The Sports Curmudgeon

Whilst I was away, the Detroit Lions broke the ice and got rid of the first NFL coach for the season. Steve Mariucci got the axe after the Lions simply went “paws up” on the national Thanksgiving Day game. Many folks believe that GM, Matt Millen should have been fired too; that would not have offended me because the Lions are a long distance from being a good team and that reflects on everyone making decisions about that team. Now Dick Jauron is the interim coach there and according to reports, he didn’t really want to be the interim head coach; that tells me there are some endemic problems there. I could go on here about the futility of the Lions’ franchise over the past several decades but I’d rather focus on what other coaching changes might happen this year as teams surge – or stumble – their way to the finish line.

At this instant, Mike Tice seems to have saved his job. The Vikings are 7-5 and actually look as if they might be a serious playoff contender. The team is playing hard – particularly on defense – and if they get into the playoffs, he might actually get a new deal from Zygi Wilf. But Tice has to be on any list of potential coaches to be looking for employment next February because of the scandal and controversy surrounding the team and the real possibility that the Vikings could resort to their longstanding practice of gagging in the late season games that mean something. His “hotseat” is not on the highest setting; he’s only in simmering water not boiling water…

[Before anyone sends me a snarky note telling me that simmering water and boiling water are exactly the same temperature, I know that already. I’m using imagery here not scientific description.]

Dom Capers will need a miracle to survive as the coach in Houston until opening day of next season. In fact, he should be known as “Doom” Capers as of now because that is what his tenure with the Texans looks to be. Someone needs to be held accountable for the team’s horrid showing this year and he is a prime candidate. Should GM Charlie Casserley – or Sir Charles of the Casserole, as I prefer to call him – exit stage left along with Capers? Well, if the team architect – whomever that might be – actually thought that the Texans’ offensive line was even borderline competent going into this year, then the team architect should be drawn and quartered before being fired. I’m sure that beleaguered QB, David Carr, would have to agree that the line in front of him is about as effective as was the Maginot Line in World War II. And if you look at this team, they have drafted for offense in the past couple of years and the result is that the Texans’ offense has risen all the way to the level of “pathetic”. Coaching or team assembly? That’s your choice to make, but I’d fire both of these jamokes.

After all the stories about backstabbing and interoffice political intrigues in St. Louis, I can’t see how Mike Martz will be coming back to the Rams after he beats back the infection that put his heart in jeopardy. In fact, there are reports now that Martz might be recovering faster than anticipated but the Rams are saying that they don’t see how he could possibly return to the sidelines anytime this year. If I were an artist painting Martz’ portrait, I’d paint him gone.

Based on multiple reports, the Chiefs may be looking for a new coach next year not because Dick Vermeil’s team has underachieved or somnambulated through the season. The fact is that Vermeil may be ready to hang up the jockstrap for real this time. Let me give the young folks who might be reading this a perspective on Vermeil’s career; when he began as a head coach in the NFL – for the Eagles – Jimmy Carter was the President. Or maybe it was at the tail end of the Gerald Ford administration? He’s been at this for a long time and just maybe he wants to do something else with his life and his family now. And if he does leave, that fuels the next potential NFL opening…

Herman Edwards played for Vermeil in Philly; they have remained close for more than 25 years and they reportedly talk to each other at least weekly even during the season. Now the Jets have had a nightmare of a season with injuries that no team could reasonably expect to overcome. But someone will have to take a fall for that and it could be Edwards or GM, Terry Bradway. If Vermeil retires and has the skids greased for Edwards to have a safe landing in KC, look for Herm to annoy the NY folks just enough to get fired so he can get outta town before the massive restructuring of the Jets – something that will have to take place – begins to happen. Jets’ fans are already beginning their breathing exercises so that they can boo whomever the Jets pick with their Top 5 selection in the draft next spring.

I realize that the Green Bay Packers have had massive injury problems too, but their season has been so hugely disappointing and malodorous that I would not be shocked to see Mike Sherman take a giant icicle up his butt on his way out of town. There’s a new GM in Green Bay and human nature has to suggest that this new GM would want a coach of his own choosing instead of coach he inherited from a previous regime. The Packers have won two games this year and have four left to play. Winning three out of the final four might – I said might – save Sherman’s job. Anything less and he can finally go somewhere where his feet might be warm sometime between October 31 and April 15.

