The Sports Curmudgeon

Since today is Bastille Day, I think it is perfectly appropriate to rant about some people who ought to be put under a jail somewhere. I’m talking about team owners who have gotten to the point that they will sell anything about their franchise to anybody in order to make a buck. Case in point - - the Chicago Bears.

The Bears were not permitted to sell the naming rights to Soldier Field because Soldier Field is a national landmark. I’m more than comfortably confident that getting this stadium on the list as a national landmark took some political shenanigans in the Congress and the Federal bureaucracy, but it happened. So it looked like the poor owners of the Bears were going to be screwed out of dipping their beaks in a standard NFL revenue stream.

But they retaliated by opening up a whole new area of “whoring a franchise”. Now they will be the Chicago Bears presented by Bank One. And let me say for the record that if I owned even one share of Bank One stock, I’d go to the annual shareholders meeting and raise Holy Hell about spending whatever money it took to become the “john” in this relationship. The Bears’ president said that Bank One will be bringing new opportunities and enhanced services” to the Bears’ fans. What kind of nonsense is that? If they have good opportunities and enhanced services, they need to make them available to all their customers and to all their potential customers. Why would they limit them to Bears’ fans? The idea is to attract customers - even if they are Packers’ fans. Talk about corporate ineptitude…

This situation stinks and when the Bears stink this season it will be easy to point out that Right Guard instead of Bank One should have brought the Chicago Bears to you. Oh, and pity the poor right guard for the Bears is they stink and he gets pilloried just because of the position he plays. Too bad…

I hear you. This is a one-time thing and it is just the Bears’ way of getting some money from a naming right that was denied to them because of the landmark status of their home field. Would that it were so; the problem here is a disturbing item I came across in the St. Paul Pioneer-Press. According to that paper, Vikings’ owner, Red McCombs, is intrigued by all of this and wants to pursue the concept of a “presenting sponsor” for the Vikings. If any other team does this, it will start a landslide movement and the NFL will be awash with “teams presented by”. So just in case that happens, here are some tie-ins that may work.

[DISCLAIMER: Remember, I’ve told you all a thousand times that I never had a career in advertising and would have been a miserable failure in that field.]

The Cleveland Browns presented by UPS. What can Brown do for you? Now they can change the question. What can The Browns do for you? If you are a Cleveland fan, you might want a playoff appearance - or at least a winning season from the team. It has been a while since this team has delivered…

Since Ford makes Broncos there is a natural tie-in here. The Denver Broncos presented by Ford. Denver hires OJ Simpson to be a consultant and then he can ride into the stadium in a white Bronco at 15 mph. After two laps of the stadium he can get out of the vehicle and shake hands with Broncos’ legend, John Elway. Elway and Simpson share a bond. OJ took a famous ride in a slow white Bronco; John Elway was a slow white Bronco. Ba Da Bing! Ba Da Boom!!

The Broncos better hop to it and get this deal done because if the Falcons think about it for a minute, they can capture the “retro market” and become the Falcons presented by Ford.

Obviously, the Jets presented by Boeing is a natural connection. Same goes for the Chargers presented by Die Hard batteries. The Giants and Titans can duke it out to see which team will be presented by SlimFast. And the most obvious one of all is the Cincinnati Bengals presented by Hoover Vacuum Cleaners.

But there might be some other – less obvious – sponsorships. If the Eagles were more specific about their name and called themselves the Bald Eagles, it would be easy to imagine the Philadelphia Bald Eagles presented by The Hair Club for Men.

How about the Dallas Cowboys presented by Billy Bob’s Bail Bond Service?

Why not have the World Wildlife Fund present any of the teams that are named after big cats – Panthers, Lions, Jaguars?

Why not have the Pittsburgh Steelers brought to you by some steel company? Oh yeah, there aren’t any steel companies in the US anymore…

The Buffalo Bills brought to you by the New York State Legislature. We pass lots of bills and create bills for future generations to pay because of the provisions in many of the bills we pass. Ergo…

The Oakland Raiders brought to you by Interstate Van Lines.

The Arizona Cardinals presented by Lysol Air Freshener.

The Ravens presented by … uh … nevermore.

But why stop with teams? You can put naming rights of parts of teams too. Jason Sehorn has gone to the Rams with his coverage skills as a DB in serious question. So why not have Jason Sehorn brought to you by Kingsford Charcoal Briquettes – since he gets burned so often?

For the coach who is sure to be fired you can have Joe Flabeetz brought to you by Century 21 Realtors.

Michael Vick would be a natural to be presented by Vicks Vapo-Rub.

Bill Parcells brought to you by Miss Clairol?

Al Davis presented by the American Trial Lawyers Association?

Terrell Owens brought to you by Nathan’s Coney Island Hot Dogs is perfect. All they need to do is figure out he can autograph a hot dog with a Sharpie.

But, no matter how big this idea gets, I can’t see the NFL as a league getting deeply into it. You’ll just never see the Super Bowl presented by Preparation H… Unless the money is right.

But don’t get me wrong, I love sports…