. Simpson’s dramatic reading, ‘My Hypothetical Murders’ with the ‘Charles Manson Christmas Special’.”

That’s it. That’s my list. I’m sticking to it.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Just because it’s the day after Christmas doesn’t mean that I’m going to ignore the weekly feature of naming the five worst NFL teams from last weekend. That’s because there were some horrendous performances out there – and not just from the horrendous teams.

5. Cowboys: Here’s a team that could have locked up a division title against an opponent that has been weak stopping the run. Dallas likes to run but they were manhandled at the line of scrimmage gaining all of 83 yards on 19 carries. That looks reasonably good until you realize that 42 of those yards came on three QB scrambles. And they got stoned at the one yard-line on three successive carries. Oh by the way, and the Dallas defense gave up over 200 yards rushing to an Eagles’ team that doesn’t run the ball all that well. Bill Parcells said he would not enumerate the things that the Cowboys failed to do on Sunday because the reporters at his news conference would have had to send out for Chinese food before he was done. Horrible.

4. Redskins: They scored 31 points for the first time since they beat Jax back when it was still warm enough outside to brew up a glass of iced tea. But the defense gave up 579 yards and 37 points to the Rams. Sean Taylor watched so many people go by him that he should be called “The Hitchhiker”. Dreadful

3. Giants: They needed to win this game at home in order to stay squarely in the middle of the playoff race. They lost 30-7 but it wasn’t nearly that close. The Giants had 74 yards passing for the day and a total of 157 yards of offense. On third down, the Giants were 0 for 10; on fourth down, they were 0 for 1. Pathetic.

2. Vikings: They scored 7 points on Thursday and those came on an interception returned for a TD. The offense did not score against a Packers’ defense that aspires to rise to the level of mediocrity one of these days. Tavaris Jackson was the Vikes’ QB and he passed for a total of 50 yards; that sure was an improvement over Brad Johnson, right? Total offense was 127 yards. The Vikes had the ball 13 times and went “three-and-out” on 9 of those possessions. Abysmal.

1. Falcons: They could have been the #6 team in the NFC all by themselves with a win over Carolina. The Panthers haven’t been tearing it up recently and Chris Weinke was at QB once again. Weinke only threw the ball 7 times for 32 yards in the game, but the Falcons still found a way to lose 10-3. Once again Michael Vick was under 50% passing for all of 109 yards and 2 INTs. Quintessentially putrid.

Please note that the Oakland Raiders are not on my list this week even though they gave a horrid account of themselves at home against KC. Scott Ostler of the SF Chronicle now says that the Raiders have a “prevent offense”; that’s one that causes such contempt on the part of opposing coaches that they will go for it on fourth and long around mid-field because they do not fear a Raiders’ drive for a score.

Notice also that the Cleveland Browns are not on this list despite a passing attack that featured a total of 123 yards and 4 INTs. The Browns – like the Raiders and the Lions – are miserable so often that some of their dismal performances become run-of-the-mill. This was one of them. And, since the game was against the equally miserable Tampa Bay Bucs, I don’t want to give that game any more attention than it already got.

Now if you happen to be one of those folks out there who is tired of Terrell Owens and his antics, you can sit back and take some solace in the fact that Owens’ Cowboys lost to the Eagles twice this year. Once Donovan McNabb orchestrated the defeat; the next time Jeff Garcia led the Eagles to victory. I think that’s called karma…

Changing sports, the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania awarded a casino license to someone for the Pittsburgh area and it was not the applicant who had promised to use proceeds to build a new arena for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Immediately, rumors circulated that the team would be moving out of town. However, I looked at the Penguins’ attendance and they are drawing in excess of 15,000 for every game and more than 16,000 for most of them - - in an arena described as out-of-date and uninviting. Oh, and the team isn’t all that good either. So, if the fans are that supportive of the team, why would they think of moving? I’m not sure I understand the basis for those rumors.

Not that I’m trying to become eligible for the Cynics Hall of Fame or anything like that, but when Pete Rose found it necessary to announce that Mark McGwire should be in the Hall of Fame and that McGwire would get Rose’s vote if Rose had one, it made me wonder:

Which sportsbook was offering odds on McGwire getting in on the first ballot this year and how much did Pete get down on that proposition?

ESPN – actually I believe it was the parent company Disney in this case – has purchased the TV rights to Arena Football; and in addition, they now own a large percentage of the league itself. One report said that “The Mouse” owned 50% of the AFL, another said it was a “large minority interest”. Whatever. In any event, you can expect several things now:

There will be AFL highlights on SportsCenter rather frequently.

AFL games will be on ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN44 and every other one of the networks that need program filler once the poker craze dies down.

The commissioner of the AFL will become a name and a face you actually recognize – at the moment, I’m not 100% certain his mother knows he holds that job.

However, let’s hope that the marketing trolls at Disney don’t think that AFL content was the only thing that kept their stupid “Sports Phone” from going over the top and use this agreement as an excuse to bring that white elephant back to life.

Memo to ESPN: Break this in gently. Do not put on a two-hour lead-in program to AFL games with a bunch of talking heads analyzing the upcoming game between the Philadelphia Soul and the Grand Rapids Rampage and speaking in hushed tones about the playoff implications of this match-up.