When Denny Green took over the Arizona Cardinals, everyone thought he would markedly improve that sad-sack team and make it respectable. Well, that hasn’t happened; and to a large extent because it hasn’t happened, the Cards still play to home crowds that run in the 30 – 35 thousand range for a decent visiting opponent. The Cardinals of the NFL are the equivalent of the Cubs in MLB in terms of being losers of longstanding tradition. Recall that the Cardinals began their existence in Chicago; coincidence? Denny Green will probably survive this year due to the parsimony of owner Bill Bidwell and his dislike for paying people not to work. But if it were not for the tight purse strings on Bidwell’s wallet – he probably thinks there is a man-eating moth in his wallet and he keeps it in his pocket to protect everyone in the neighborhood – Green would be back “on the high road” looking for a new coaching gig and a new team to lead to mediocrity.

Norv Turner is another coach who could really use a late season run if he wants to coach the Raiders next year. But maybe he really doesn’t want to do that because when I look at the Raiders I see a team that needs to be blown up down to the foundation pieces and reconstructed over a period of several years. You know Al Davis won’t do that because he can’t bring himself to look at his team analytically and you know that even if he tried to do it, he’d find a way to screw it up midway through the process with a preposterous signing of some talented problem child. So, Turner – or whoever is the stuckee that gets that job if Turner gets axed – will have to preside over a team with a core of over the hill egotistical players who can no longer do what allowed them to be egotistical players and get away with it. Turner should hope to be fired to spare him the agony; if the Raiders continue to play the way they have for the past couple of weeks, this long root canal of tenure in Oakland may be over for Norv real soon.

Brian Billick won a Super Bowl in Baltimore but the Ravens have been disappointing at best for the last two years. This year, the team has been underachieving and undisciplined; those two things go together and those two things are not positives on the head coach’s report card. I don’t know that anyone could win with Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright at QB and Jim Fassel calling the plays, but at some point you have to wonder why the so-called offensive genius, Brian Billick, can’t find a way to get his team to score more than 20 points at least once a month…

And then we come to Jim Haslett and the Saints. Like the situation in Arizona, Haslett works for an owner whose purse strings are as tight as a size 8 dress would be on Sally Struthers. But I believe his contract is now up and he could be jettisoned – if the owner wanted to take some heat for firing a coach whose team was a vagabond and never really played a home game all year long. I’d have fired Haslett at least two years ago because his teams always underachieve for most of the season and then have one strong run that keeps them near the break-even mark - - which assures that they will not get a really good draft pick that might get them to improve markedly. Haslett has stayed with Aaron Brooks far too long as a QB. Brooks was a wunderkind who took over the team when the starter broke a leg or ankle (Was that Jeff Blake? I’m doing this from memory…) and Brooks used his opportunity to take the Saints to the playoffs and win the first playoff game in franchise history. Since that date, everything for Brooks and the Saints has been downhill; this year looks to be particularly bad absent the Saints running the table in December. Imagine for a moment that Haslett gets fired; who would want to take that job working for that owner in that environment where it is still uncertain when you will play your next home game and where that might be. Jim Haslett is not a good coach at the moment, but he might be exactly what the Saints deserve at the moment.

In terms of not meeting expectations for the year, no one has fallen further short than the Eagles. Maybe Andy Reid is to blame for signing Terrell Owens in the first place and maybe he is to blame for letting Corey Simon and Derrick Burgess leave town for zero compensation. But he is not to blame for Donovan McNabb’s injury or the injury to 60% of the starting offensive line or the fact that Jerome McDougall was shot in the abdomen in the off-season. If Andy Reid is under pressure in Philly, then the job is not doable in this corner of the universe by any mere mortal.

Counting the already realized firing of Steve Mariucci, that makes ten coaching change possibilities in the NFL this year. And I cut Mike Mularkey (Buffalo) a break here because he hasn’t been with the Bills for very long and the Bills are not embarrassingly bad – they’re just merely bad. Who knows? With that level of job openings, maybe this is the year that we see the re-emergence of Richie Kotite or Wayne Fontes or Ray Handley into the NFL coaching ranks. That will happen right after the pigs radio in for landing clearance…

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…