The Sports Curmudgeon®

We have begun a new year. All is new and all is optimistic. At the end of 2003, you probably read a dozen or so of the obligatory columns on New Year’s resolutions that need to be made by teams or players or possibly the ideal Christmas presents that could be delivered to teams or players. How nice. I’m looking at this from the curmudgeonly perspective and see that in this New Year there are a whole lot of things that need to be stopped. Would that we could issue a “cease and desist” order to most of these things. But just to assure that looking at the world through rose colored glasses does not become epidemic in its proportions, let me suggest that we call a halt to all of the following things.

Let’s stop focusing a TV camera on any idiots in the stands at a football game who are holding up any cutouts of the letter “D” and a “picket fence”. It was imaginative two decades ago; now it has gone way beyond trite; it is annoying, stupid, redundant and offensive. Can we make it a felony for any TV producer to put that nonsense on the air? Write your Congressman about this. Surely your Congressman would love an excuse to hold another set of irrelevant hearings…

Let’s stop with the commercials for sportsbooks that use one-trick-pony celebrities whose time has long passed. Michael Buffer should never again be allowed to say, “Let’s get ready to gammmmble.” Andrew Dice Clay’s act was stupid and irrelevant when it was “hot” for about six weeks; now we get to hear him tell us that we need to bet with the book that “keeps the Dice-man rollin’ “. That itself would send me to another sportsbook - - were I in the market to find one.

Let’s stop with the commercials for sports tout services that tell you that Joe Flabeetz has an 82% winning record against the spread over the past 5 years and that he has critical inside information that will let you know for sure what the outcome of tonight’s game is. Look. If Joe Flabeetz actually had that information, the last thing he would do is to tell you or me or anyone else until after he had about $100K down on the game in small amounts at various sportsbooks so that none of his collections would be large enough to trigger a report to the IRS. If he is actually right 82% of the time, he would already be rich and would be so busy doing what he really enjoys doing that he would not have time to answer your calls.

Let’s stop allowing sportscasters to use certain phrases that have become annoying clichés. Among them are “five-tool player” [wrench, hammer, screwdriver, jigsaw and router?], “innings eater” [that sounds vaguely scandalous], “working the phones” [unless it refers to a Verizon technician] and “at the end of the day” [guess what, that makes it night!].

Let’s stop the misuse of English words that writers and announcers use to make themselves sound literate when their misuse only shows that they are ignoramuses. I’ve told you before about the rampant misuse of the word “unique” when it is modified by an adjective or adverb. Something is either unique or it is not; it is never “sort of unique”. I’ve told you about the people who do not know the difference between “imply” and “infer”. It seems as if they still have not learned. But the latest fad is to use the word “decimate” with regard to injuries to a football team. Sounds very erudite but when you know what the word means, it just shows that the speaker/writer has his head up his butt. The word comes from the Latin word “decem” which means “ten” and decimate means to “select by lot and kill every tenth man of”. Forget that football teams suffer injuries and not deaths; the numbers are all wrong. A team that had its starting line-up decimated would have lost 2.2 players to injury. Big deal; just about every team in the NFL loses 2 starters to injury in a season. Decimation is not a synonym for “lots of”.

Let’s put a stop to the enforced silence at golf and tennis matches. Silence is important when someone is doing something very important that simultaneously requires intense concentration and care. Brain surgery is such an activity; we do not want heckling or distractions or “crowd noise” as Dr. Finefingers is probing around a cranial cavity with sharp metal objects; even lobotomies are not to be done with egg beaters. But tennis and golf have no importance in the grand scheme of things. These prima donnas have no more “right” to silence as part of their participation in these games than I do to yell at them to miss the damned putt. And we can start this movement by severely beating up on golf announcers who whisper their commentaries. How polite of them. I think they whisper them mainly to make it difficult for us to hear how inane their exchanges are:

Announcer #1: What do you think he’s going to do with this shot?

Announcer #2: I think he’s going to try to hit the ball into the cup, don’t you?

Memo to Golf Announcers: These guys – and ladies too – are merely trying to hit a ball into a hole in the ground. They are not trying to resolve any of the great problems that confront mankind. It’s a freaking game!!

Let’s put a stop to annoying euphemisms just for the sake of political correctness. Why is it proper to refer to someone as a “person of color” or an “African American” and not so proper to refer to a woman as a “breasted American”? The next thing you know we are going to refer to the serial fathers in the NBA as “people of ardor”. Give me a break!

Let’s put an end to athletes repeatedly coming out of retirement for comebacks. Why did this become something interesting? I guess Sugar Ray Leonard started all of this with his multiple comebacks; he came back more times than sauerkraut.

Let’s put an end to fantasy baseball/football columns on the Internet and in newspapers/magazines. Let’s try to look at this analytically. The entire object of fantasy leagues is to demonstrate the innate superiority of one “owner” over all of the others. It is a vehicle that nominally demonstrates the untapped ability of this frustrated geek to run a sports franchise better than other frustrated geeks in his area. So, please tell me why any of these frustrated geeks need to read the written opinions of some other frustrated geek about what running back is likely to be a good pick-up in the seventh week of the season? The whole point of the fantasy league is to demonstrate that you know more than other people so why do you need advice? Particularly, why do you need advice from some other geek who probably owns teams in some other league? Doesn’t taking his advice acknowledge that you are not the omniscient owner you purport to be? [Do you get the idea that I don’t like to participate in fantasy leagues? Good, then I’ve been clear.]

Let’s put an end to stupid sporting activities that purport to be events. We need no more Slam Dunk Contests, Three Point Shooting Competitions, Home Run Derbies, Pro Bowl Games, Hockey Skills Competitions and any events that have any relation to any sport associated with the word “Extreme”.

Let’s put an end to any more reporting on events that are merely repetitions of reporting on previous events that are the same damned thing. Do you need any more information to know that:

OJ has not yet found the real killers?

Strange things happen at the Neverland Ranch?

Danny Boy Snyder spends lots of money on the wrong players and coaches?

Dennis Rodman would not be an ideal next-door neighbor?

Finally, let’s put an end to movie sequels that drag out a “movie property” to a point where it is ludicrous. How many more Rocky movies do you want to see? Do you care about Rudy – The MBA Years? The sequel – and prequel – fad is already over the top. Here is what I expect to see one of these days:

Star Wars XII: The Reign of Queen Leia and King Chewbacca (PG-13)

Star Wars XI: The Princess and the Wookie (XXX) They don’t call him “Chewy” for nothing…

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…