Finally, NHL defenseman, Alexi Zhitnik, was recently traded from the NY Islanders to the Philly Flyers. That must have jarred the memory of Steve Simmons of the Toronto Sun:

“Alexi Zhitnik, traded yesterday, was the subject of one of my favourite arena signs. It read:

Eat Zhit.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Well, I dodged a mythical bullet last weekend and actually came out ahead for a weekend where the games were mighty abstruse. And I managed to come out ahead even though:

I took the Bears and gave 13.5 points to the Bucs. The Bears led 31-3 late in the third quarter and coughed up a hairball from then on.

I took the Raiders and gave 2.5 to the Rams. The Raiders scored zero points; you can’t win and cover when you score zero points.

I took the Ravens and laid 11 points against the Browns but the Ravens only won by 10.

I made sixteen Mythical Picks and the record for the week was 9-7. That would produce a Mythical Profit of $130. That makes the yearly totals come to 127-113-3 for a Mythical Profit of $390.

There is a bunch of games this weekend that are inscrutable because they involve two unreliable teams and/or the game is totally meaningless to either team. Once again, let me suggest that games of that kind are not optimal for wagering action; there isn’t any rational handicapping to be done there. Like they used to say at the end of the daily briefing on Hill Street Blues:

“Be careful out there.”

There are two particularly bad games this weekend involving a pair of not good teams. Actually, there are three games of that ilk on the card for this weekend but Minnesota/Green Bay is the Thursday Night Game and I won’t be picking that one ex post facto. I’ll trust that you can figure out which of the other two games I think will be less than wonderful viewing experiences.

Naturally, no one here would look at the season record that is “in the black” and take that as an indication that these picks come from a font of wisdom. No one should use any information here as the basis for making a wager that involves any form of negotiable currency or property that might have a value measurable in actual currency. To do that you’d have to be dumb enough to whisper in your bathroom so that you won’t wake up all the sleeping pills in the medicine chest.

(Sat Nite 12/23) KC – 6.5 at Oakland (35.5): The Raiders are a sad sack team; KC still has a shot at the playoffs although their chances would be a whole lot better if the Chiefs had not soiled themselves against the Browns – how appropriate is that? – just two weeks ago. Presumably, the Raiders will be primed for this game as it conjures up the ghosts of a fierce rivalry of the past. I say presumably because that might resonate with Art Shell and Fred Biletnikoff, but I’m not sure it means didley-squat to the players who seem to rise to the level of uninterested when viewed on the sidelines. The only part of the Raiders’ team that is decent is their defense and so I think the game can be close. I’ll hold my nose and take the Raiders with the points here only because this is a Mythical Pick. My suggestion to you is to hold your money and put it in that lockbox that Al Gore kept talking about in the election of 2000.

Tennessee at Buffalo – 4 (36.5): Both teams are 7-7 and both teams have a shot at the playoffs. No one thought that either team would be in this position back around Halloween. While the Bills have been winning with a decent defense and an unspectacular offense, the Titans have been pulling rabbits out of hats. Tennessee’s win over Indy was good but the win over Jax last weekend was a bit of a mirage. They won 24-21 but their three TDs came on interception or fumble returns. I know the old magician’s adage that it’s easy to pull a rabbit out of a hat – so long as you remembered to put the rabbit in there in the first place. Nonetheless, I think it’s time for the rabbit to disappear from the hat. I like Buffalo to win and cover here and I like the game OVER. No parlay of those two bets. And if you happen to like the Titans here, shop the line; you can find it as high as 5 at one sportsbook.

New Orleans at Giants – 3 (47.5): The last time New Orleans played in the Meadowlands, the NFL tried to convince us that the Saints were the “home team”. It began their vagabond 2005 season. They are not vagabonds this year; at the moment, they would have a bye in the first round of the playoffs and a home game (a real one in the Super Dome) in the second round. They were as flat as the chest on a runway model last week and it will behoove them not to do that again this week. The Giants have been sharp at times this year and dumber than a doorstop at other times. Last week they were dumb and the rallying cry this week is that they need to win one for their fans – in the final home game. I’ll let the Giants in on a little secret here; the fans pay your salaries; it’s always a good idea to win a game or two for them. I’m going to assume that the Saints show up to play this weekend and so I’ll take them with the points here. I also want the game OVER but no parlay, thank you very much

Carolina at Atlanta – 6.5 (40): Atlanta is still in the playoff picture in the NFC. Carolina is not mathematically eliminated, but even the equipment manager there knows that it’s over for the Panthers in 2006. The Panthers lost big to the Steelers last week and it was a total team effort. The injured and beleaguered defense gave up 37 points; the offense scored 3 points. Who will play QB for Carolina this week? Who is still healthy enough to play on the Panthers’ DL this week? Which Michael Vick will show up this weekend – “Magnificent Michael” or his evil twin? Please do not wager on this game. I’ll consult my Ouija board here and it says that it is also confused but it takes the Falcons to win and cover.

Washington at St. Louis – 2 (43.5): This is a game featuring two bad teams bound for obscurity. It’s one of the games that will identify the NFL Films crews that are on the bottom level of the pecking order there; they get to put this game in the can for posterity. The Rams – despite shutting out the Raiders last week – still give up lots of points and the Rams just don’t stop the run. Jason Campbell shows promise as an NFL QB, but the Skins’ best weapon at the moment is a power running attack. That should work very well against a Rams’ defense that is undersized and depends on eleven-year vet Le Roi Glover to control the line of scrimmage. He just can’t do that any more for 65 or 70 snaps of the ball. Even the no-account Cardinals scored 34 points on the Rams. Washington’s defense relies on players who would rather deliver a “highlight hit” than make a sure tackle, so it can be vulnerable to big plays. But I think that the Skins can control this game from start to finish if they show up ready to play and stick to the run. Give me the Skins with the points here.

Indy at Houston – 8.5 (47): The Colts have a reason to play a meaningful game here. They are tied for second place in the AFC at the moment with the Ravens; whichever team winds up with the #2 seed gets a bye week and a home game in the playoffs. A home game in the playoffs is always a desirable thing, but for Indy it’s a really big deal. So I expect them to play hard here even coming off a Monday night game and having to travel the next week. Houston has played a couple of tough games this year – just ask the Jags about that – but they also throw in a stinker or two along the way and last week’s game against the Pats was a diaperful of stink. I just don’t think the Texans have a sufficient running game to exploit the run defense weakness of the Colts and I remain convinced that the Colts passing game outclasses the Houston defense. So, even with a fat line and a team on the road after a Monday night game, I’ll take the Colts to win and cover – for Mythical Picks only.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh – 4 (36): Baltimore is the AFC North champion; they are in the playoffs. They are tied with the Colts for that coveted #2 spot in the AFC and have a shot at the top rung on the ladder if the Chargers stub their toe along the way because the Ravens beat the Chargers back when there were still leaves on the trees. The Steelers are not out of playoff contention but they don’t control things either. The last time these two teams met, the Ravens won 27-0 and it wasn’t nearly that close. So this line seems to reflect the Steelers’ revenge factor and their home field preference and the possibility that Kyle Boller will be under center for some if not all of the plays on offense for the Ravens. Still, in a low scoring game I’ll take the Ravens with the points here.

Tampa at Cleveland – 3 (35): This is a game featuring two bad teams bound for obscurity. It’s one of the games that will identify the NFL Films crews that are on the bottom level of the pecking order there; they get to put this game in the can for posterity. Remember when your mother tried to teach you not to say anything at all if you didn’t have anything nice to say? Yeah, my mother did too. But she didn’t have to try to write something about this open latrine trench of a game. After scoring four TDs in the final 16 minutes against the Bears last week, the Bucs will start Tim Rattay at QB instead of Bruce Gradkowski. I can’t get excited about that because Rattay has had the chance to be a starter before and he couldn’t hold the job against competition such as Alex Smith in his rookie year and Ken Dorsey. I’m underwhelmed. At the same time, the QB line-up for the Browns hardly inspires anything other than heartburn. Charlie Frye has given way to Derek Anderson; I doubt that Canton needs to take note here. It could be worse; the other QB on the Cleveland roster is the aforementioned Ken Dorsey who would only be my starting QB if my choice were between him and Tommy Dorsey – who remains dead after 50 years on the other side of the grass. I’ve procrastinated enough now; I can’t stall forever; I guess I have to make a pick. Give me the Browns at home in cold weather to win and cover here. I am tempted to take the game UNDER, but I’ll resist that temptation because I haven’t been able to resist any of the temptations to eat a ton of Christmas cookies around the house here.

Chicago – 5 at Detroit (42): This is a meaningless game. Chicago will have a first round bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs; Detroit is 2-12 and that record seems to be a fair representation of the level of competence on that squad. Oh, and the Lions will have to play without the guidance of DL coach, Joe Cullen, this week who will sit out a suspension for DWN (Driving While Nude) through a fast-food pick-up line. The impact of his loss is incalculable… So, what to do here? Play the team that only wants to get out of the game with no injuries and lay points in the process? Or play a team that lacks talent - an important ingredient for NFL competition - and get less than two field goals’ worth of points? My Ouija board says to take the Lions plus the points on the road. I know this game is on Christmas Eve, but hitting this pick would be a huge Christmas present for anyone wagering real cash on the game. If you are thinking of betting the game for real, ask yourself if you believe in Santa Claus to deliver that present…

New England at Jax – 3.5 (37.5): Let’s get the geography out of the way first. Jax is so much better at home than on the road that it isn’t funny. New England has had difficulties playing in Florida in the past, but those travails have usually been in southern Florida not northeastern Florida. The Jags have two really good running backs but both have some “injury issues”. It’s not certain that both can play or if they can play at anything approaching their full ability. If the Jags can’t run, they have a huge problem against the Pats’ defense. Meanwhile, the Jags defense can bring a lot of pressure and if you are going to keep the Pats in check, you have to put pressure on Tom Brady. They cannot allow him to sit back and look over the offers that came in yesterday’s mail relative to his next set of commercial endorsements before having to select which receiver got open the most. Bill Belichick’s assistant coaches tend to be in great demand as head coaches; Jack Del Rio’s right hand man on the coaching staff is Mike Tice whose nickname around the league is “Meathead”. I like the Pats with the points, thank you very much.

Arizona at SF – 4 (45): Back in August, you might have circled the game and figured that the loser would get the first pick in the 2007 NFL Draft. Six weeks ago, this game looked like dog meat on the schedule. But the Niners actually are still alive in the playoff hunt and with the Seahawks playing as poorly as they have for the past two weeks, they could theoretically win the NFC West at 8-8. Arizona is a team playing out the string and wondering if Dennis Green can make it from the end of the final game on December 31st to New Year’s Day as the coach of this menagerie. Frank Gore is having a really fine season in SF and is flying totally under the radar because everyone is focused on LaDanian Tomlinson and Larry Johnson and Tiki Barber and “Fast” Willie Parker. Folks, Frank Gore has a shot at gaining 1700 yards this year and the fact that he’s going against this sorry-assed defense this week should not hurt his chances. The 49ers should be 7-8 when they wake up on Christmas morning after they win here and if Seattle loses to San Diego – as they should – the Seahawks will be only 8-7. Back in August, Mike Nolan and his staff could not have asked for a better Christmas present. I like the 49ers to win and cover here.

Cincy at Denver – 3.5 (44.5): Both teams want to be in the playoffs – but you’d never know it by the way they’ve been playing. And the team that loses here is more than likely to miss the playoffs. So, this is sort of a playoff game in terms of the teams’ needing to win to play on; and that makes this the best game of the week. The Broncos finally won a game after losing four in a row; that sounds like a turnaround except the beat the Cardinals and that almost doesn’t count. The Bengals have a short week and have to travel to Denver after laying a huge egg on MNF against the Colts. The winner here has the inside track to the wild card slot. On one hand, you are asking a banged-up Denver defense to shut down Carson Palmer, Chad Johnson, TJ Houshmenzadeh and Chris Henry for a second consecutive week. On the other hand, you are asking a very inconsistent Bengals’ pass defense to stop a Denver offense being run by a raw rookie QB. I have no idea how this game will play out so I’ll consult the Ouija board now. It says take the game OVER.

San Diego – 4 at Seattle (46.5): San Diego is in a happy place now; they lead the AFC; if the playoffs started now, they would get a week off and then play any and all future games in Qualcomm Stadium. A loss to Seattle could jeopardize all that because the Ravens own the tiebreaker over the Chargers. So, the Chargers have something to play for. Seattle needs a win to wrap up the NFC West; that gives them a tangible reason to play hard. I don’t think that will be sufficient here. I also think that this line is significantly smaller than it would be on a neutral field because the betting public still thinks, “the Seahawks never lose at home”. That used to be close to true, but if you look carefully at the results for this year, the Seahawks have already lost two games outright at Qwest Field. I think San Diego is a significantly better team and that it will show up ready to play. When Seattle loses here and San Francisco wins against the Cards, the final week will make or break the NFC West champion. The schedule favors Seattle because the 49ers have to travel to Denver while the Seahawks travel to Tampa Bay. But you never know… And if they both wind up 8-8, the 49ers win the West because they swept the Seahawks this year. I’ll take the Chargers to win and cover here.

(Mon 12/25) Philly at Dallas – 7 (46): This game starts at 5:00 EST (2:00 on the West Coast) on Christmas Day. How’s that working out for the family Christmas dinner? The winner of this game will be the leader in the NFC East because if the Eagles win, they’ll own the tiebreakers over Dallas with a season sweep and a better Division record. I just don’t think that’s gonna happen. The Eagles will need a super-human effort from their defense to keep this game close enough to pull out in the fourth quarter because I don’t see them getting a dumb game plan or a bunch of bone-headed play calling from the Cowboys’ staff this week – as they did from the Giants staff last week. I like Dallas to win and cover here. I also like this game OVER. No parlay though

(Mon 12/25) Jets at Miami – 3 (36.5): This game starts at 8:30 EST (5:30 on the West Coast) on Christmas Day. How’s that working out for the family Christmas dinner? Miami could have set this game up as big one as they pushed toward the playoffs – had they not wet the bed against the Bills last weekend. Joey Harrington was so bad they replaced him with Cleo Lane at QB; given that the Dolphins were shut out, they would have done just as well with Miss Cleo or Lois Lane. The Jets can get to 10 wins for the year with a victory here and a season ending win over the Raiders in the Meadowlands. There are three other teams at 8-6 in the AFC; Jax has to play the Pats this week and the Chiefs the next; Cincy plays Denver this week so one of them will be a loser. A win here will go a LONG way to putting the Jets in the playoffs. So, I’ll take the Jets with the points here.

Good luck.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Sports are supposed to be about excellence in achievement. That seems to be on the wane these days. In lots of youth sports leagues around the country, every kid gets a trophy at the end of they year; the trend it to downplay “winning more games than someone else” in favor or “recognizing participation and personal growth through shared experiences”. If that kind of balderdash were limited to leagues that were organized and run by a bunch of well-meaning but addle headed do-gooders, the sports world would be a lot better off. Alas, that is not the case.

Mediocrity not only exists in sports; it has its own very generous rewards. Ted Lilly is a career .500 pitcher; he’s going to make a guaranteed $10M a year for the next four years. That’s a fat reward for mediocrity, no? More than half the college football teams playing Division 1-A football will participate in bowl games this year; more than half the NHL teams will be in the Stanley Cup playoffs; more than half the teams in the NBA make the playoffs. Two-thirds of the MLS teams make the playoffs and that would be outrageous if anyone even cared that MLS existed let alone held playoffs. It’s hard to look at those situations objectively without concluding that mediocrity carries its own rewards.

And before NFL fans puff up their chests and point out that they have a more “exclusive” guest list for their playoffs, let me remind those NFL fans of Pete Rozelle’s favorite word - - parity. The NFL still trumpets “parity” because it sounds so much better than “mediocrity”. But the fact is that the NFL was built on the “parity”/”mediocrity” business model. Consider that with two weeks to go in the season, 24 of the 32 teams have a mathematical chance to make the playoffs. That’s because there are so few good teams and so many mediocre teams. Allow me a few examples:

The Titans started off with an 0-5 record. They could make the playoffs. They’re 7-7 at the moment.

The Steelers were 2-6 not long ago. They could make the playoffs. They’re 7-7 at the moment.

The Panthers are 6-8 with a four game losing streak and they could still make the playoffs.

The Rams are 2-7 in their last nine games but still have a mathematical shot at the playoffs.

Seven NFC teams – one shy of half the conference – have a record of 7-7 or 6-8.

The schedule works out such that it is possible for 8 NFC teams (half the conference) to wind up with a final record of 8-8. Maybe they should break all those tied records with a tournament where the coaches all play that card game you learned as a kid, Crazy Eights.

Two years ago, the NFC had two teams make the playoffs with 8-8 records; this year, the NFC West champion could be 8-8 and both wild card teams could be 8-8. That is mediocrity however you want to gussie it up.

With all the whoop-de-damn-doo about the Colts’ miserable rushing defense, I wondered if the Colts might be able to set a record for most yards allowed on the ground in a season. A friend who is a stat monster found the record for me when I could not come up with it easily. The answer is that the record is pretty much out of reach. The Colts have allowed 2427 yards rushing through 14 games (173.4 yards per game). In no way is that something to take pride in if you are an Indianapolis Colt, but the record could only be reached if the Colts fielded a Pop Warner League defense for the next two games.

In 1978, the Buffalo Bills allowed 3,228 yards rushing for the season; that’s more than 200 yards per game on average for an entire year. The Colts would have to allow 801 yards rushing in their final two games to tie this record. I think that falls into the realm of the “unpossible”.

The Sixers have found a deal to rid them of Allen Iverson. He will go to Denver and the Sixers will not get back anything close to his real value; such is the reality of trading top-shelf players in the NBA. The Sixers will get Joe Smith who was an overall #1 pick when he came out of college before it became clear that he was really “Joe Average” as a player. Smith’s biggest claim to fame is that he was the guy who was given a “secret” contract sweetener that made the Timberwolves go over the salary cap and the team got caught doing that. The owner and GM had to stay away from the team for a year and they lost a bunch of 1st round picks (three as I recall). All of that for “Joe Average”!

The Sixers also get Andre Miller who is a serviceable point guard who will never be mistaken for an outstanding point guard. They also get Ivan McFarlin, a rookie power forward who has played less than 4 minutes a game in Denver. And they get two first round picks next summer from Denver that should be in the lower half of the first round. Miller can play as long as the Sixers find other people to be the team focus. Smith’s value is that his contract expires this year and they can send him into the world of free agency to see if any other team would want to spend money on him. That will begin to clear some salary cap room and if they can find a way to unload Chris Webber too, they will be in good shape with regard to the cap. If they can’t, Webber is next year’s “expiring contract” and so he may have trade value then. McFarlin is a guy who allows them to have enough folks at a practice to run five players against five players on the court.

The prognosis for the Sixers is simple. They’ve won five games so far this year; they won’t win more than 20 for the season. If they get lucky and are able to draft Greg Oden, they might turn around in a couple of years. If not, then it will be a while until they matter in terms of the NBA power structure.

Meanwhile, Denver gets a scorer to fill in while Carmelo Anthony sits out his month long suspension for the MSG Brawl last weekend. That’s good. But unless the Nuggets have found a way to have two basketballs on the floor simultaneously, I don’t see how Iverson and Anthony are going to co-exist over the long haul. Time will tell.

Speaking of the NBA, I noticed that Adam Morrison, Emeka Okefor and Sean May all play for the Charlotte Bobcats. Too bad the Bobcats have to play in the NBA and can’t enter the March Madness tournament where all three of those guys dominated games. Oh well.

Finally, some individuals’ destiny is reflected in their names. Did you realize that the Deseret Morning News has an outdoors editor and writer named Ray Grass?

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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It’s Tuesday and so it’s time for the five worst NFL teams from last weekend:

5. Cincy: They had a lot to play for; they could have grabbed the top spot in the AFC wild-card race and stayed alive for the AFC North title. They laid an egg offensively and while it’s not embarrassing to give the Colts 34 points, the Bengals’ defense made it look easy for the Colts.

4. Texans: To give you an idea of how inept the offense was here, they punted the ball 7 times and threw 4 INTs. That’s the formula for a drubbing and it worked here to the tune of 40-7.

3. Panthers: This was a game to keep them in the midst of the wild-card race. All they managed to get was a field goal on offense while the defense gave up 37 points. Baaaad!

2. Dolphins: Another season, another abortive late-season run. Where was the momentum from beating the Pats last week? The Dolphins gagged – no two ways about it.

1. Raiders: They were shut out; they were shut out by the Rams’ defense; they were shut out for the third time this season; they were shut out at home. Pathetic!

I have to say that I was tempted to put the Chicago Bears on this list at #5 because even though they won, they did not cover themselves in glory on Sunday. The Bears scored 31 points in regulation and needed OT to beat the Bucs. Excuse me? The Bears defense – the unit that will have to carry them in the playoffs if this team is going to do anything – ceded 31 points to the Bucs? Here are some overview stats to give you some perspective on just how bad that was:

Six times this season the Bucs have gone an entire game without scoring a TD on offense. On Sunday, they scored 4 TDs in the second half in the span of 15 minutes and 25 seconds.

Up until they scored that first TD on Sunday, the Bucs had gone 43 consecutive possessions without a single TD. Then they scored 4 times in a row.

The Bucs led the NFL in “three-and-outs” coming into the game and started out with nothing but “three-and-outs”. The Bears showed no killer instinct here. Normally, that would bode ill for the playoffs where they would face good offensive teams - - except they are in the NFC, where there aren’t any consistently good offensive teams.

Another less than thrilling performance from last weekend came from the Giants. The Eagles rush defense is nothing to write home about but the Giants gave up running the ball when they failed to gain more than 10 yards per carry. Why would they have a game plan to throw the ball 40 times and run it only 22 times? Don’t be fooled by the score. This game was a one-possession game until the Eagles returned an interception for a TD with just over 2 minutes to play in the game. The Giants were not playing catch-up; they chose to throw the ball two times out of three. Why?

By the way, do you think that Eli and Archie Manning might be having any second thoughts about their “pissy” behavior that made Eli into a Giant and kept him from playing for the San Diego Chargers? They should.

Back in the seventies, the Dallas Cowboys used this new-fangled contraption called a computer to rank college players for drafting purposes. It worked; the Cowboys made some terrific “discoveries” and got some excellent players in the draft that other teams never heard of. That “advantage” is long since gone. But two franchises in 2006 have rosters built on drafted players that show good draft day acumen.

The Baltimore Ravens have scoured the “obscure schools” and have found a lot of NFL talent playing there. The Ravens have found Adalius Thomas, Bart Scott and Dawan Landry out there and all have been starters for the Ravens this year. In addition, the Ravens served as the “point-of-entry” into the NFL for Will Demps and Priest Holmes. None of those players was a household name as a collegian.

The San Diego Chargers seem to be masters of the draft-day trade. In 2001, they had the #1 pick in the draft and Michael Vick was out there. They swapped picks with Atlanta and picked up another pick. The Falcons got Vick; the Chargers got LaDanian Tomlinson and Drew Brees with their two picks. Then in 2004, the Chargers had the #1 pick again and the Mannings threw their little fit about where Eli was and was not going to play football. The Chargers made a deal with the Giants to give them Eli Manning and got Phillip Rivers, Shawne Merriman and Nate Keading in return. You’d have to categorize both of those trades as a fleecing by the Chargers.

David Stern handed out suspensions for the brawl in Madison Square Garden over the weekend. Carmelo Anthony got the longest suspension (15 games) for escalating the fight once things seemed to be calming down. Looking at the tape, that seems to be the case. However, Nate Robinson only got 10 games and if had not been the “third man in” – to borrow a phrase from the NHL which knows a thing or two about in-game fights – this situation would never have gotten to the point where Anthony would have felt the need to throw a sucker punch.

David Stern has an image problem for his league. Among the sports fans in the general public, there is a significant fraction that believes that the NBA is made up of thugs and sociopaths who happen to be very tall and very athletic. And that portion of the sports fans has turned away from the NBA in significant numbers. This brawl was shown on TV at least a bazillion times; the suspensions will do little to convince those who have turned away from the NBA to give it another look-see.

And by the way, since NBA games in December and January are only ever so slightly above the level of “meaningless”, what is the true impact of these suspensions? The answer is - - not a whole hell of a lot.

Here’s what I expect will happen in a couple of months. The Knicks are under orders from ownership to show significant improvement this year or the coach/GM could get himself a ticket out of town. Well, I would not be surprised if some folks used this brawl to demonstrate how much more passionate the players were this year as opposed to last year’s sleepwalking team as part of the “significant improvement” shown this season. Stay tuned…

Finally, a note from Dwight Perry in the Seattle Times about another basketball brawl:

“A brawl during a Dallas high-school basketball game last Friday got so out of hand that not only was the game suspended with 5:04 left to play, but police responded with SWAT units.

“Or as they’re better known in basketball circles, outside shooters.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Does anyone remember “Commitment to Excellence” and/or “Pride and Poise”? Those were more than slogans; those phrases represented what the Oakland Raiders franchise sought in its teams from year to year. And it worked. The Raiders were a great franchise for a long time. After yesterday’s game, Al Davis said something along the lines that he wanted to win and that he would make it work for the Raiders. That’s not nearly the same thing.

The Raiders were shut out for the third time this season and for the second time at home. That’s awful; and the awfulness compounds upon the fact that this shutout came at the hands of the St. Louis Rams whose defense had been giving up just over 25 points per game this year. The Raiders turned the ball over 3 times on interceptions and had another play that should count as a turnover. When the blocking broke down in a punting situation, Raiders’ punter Matt Turk had to eat the ball instead of kicking it and having it blocked. That kind of performance often leads to losing, but to suffer three shutouts in a season with all the rule changes to favor the offense in the last 20 years is outrageous.

Aaron Brooks said after the game, “It’s embarrassing because we’re better than that.” Sorry, if you can’t score on the Rams’ defense after playing 13 games in a season, you aren’t better than that. You just stink! Brooks seems to have a personal streak going in terms of strange comments after games. This one was off-center but last week he responded to negative comments about the offense by saying “I swear to God, we’re trying out there.” You might be able to sense just how far this franchise has fallen; neither of those statements would ever have come into Ken Stabler’s mind …

One more Raiders note, they gave up 4 sacks yesterday bringing the season total to 66. But even the ineptitude of this Raiders team cannot possibly assault the NFL record for sacks allowed in a season. That record stands at 104 by the 1986 Eagles. When you are in a discussion about “sports records that may never be broken”, keep that one in mind. It represents an average of 6.5 sacks per game!

The Raiders along with the Detroit Lions are in a free-fall to see who will garner the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft next spring. The Lions have been miserable for so long that even I have to fire up some long dormant synapses to recall the days when the Lions inspired feared as a franchise. That would be in the 1950s with Bobby Layne at QB and Joe Schmidt at middle linebacker and Dick “Night Train” Lane in the secondary. It’s not a certainty, but let’s assume that the Lions get that first pick for a moment. I read somewhere that the Lions have had the first overall pick three times in the past and they have drafted the Heisman Trophy winner all three times. So, should we pencil in Troy Smith as a Detroit Lion under those circumstances?

Lots of folks project that Notre Dame QB, Brady Quinn, will be the first overall selection in the draft and become someone’s “franchise quarterback”. Here’s what a team drafting Brady Quinn should hope for:

That Brady Quinn will be as productive at QB as the “Brady” that plays in New England has been.

The Lions do have a shot at the first overall pick based on their recent history. In the ignominy-filled “Matt Millen Era”, the Lions record in December is 5-21. That’s even worse than their cumulative record in that “Era” of 23-71… Ouch!

A strange story developed over the weekend. Former NFL QB, Quincy Carter was arrested and charged with possession of marijuana in Irving Texas. Given that Carter had run-ins with the NFL substance abuse policies during his career, that’s not what makes this story strange. The really strange part of it is that he was released on $500 bail and the bond was posted by Randy Galloway who is a sports columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Carter did not have $500 to bail himself out of jail; this is a guy who played in the NFL for about 5 years; I remember him with the Cowboys and the Jets; he may have played for someone else too. I recall he went to camp with a CFL team (Montreal I think) and was cut without making the squad. He was also drafted by a MLB team and spent some time in the minor leagues. So, although he never made any “eight figure salaries” in his career, he made more money than most folks do by the age of 30 - - yet he didn’t have $500 to post bond for himself.

Here’s what Randy Galloway had to say about his involvement in this matter as reported in the rival paper, the Dallas Morning News:

“I’ve had a lot of fun with Quincy over the years, his problems and everything else. But it’s Christmas, and Quincy Carter is in jail and I hate to see that happen… For him to be in the position today where he can’t post a $500 bond, there’s unfortunate problems in his life.”

Kudos to Randy Galloway here – though he certainly does not need words of praise or acclaim from me. But as I looked at this situation, it came to me that there is a void that the NFL marketing weasels have not filled. There is a niche market that cries out for a “promotional partnership” with the NFL and when it’s filled, it will be NFL players who can benefit. Here’s what we need:

Big Jake’s Bail Bond Services LLC - - The Official Bail Bondsman of the NFL.

Finally, recalling the brouhaha that developed when it became known that the Dolphins had used audio tapes of previous Patriots’ games to try to get an edge and understand Tom Brady’s calls at the line of scrimmage, Greg Cote had this observation in the Miami Herald:

“Let it be hereby stated that coach Nick Saban officially missed a rare opportunity by not claiming his team’s controversial eavesdropping was authorized under The Patriot Act.”

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…

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Were I a profiteer, I would announce that I had a spectacular weekend of “mythical picking” last week and was now going to charge money for folks to be allowed to lay their eyes on my weekly selections. I made 17 picks last weekend. My record was 16-1. That produced a Mythical Profit of $1490 for the week.

Such a huge week was even sufficient to drag my sorry-assed record from the depths of red ink into the glorious state of Mythical Profit for the season. The season totals now stand at 118-106-3 for a cumulative Mythical Profit of $260.

I am not a profiteer; I am not going into the tout business. And I hope that answers the questions posed by more than a few readers who tripped over last week’s incredible record and wanted to know how they could purchase the “service” that I must have on the side that picks only those few games that I really like. Now hear this, that service does not exist and I’m not going to start it.

In case anyone thinks that I’m going “all moral on you”, that’s not the point. I don’t encourage anyone to wager on anything if he doesn’t want to, but I also do not discourage anyone from getting down on a couple of lines a week if that interests him. And I always encourage moderation in wagering. What I do not want to do is to put myself in the position of being responsible for other people making wagers they might not have made had I not made some pronouncement on some proposition. I do not generally avoid responsibility, but that’s not one I want to take on.

I very specifically do not wish to associate myself with the shriekers on radio and TV who hawk their selection services with shrill voices and the promise of inside information. I can shriek with the best of them, but I assure you that I have no inside information. Over the years, I have made the Internet acquaintance of a gentleman in Houston, TX who has provided wagering advice to clients in the past. I don’t know if he continues to do that but “The Houston Gentleman” definitely knows his way around the world of wagering and spreads and totals and propositions. If anyone here really wants a recommendation for a pay-as-you-go football picking service, I’d be willing to ask “The Houston Gentleman” for a referral on your behalf if he’s no longer “working with clients”.

Just in case anyone thinks that last weekend was a normal one and is preparing to bet the farm on whatever picks follow here, let me remind you that I was way behind for the year prior to last weekend’s highly unusual weekly outcome. No one should use any information here as the basis for making an actual wager involving real money. You’d have to be pretty dumb to do that - - dumb enough to think your doctor is telling you that you are a calendar when he says your days are numbered.

General Comments:

As I said last week in the wrap-up of Mythical Picks for NCAA games, picking bowl games is like playing the lottery; you don’t know which teams will show up for which games with a sense of importance and focus out there on the field. I likened college bowl games to NFL Exhibition games in terms of wagering prospects. I stand by that comment.

Now let me say that many NFL games in December are just a small step above that level of guesswork when it comes to wagering propositions. The NFL season is mathematically over for a few teams and even the coaches of a half dozen other teams know that all they are doing is pumping sunshine up the butts of the local fans by talking about how there is still a glimmer of hope for a playoff slot. Now hear this; the number of teams with REAL playoff shots is no more than sixteen – and twelve will get in. There are not 24 teams with any REAL hopes here.

The players know this; the coaches know this; the performances on the field will demonstrate this as soon as adversity strikes one of those 8-10 playoff pretenders. And you don’t want to have money riding on a game that needs for something like that to happen or not happen in order for you to cash your ticket. And if the game happens to involve two teams with no real hope, then the guys are “playing for pride”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my money riding on which group of spoiled and self-entitled athletes will show more or less “pride” in their professional accomplishments – as opposed to their posing – on any given Sunday.

Oh and then there’s the “weather factor” in December for more than a few NFL cities with outdoor venues…

That’s a long way to tell you, there are lots of games from now until December 31 that should not have a dollar wagered on them. But I’ll still make Mythical Picks because this is just a lark.

There are two games this week matching teams that are out of it. These games will be bleak affairs. I think you’ll be able to figure out which games they are as you read on…

The NFL Network had Seattle/SF on Thursday night this week and the spread on that game varied from 9.5 to 10.5 at various sportsbooks with Seattle as the favorite. The 49ers won outright by 10 so they beat the spread by about 3 TDs. If this is the time of year when it is difficult to pick games because motivation may or may not find its way onto the field, then it is even more difficult to wager on games with double-digit spreads. Sadly, there will be five other games at or right up against double-digit spreads this weekend. Forget another weekend of 16-1; I’ll be thrilled to come out of this weekend ‘s card even for the week.

(Sat Nite) Dallas – 3 at Atlanta (43): This is an NFL Network game in prime time on Saturday night. Remember that NFLN is evil and you need to boycott wagering on NFLN games. This is a mythical pick; you should make only a mythical wager. Atlanta still has a playoff shot; for Dallas to miss the playoffs in the NFC would take a very serious self-inflicted wound. Both teams are flawed. Atlanta lives by running the football but they have two running backs who were injured in last week’s game. The “story” is that Michael Vick may play some running back this week; that’s probably great news for the Panthers and Eagles who are in the playoff race with the Falcons and who have to play the Falcons in the next two weeks. I’ll bet they’d just love to have a Cowboy linebacker give Vick a high ankle sprain sometime this weekend. Dallas’ most glaring weakness is their inability to get their safeties to cover any pass receiver who can run faster than a hot water heater. After watching the Cowboys suck wind against the Saints, I’m beginning to wonder if the whole team slept through Bill Parcell’s speech on what it takes to win a championship. I like Dallas to win and cover here. I also like this game OVER. No parlay though…

Jets at Minnesota – 3.5 (42): I had the Jets penciled in for a wild card slot in the playoffs because of their creampuff schedule down the stretch, but when the Jets spit the bit last week at home against the Bills, I took out my eraser and made them one of the teams jockeying for position. Minnesota’s win last week gives them a real shot at a 9-7 record because this is the best opponent they’ll play for the rest of the year. The loser of this game can book a Caribbean cruise for the family st